Home!

It feels so good to be home!

J and I headed up to see our families for about 10 (long) days. We know that every time we visit our days are going to be long and jammed packed, though this year wasn't too bad.

First came my baby shower on the 20th. It was a very nice shower, my moms really did a great job- lots of food, non cheesy games, etc. There were over 50 people there including my best friend K who came up from TX, 3 babies, 1 toddler, 1 preschooler and 3 very pregnant ladies all due around the New Year. In fact one of those ladies is now a momma- Her son was born on the 27th, very exciting! Overall the shower was a success, everyone commented on having a great time, everything was lovely, etc. Now, without meaning to sound ungrateful, I did end up returning about $300 worth of gifts... Why? Because only about 1/3 the guests bought gifts off the registry. I know it is not a prereq that people buy off the registry, but come on. This is our first baby, we need a lot of stuff- what we don't need are lots of cutesy outfits that Ally is only going to wear once. Plus, there were some serious themes to our registry: if there was an organic option it was on our registry and no plastic toys. Apparently only a few people picked up on that. I think I was mostly frustrated that I put so much time and research into creating our registry and people just seemed to ignored it... sigh. I know I sound like a snobby, unappreciative wench, but there it is.

The rest of the week was spent seeing friends & family and finishing up a bit of xmas shopping. We do a pretty good job of splitting up the actually holiday among our immediate family. We spent xmas eve with my Dad & Stepmoms' side, xmas morning with J's side, then xmas evening with my Mom & Stepdads' side. Then, around 10:30 xmas night J started puking. First we thought food poising, then we found out the next morning that there was a horrible stomach bug going around. Apparently J's cousins even brought their sick children to the family party!!! Poor thing was up most of the night puking, then spent the next day on the toilet. I felt so bad, since there wasn't much we could do except let it run its course. We've spent every day since hoping that I don't come down with it- guess time will tell!

J spent Sunday and Monday driving home with our animals and a very packed car, I flew back yesterday with 3 very heavy suitcases, but we got everything home~ which is a Christmas miracle unto itself :o)

Hope you and yours had a lovely holiday!!

21 Week Update

How far along? 21w!

Total weight gain? apx 10lbs, not sure haven't weighed myself at home lately

Maternity clothes? Yup, but they're still a bit loose so the Belly Band is still needed to keep my pants from slipping

Stretch marks? Just noticed them on my bo.obs today

Sleep? Same old: not great, but could be worse

Food cravings? None really- though I have been on a bagel binge lately!

Belly button? Still in, but making its way out I think

Gender? A girl!!

Labor signs? None, thankfully!!

Best moment this week? Feeling Baby move around a lot more

What I miss most? Still, a solid night's sleep

What I look forward to? Feeling Baby move around more consistently

Milestones? The big reveal u/s was awesome, though nerve wracking since the tech can't say if anything doesn't look okay, ugh!

20 Week Belly Pic

We're technically at the halfway point today... I can't even imagine how huge I will be by April!

20w pic ~ Deuce decided she wanted in on this one! :)

Drumroll please...

It's a girl!!!!

Alexandria Claire

Dec 8th u/s @ 19w5d (measuring 20w6d!)

OB Check-up

I had my monthly OB check-up today and everything continues to look good. Baby's heartbeat is still around 160bpm, which is neat. The midwife ordered an early gestational diabetes test for next week, blah. Lucky me, I get to down sickly sweet syrup, sit around for an hour and then have my blood drawn- whoohoo! Doesn't that sound awesome?!?

Our anatomy u/s is still on for this coming Tuesday, and we are very excited. According to the Chinese Gender Chart (which is said to be right 90% of the time... hmm) we are going to have a boy, BUT according to the Baby Heart Rate Predictor at a rate of 141bpm or higher we are going to have a girl. Anyone want to make their own prediction???

Annoyed

I received a call today from a receptionist at the Radiology Dept, informing me that they had to reschedule our "big reveal" u/s because the tech was going to be out sick Thursday... Umm, how does someone know they are going to be out sick 3 days in advance??? They better have a doctor's note saying they are contagious and can't go back to work until next week!!! Anyhoo, we now have an appointment for next Tuesday afternoon... let's hope they don't have to reschedule again because I will be one unhappy pregnant lady!!!

Updated Questionnaire

How far along? 18w3d!

Total weight gain? apx 10lbs- some weeks nothing, some I lose, some I gain...

Maternity clothes? most of the time, and I definitely need another pair of mat jeans- my one pair are getting a lot of wear!

Stretch marks? none that I've noticed

Sleep? not great, but could be worse

Food cravings? none really- though I need to eat healthier

Belly button? still in

Gender? hopefully we'll find out Thursday!!!!

Labor signs? none, thank goodness!

Best moment this week? I *think* I've felt Baby move once or twice, but I'm not sure of that's just in my head or not :o)

What I miss most? a solid night's sleep

What I look forward to? finding out if there is a boy or a girl in there!

Milestones? realizing we're almost halfway to term- wow...

Happy Thanksgiving!

18w belly pic!

Let the Belly Pics Begin!

Well, I guess it's time to share the belly pics I've taken so far. I started at 12 weeks, since there really wasn't any difference to be discerned yet. Still not a lot of change, but a bit noticeable. Though, I must admit I never thought the day would come when I'd post pictures of my stomach on the internet :o)

12 weeks

14 weeks

16w3d

16 weeks!

I can't believe how quickly time is flying by! I'm in my 4th month and that seems crazy... I'm "stealing" these update questions from the other pg bloggers out there :o)

How Far Along: 16w1d

Total Weight Gain: apx 8lbs, give or take
Maternity Clothes: most of the time- because they are so much more comfortable!
Stretch Marks: none that are pregnancy related
Sleep: so-so. most nights it takes awhile to fall asleep, then after I do I wake up multiple times
Best Moment This Week: letting the reality sink in that we are actually going to have a baby
Food Cravings: not really
Sex: do dreams count?? (oh, maybe they meant gender, hehe- oops! We should find out in a few weeks!)
Labor Signs: thankfully, no!
Belly Button: no change
What I Miss The Most: sleeping through the night, though I need to get used to that I suppose
What I Look Forward To The Most: hopefully feeling Baby move around soon!
Milestones: getting to hear Baby's heartbeat through the doppler at my last appt!

Happy Halloween!

Our pumpkin family

In front we have 4 tiny pumpkins for our 2 birds & 2 cats

Then there's me, baby and J :o)

Hello 2nd Trimester!

Holy moly- time flies! I can hardly believe that I am 13w3days pg. It still feels very surreal. I'm feeling good most of the time, can go a lot longer without snacking, so I don't have to eat every hour just to feel semi-normal. Whoo-hoo! The stuffy nose has begun, and there are still a few trips to the loo daily, but I can deal. I'm totally not complaining! I'm not really showing, mostly because I was already overweight to start with, but my lower abdomen feels tighter (for lack of a better term) and it's getting hard to "suck it in." And, there are days I definitely need the bellyband or maternity pants- which I recently bought on awesome sale at Kohls!

Overall, life's pretty quiet. I need to get into a routine since I'm starting to feel like a major mooching SAHW! My sleeping pattern is all messed-up and I sleep-in way too late, and am not getting much done most days. I'm totally lazy! I am however starting to feel the nesting need kick in. Probably because I've started our registry- my shower is going to be in Dec since I don't want to travel again after the holidays. Registering is stressful! Though, I did call on my mommy friends to get their advice on what is truly necessary and what to skip and that was helpful. I'm taking any real-life advice I can get!

E's Monkey has arrived!

E had her baby girl about a week ago! Introducing Baby Rose, aka Monkey :o)

Isn't she adorable!?!

BellaBand

The time has come- I have broken out the bellaband! The other night there was just no way my jeans were going to fit comfortably. So at 11w2d I wore my beband for the first time. I'm surprised I held out this long- I really thought I'd need it sooner considering I'm eating so frequently to keep the m/s at bay! Whoohoo for the bellaband!

Baby Looking Great!

I had my OB exam today @ 11w1d. The office called me two days ago to reschedule my appt since the mid-wife wouldn't be in for some reason and instead of waiting till next week they got me another appt with a doc. Okay, no big deal. I was kind of looking forward to meeting the mid-wife, but we still have lots of time and appts to get to know each other.

So, I get up at 7am (ugh that was early, I'm spoiled in my new role as housewife) and we leave at 8:30 to get there at 9:30. Even though my appt is at 10, they were adamant about being a 1/2 hour early. I check-in right on time at 9:25 and have a seat with J. Time goes by and I start to realize that women checking-in after me are being called back. Since I used to work in a very busy clinic I rationalized that these other women must be seeing different docs, have emergencies, etc. Well, by 10:12 after four women have come and gone before me, I'm thinking something's not right, so I kindly ask the receptionist about it. She looks at the clock, says they're a little behind. I don't believe her. By 10:38 a total of eight women have come and gone before me and my hormones start taking over. I'm so frustrated that I'm nearly in tears (lovely not being able to control your own emotions!). Then I notice her talking to a nurse, then looking at me. Then the nurse looks at me and walks down the hall. She quickly comes back and calls my name. Turns out the receptionist put my file in the wrong place!

The nice nurse who I saw at my last appt takes me back, preps me and apologizes about the mix-up. Fine, it happens... Moving on, it turns out that I won't be seeing a female doc, I'll be seeing a male doc. Umm, not comfortable with that change! I haven't had a male doc give me a full exam since I was 12 and stopped seeing my pediatrician- because he was male! The doc seems nice enough, and I'm so nervous about getting to the u/s that I just say "okay" and get on with it. In the end, no big deal, but if one more thing were to change I would have had a hormonal meltdown!

Then comes the u/s. The nurse gets J and he joins us. It takes the doc a bit to find Baby (in which time both J and I had mini heart attacks), then finally I start to make out a little figure moving around. Of course the u/s probe is crap and there is a big "cloud" over the image, but we see Baby a bit and get to hear the heartbeat again. I think that is when I finally exhaled! The pic we got is not so good, but we've been spoiled by the awesome shots from the 1st u/s :o)

Here's Baby at 11w1d!

When I got home I decided that it was time to tell the world the good news, so I posted it on Fbook. Funny, now I'm the one posting "baby" pics for all to see... how strange...

Moving On

So, I'm over my little hissy-fit. Whatever happens with the families, it will be fine. It's all about mindset, right?

Moving on- I am extremely nervous about my appointment on Friday. I keep having these horrible thoughts that everything is going to end badly. I have this sense of impending doom. I know it's totally irrational though I can't really help my crazy thoughts, so I do my best to push them out of my mind by distracting myself. One of my favorite pastimes lately is perusing baby sites. Some favorites are babyearth.com and buybuybaby.com, which is where SIL, S, is registered. I bought her gifts today so that's one thing checked off my To Do list (this list gets exponentially longer everyday, how does that happen??). Then I went searching for eco-friendly gift wrap and came across this site: nashvillewraps.com, which is awesome! Apparently I'll be buying in bulk but that's okay since I'll feel so much better about wrapping gifts!

Aside from my crazy thoughts, this pregnancy is going pretty well overall I think. I'm feeling crappy again. The sick feeling went away for about a week, but has come back around. I hear this is normal- for symptoms to come and go. I feel like I should probably eat or I'm hungry, but nothing sounds remotely appealing, or if it does and I eat it, it doesn't taste like I thought it would and I still feel sick. Ugh. Still getting up a bit at night to pee and still have a mild cramp here and there. I don't mind any of these, they actually put my mind at ease a little. Especially the cramping since it's different than the round ligament pain, I figure baby must still be growing if my ute is. I hope so...

Completely Unrelated

On a non-baby note, I am in need of a vent!

So, J and I have always passed on going home for Thanksgiving since we go up nearly a month later in Dec. This doesn't bother us, we don't mind since we usually have friends we celebrate with. Well, this year we invited my mom and stepdad because my brother and his pregnant wife flipped holidays since S is due 2 weeks after the New Year, and they didn't think it would be smart to go out-of-town. Makes sense to me, and so I told my mom and stepdad they should come here instead of being alone (they have extended family, but no one immediate near by). So, my mom bought their tickets. Then J decided that it wouldn't be fair to invite only one set of parents and not the others- yes, that is plural since we have my dad & stepmom plus his parents. I disagreed, since everyone else had close family they could be with. J won, and I really didn't think that they'd all come down. Well, guess what? It looks like all SIX parents are coming. I am not happy. Technically we have a place for everyone to sleep, but it will be very cramped- not to mention annoying as f**k. If it were only for 3 days, okay whatever, but since the airport is 1.5 hours away J's parents want to coordinate with my mom, which means they'd be here 6 days!!! I might end up killing someone. I really wish we could just tell the other parents, that it was a fake invite- we really didn't expect them to come, but of course we can't. I tried to express to J's stepdad that Wed-Sat would be best since my mom was really planning on some alone time with me/us. I don't know if it worked. Now, I love my parents and I like J's, but I can only handle so much at one time. I can see getting so annoyed/frustrated/claustrophobic that I explode. Truly, this is a possibility. Plus, my mom and stepdad didn't sign-up for this, and are now contemplating not coming, which I totally understand, but feel terrible about since this whole thing started so they wouldn't spend the holiday alone.

I realize we (actually J) got ourselves into this and we need to deal, I just hope that I will remember this 30 years from now when our children invite us for a holiday!

More Nervous Now

Seeing a real, live, moving, heart beating being on that u/s screen has made me even more nervous than before the u/s! In some ways I was expecting bad news at the u/s- I was more prepared to not see anything than to see a baby. Now the realization that something wonderful could truly be lost takes my breath away.

We also told our families about Baby. The timing just worked out. We headed up to see our families last week, and we took both sides all out to dinner where we gave each set of grandparents a framed pic of the u/s. We didn't tell them what it was, we just had them unwrap the frames. My stepmom, N, was the first to scream (I knew she would be!) then there was more screaming and crying. At that moment, my heart seemed to grow cold and I've begun shielding myself, readying for something tragic to happen. I didn't want to talk about Baby or baby stuff the rest of the time. It sounds silly, like I'm waiting for the bottom to fall out, but it's true. I think my anxiety stems from what happened last year, since it was after we told everyone that we found out there was no baby

I am still trying to focus on the positive. I read somewhere that 95% of pregnancies that had a viable u/s after 8w went to full-term. 95% is a great number, but it is hard to push that 5% out of my mind sometimes. If you think of all the babies born in a year, then 5% is still a lot of pregnancies that don't make it to full-term... I know, I know, I should stop worrying. I'm trying, but it's hard sometimes. Thankfully, I have my OB exam next Friday (I'll be 11w1d then) and the midwife should do another u/s, which will *hopefully* put my mind at ease a bit...

Hi Baby!

u/s Sept 21st - Baby 8w4d!

Yahoo for Internet Access!

J and I have made it back to the East Coast! It was a long week on the road, and arriving to a dirty house was no fun, but we made it in one piece. Our house is still empty since our stuff won't arrive until Sunday/Monday. Luckily, we've been hanging in Atlanta to attend the Mets vs. Braves series (J is a huge Mets fan, so he's not such a happy camper right now!) and that means hotel internet access- yahoo!

I am 8 weeks pregnant today! How odd to say that. I still don't totally believe it. I was able to beg my new OB clinic in GA to order an u/s for this coming Monday. Here's hoping that everything looks good, that there is a real, live baby growing inside of me. How strange that will be to see. I am pretty optimistic about the u/s, expect I have a feeling I will completely freak-out beforehand. I have still been feeling crampy every now and then, and I am telling myself not to think bad thoughts since I know that is normal, but I still have a fear of seeing bright red blood when I use the loo. I'm thinking that growing uterus means growing baby. So far, that's working... I just hope I'm right. I also started to feel sick at 6w3d-- I mean I felt like crap for about 2 days and finally broke-down and told my BFFs so I could get some advice. K told me to eat every few hours, even if I didn't feel hungry and that as helped a lot, so thankfully I feel much better! Oh, and I got up FIVE times the other night to pee, crazy.

We get internet hooked-up soon, so if all goes well at the u/s on Monday maybe I'll have a pic to post soon!

6 weeks

I am 6 weeks today! So far, so good. I'm still not really having many symptoms. My boobs get sore, I cramp every now & again, my heartburn is acting up, and I'm pretty tired. That's about it. I know it is early, and more symptoms are probably on the way. I'm really trying to stay positive about this pregnancy. I want to think ahead and make plans, I want to tell people, but at the same time I'm still nervous that things will go terribly wrong. I'm very anxious to have an early u/s done. Thankfully, our impending cross-country move is keeping my brain pretty occupied- though, I'm hoping to make an ob/gyn appointment as soon as we arrive in GA!

Back Home

It so good to be home!

J and I traveled to the Baltimore/Annapolis area for a wedding this past weekend. It was great, but very exhausting. Taking out travel-time, we spent only 40 hours there! In that time we: went to Chilis for lunch, shopping for a belt & DHA supplements, took the scenic byway to the wedding, attended the wedding, met bride, groom & others for brunch the next morning, visited the Baltimore Aquarium, toured some old ships, and finally met-up with some friends before heading to the airport. It was crazy, but fun!

Now we have the next week to mentally and physically prepare for our move cross-country. Movers take over our house the 8th & 9th, and if we haven't separated out what we want to take with us, then it will be packed up and we won't see it again for a few weeks. Very stressful making sure we have everything we want/need for 2+ weeks.

On the pregnancy front, it still doesn't feel real. I'm so excited when my breasts are sore (which only happens every so often), because at least I'm feeling something. Other than that- nada. I guess I should be thankful, but it just makes me wonder if everything is going okay. I know every one experiences different symptoms, but I can't help but be a little worried. I'm sure everything is fine, I just wish I had some proof that it was ;o)

On a Side Note

I mentioned in July that a masseuse found a lump on my back that she thought I should get checked out. I fully admit to procrastinating about getting it looked at, but I finally did yesterday.

The verdict? A non-capsulated lipoma (fatty tumor). The doc is not worried at all. *Big sigh of relief* Though, he said to have J check it every so often to see if it changes. He also said that it might change size during the pregnancy because of all the hormones. I'm just glad he's not concerned, but the hypochondriac in me left the office thinking: "Maybe he didn't check the right lump..."

2nd Beta...

749!

I was hoping for something around 300! I know it really shouldn't matter (especially since last year my levels reached 38,000 even with no baby) but that number is music to my ears.

It still feels completely impossible that I am pregnant, even though I have the betas and manyHPTs as proof. We are excited, if not a little jaded. I knew that the second time around would not be as carefree as the first, though I am surprised at how optimistic I feel- most of the time. I still have the nagging realities hanging over my head and those are hard to shake sometimes, but I'm doing my best. In a strange twist, I don't feel the same pressure to be perfect this pregnancy. I guess because I know that there was absolutely nothing I could have done differently last time. It is completely out of my control (maybe besides, you know, drinking heavily and doing drugs). I've eaten blue cheese, drank caffeinated coke. I know- I'm a rebel! But last time I was ultra careful and aware of every little thing I ate, drank or did. It's sort of liberating to just take things one day at a time. I'm aware of what could go wrong, but I'm trying to focus on everything that could go right.

Just for fun I took the fancy-shmancy digital HPT too :o)

Shock, Awe and Nerves

To say we are shocked is a huge understatement!!! I only tested to stop my crazy imagination from making up PG symptoms. I was having to pee more than the 20 week preggo M who was staying with us, and I kept laughing at myself since there was *no way* I was PG. Then I abruptly started crying over this little thing, and I kept thinking "I'm not really that upset, why am I crying?" but figured it was PMS. Guess not!

J got home Aug 1st, and of course we spent his first few days home making up for being apart the past 7 months :o) I wasn't even using my CBEFM to track my O this cycle. I figured it wouldn't be much fun to put us on a FWP schedule right when the poor guy gets home! Then on Aug 6, CD15, I had O pangs. CDfreaking15!!!! I have not O'd that early in the 2+ years I've been off BCP. CD15 is one full week before I normally O. Crazy.

Here's how it breaks down in my mind:

• Apparently, BDing every day worked better than an every-other-day schedule. Hmm...
• It was my left ovary's "turn" (plus I only had mild O pangs, not my usual painful right side pangs) and that's the side open for business.
• CD15 means fresh egg and lining compared to my usual old, crusty CD22+ egg and lining.
• We weren't thinking about getting PG at all, just making up for lost time.
• UPDATED THOUGHTS- maybe the Clomid from last cycle had an impact on how early I ovulated this cycle? Maybe the HSG in Jun helped clear the way a bit?

I'm still in a constant state of shock. I want to be excited, but I am also very nervous. I keep expecting AF to start every time I go to the bathroom. My beta drawn yesterday at 3w6d was 65. Which I think is a pretty respectable number considering how early it is, but the nurse wants another drawn on Monday, which is fine with me! I am keeping my fingers crossed for a number over 260 by then. Please, please, please let everything be alright this time around...

So...

I've been a bad blogger. My deepest apologies to the 3 people who read this blog :o)

So, things have been a bit busy. J came home and it took us a good week to get reacquainted and back in tune. Had lots of "us" time. It was great. Then J sprung on me that he invited his cousin and wife, J&M, out to stay with us! Fine, whatever. This is J's favorite cousin and they hadn't seen each other in almost 2 years. Oh, and M is 20 weeks *oops* pregnant... very happy for them-it was just that at this point last year I was physically miscarrying. Not really psyched to be around a pregnant lady 24/7. Nevertheless, it was a great time. We took them to experience the sites and sounds of the surrounding area, and the 5 days flew by. 

I had been feeling pretty low. Both my cousins had their babies last week (one day apart!), my SIL has been posting lots of belly pics, then hosting a pregnant lady. I was this close to writing a "poor, pitiful me" entry yesterday. I'm glad I didn't, because: 

13dpo

I'M PREGNANT!!!

On Hold

Life is on hold a bit these days. I've spent the last week waiting for word on when J is suppose to get back to the states, then was surprised to have him call me yesterday from TN! J should be home in a day or two...YAHOO!!! 

Once he does get home, our move is going to come on fast and furious, so I might be MIA for a bit. Plus J's been gone for 7 months, and I'm expecting we'll lock ourselves in the bedroom!

PS: A major heat wave has settled over the Pac NW and it is HOT: My car read 106º today, and a/c is not standard out here- I had to go to a movie last night just to cool down!

As predicted:

AF arrived today. Lovely cramps too. Wow, I am one lucky girl!

13dpIUI

Got a BFN this morning. Not surprised, but still disappointed. I expect AF today or tomorrow. 

One year ago today is also the day we found out there was no Baby P. Today was the day my heart broke, and it hasn't been whole since. 

I actually waited to test till today thinking maybe my luck would have changed and that I could have a happy memory on this day instead. I really wanted to see a BFP this morning. I stood there willing it to appear, but it didn't and today is still a sad day...

10dpIUI

Just sitting here, twiddling my thumbs...

Thankfully, my trip to CA did make the past week fly by, though now I am back to the waiting game. I don't have much faith that this IUI worked, but it is hard to not think about the slight possibility it did. I bought a box of 2 HPT tests, but I am waiting until the 22nd to POAS. I *think* I can wait till then because day after day of seeing a BFN is depressing. 

Other than the 2ww life is pretty boring. J should be getting home soon, so I have a lot of cleaning and organizing to do before he brings home his boxes and duffle bags full of dirty, dusty stuff for which we'll have to clean and find a place for (fun times!). I am so ready for him to be home!!!

4dpIUI

Trigger is out, which is good to know, and I shouldn't even go near another HPT until Jul 23rd. We'll see if I can make it, I probably won't! I'm in the lovely 2ww, and time is going by very slooooowly. 

Luckily, I'm visiting friends in CA starting tomorrow through Friday, which should make the time fly by. The friends I'm visiting are part of the "we all got PG the same week" group from last year, so their little guy is the same age Baby P would be, and I think I'm going to be okay with that. I spent last Friday at the zoo with my PG friend E, our former co-worker, T and T's 1 year-old twin boys. They are adorable! I got to sit in the backseat with them and they just melted my heart. I was also holding one of them the majority of the day, even baby L who is finicky with strangers took to me quickly. I was called "The Baby Whisperer" more than once, which was kind of bittersweet. Both of my friends know about the m/c and E knows what we've been dealing with since. I think she took pity on me and let me hog the boys. I couldn't help myself, they're just so darn cute!!!

As for the lump on my back, I've decided to wait until after the 2ww incase the IUI's 5% chance of working actually, well worked. I'm not going to worry until I get it looked at and a doc tells me it's something to worry about. Plus, I'd rather wait till J gets home Aug 1 incase it is serious. I don't want to go through any testing, etc alone- I've done enough alone this year.

Something Else to Worry About

The IUI itself went really well. I was actually feeling much more optomitstic on my way to the clinic. I'd been feeling O pangs earlier in the morning, so it seemed like the timing would work out. I reminded myself that when I did get PG last year I O'd on my right (I can get really strong mittelschmerz, in fact I was awoken out of a deep sleep that morning last year). Also, this is the first cycle after the HSG, maybe that helped clear the way a little, who knows! Unfortunately, out of the 85 million sperm that survived the thaw, only 3 million made it through inspection and wash. Could have been worse, could have had nothing after the thaw. How's that for positive? 

Afterwards, I came home, laid down for good measure then headed to my massage appointment. I scheduled this massage because the other day my back started bothering me when I raised my arm. I got to my appointment, started the massage, found out a rib might be popped out of place, and a few minutes later I get asked:

"What's this lump by your spine?" 

My heart stopped. "It's not a knot?"

"Uhhhh, no. Did you know it was here?

"Umm, no."

"Well... it's probably nothing, a fatty tumor maybe. Though, I'd have your doctor check it."

"Umm, okay."

In an instant my sunny outlook has been replaced by spinal cancer and chemo. I am a hypochondriac- you say lump, I think cancer. So, now I get to wait for my docs office to call back to have this lovely lump looked at. Like I needed something else to worry about...

Not Surprised

Only one dominate follicle... and it is in my right ovary... the blocked side. 

I am so frustrated, but not surprised because this is just the sort of thing my body would do: Oh, feeling optimistic are we? Well, I can fix that *Zap* 

The follicle is a great size @ 22.5mm and my lining looks really good with a triple stripe. None of this makes me feel better. Dr. C said to go ahead with the IUI since it is not impossible that I get pregnant (though not probable), and since we're moving in Sept we might as well use the frozen sperm- why the hell not. I got a shot of Ovidrel today and the IUI will be Thursday. On the very off chance I do get pregnant, knowing my luck it would be ectopic and not only would I lose another baby, but probably a tube as well. I am so pissed at my body right now. I realize other people have had/are dealing with much bigger roadblocks, but I can't help feeling so mad I could scream about this. 

On a different, brighter note, we found out today that close family friends, D & M,  are expecting their first baby around Christmas. I am very happy for them, but I'm also... you know. 

So, it's time for an updated "Pregnant Friend Count"

1. Work friend A due with baby #2: Jul 3rd ... any day now!
2. Cousin J due with baby #2: Aug 5th
3. Cousin K due with baby #1: Aug 21st
4. Close work friend E due with baby #1: Sep 15th
5. Sister-in-law L due with baby #2: Sep 21st
6. Family friend D due with baby #1: Dec 25th
7. Sister-in-law S due with baby #1: Jan 17th

1st Follie Scan - CD12

I had my u/s yesterday to check-out follicle number & size. Nothing too exciting. There are only 2 follicles both measuring 10mm. One on the left and one on the right. I didn't catch what my lining was- I heard a "7" mumbled, but I can't be sure. So, I'm going back Tuesday for another check. Hopefully another one will pop up on the left so that there might actually be chance with this IUI. Hmmph, more waiting.

Anyhoo, Happy 4th of July!

Was it All a Dream?

Was I really pregnant? Did that really happen?

That's how I feel a lot of the time, especially this past week. It seems impossible there was ever a time in my life when I was blissfully pregnant. It seems like another life, a parallel universe. It's funny how something that only lasted 4 weeks (from BFP to 1st u/s) has had such a huge impact on me. My wants in life are completely different, my view on life is even different. It was a happy that has no comparison, and now all I can do is hope I feel that happy again someday soon. 

Lazy

That's me! I call this my "End of School Week of Laziness!" I never feel like doing much the week after school lets out, and the added layer of melancholy doesn't help. My house desperately needs to be cleaned. There are things I need to craigs.list or donate. I have made it to the Y to workout this week though, which is huge for me! 

Luckily, I haven't had any s/e of the Clomid yet (don't want to jinx myself), but I hear that is normal when only taking 50mg. Hopefully, that is all I'll need. I am trying to be hopeful and positive that something good will come of this cycle. Though, at the same time I don't want to set myself up for disappointment- it hurts too much when things don't work out. Please let this work!

A Year Ago Today

We got our BFP. I was so excited, nervous and happy.

Today, I'm sad. 

Here We Go!

I was suppose to be out-of-town this week, but life events (cat has an eye infection) have kept me home, which worked out to be a good thing- CD 1 was Sunday. I left a message with Dr. C's people, and they called me yesterday. I had to go get a PG test done (such a waste, but I get it) and pick up my Clomid. I start 50mg of Clomid tonight and take it through Saturday, so CD 3-7. Eeeek! I'm nervous about the side effects, but excited to be getting things started. I'll have a follicle check Jul 2nd, and we'll go from there. I'm really hoping things go well!

Incomplete

I finally have a name for how I feel.

 

I was teaching a Babysitters Training class this afternoon and I realized today that I don't feel complete. It wasn't during the diapering practice or the cradle hold demo, it was while we were watching a video segment called "Hazard Hunt." During the segment the camera pans over this insanely messy house and the kids point out all the dangers. You know what I saw? A life full of laughter, family dinners, boo-boos that need a kiss and story time. And this feeling washed over me. 

I don't feel empty, like how I did after the m/c, but I'm not content either. A little of this may be from J being away, but even when he's home I don't feel quite right. I knew I would never be the same after the m/c and that is true, but this is different. There is this void... just waiting to be filled.

Title? I got nothing

So, I can't think of a title for this post. Everything I came up with didn't make sense. Maybe something will come to me. Probably not since my brain is fried. End of school year activities, grading and packing are taking their toll. 

My thoughts are pretty random lately. I can't believe how quickly the school year went, or this past year in general! I'm going to miss my students. I've had a fantastic group of 7th graders this year. They're going to be awesome 8th graders, and I'm bummed I won't be back. I also work with really great people. At the same time, this is also a good way to end my time there. Plus, I'm a little glad to not be working next year. I'm burnt out. There are real reasons why a large portion of teachers quit the profession within 5 years. This was my 4th. I love the kids, but I'm drained. Though, I always feel this way in June and by August I'm jonesing to get back into the classroom. I can't picture myself doing anything else.

Plus, there is the approaching 1 year mark. 1 year ago, I was pregnant. I didn't yet know it. The HPT I took June 19th was negative (too early), but 6 days later there it was- our BFP. How different I thought this year was going to be... Even after the m/c, I thought we'd be PG by now, but that was before we knew J was being deployed and his cruddy SA results. Then, finding out we're working with only one open tube. Even though Dr. C is taking it in stride for now, I'm still not over my concerns. 

Then there's the IUI. I'm not sure how this works, and I have a bunch of questions. I'm suppose to call CD1, but I might be out of town, so does that cancel things? Will I be taking Clomid? If so, how much and when do I start? Do I have to call the outside clinic? I've never been seen there, but J has- do they need to know this might be happening, or does Dr. C's office do that? What other things do I need to know or ask about? I'm sure these questions will all be resolved, so I'm just trying to be a non-freak about the whole thing. My random, conflicting feelings don't help matters. I vacillate between negativity that it won't work to optimistic hope to apathy. 

My brain is a such lovely place to be right now! Sometimes, I really wish there was an off switch.

Follow-up Appointment

Dr. C is an interesting fellow. I had my follow-up appt with him yesterday, and I was convinced he'd want to do a Lap and "fix" my blocked tube. Well, apparently not. Dr. C is in fact "not concerned one bit" about the right tube. I learned that some dye did flow into the tube. I guess the Radiologist must have seen that when he magnified the images, since he told me he couldn't see anything on the day of the HSG. Anyhoo, Dr. C is not concerned about it... ooookay. I asked him if he was sure in about 50 different ways, he always had the same answer: "you have free flow through one tube, that's all you need. Eventually you might need more intervention, but for now everything looks good." Again I say, ooookay... I'm shocked, but I guess I need someone to pull in the reigns. 

And he constantly repeated the need for J to be checked before moving on. Yes, J's first SA was not so good, but the subsequent SAs from the vials he froze at the outside clinic came back pretty decent. I forgot to bring those reports though and it took some convincing to get Dr. C to believe that I actually know how to read a medical report. In the end, Dr. C agreed to try an IUI this next cycle. At the time I felt like I was being pushy, but looking back I was really being assertive. J doesn't get home until the beginning of Aug, we're moving a few weeks later. Once we move we are SOL since the next closest military IF clinic will be 8 hours away (which Dr. C apparently thinks is a nice little Sunday drive since he kept saying we could drive two states over every cycle!). Plus, I can't just sit around for the next two months and do nothing. I think I'd go out of my mind! Yes, I'm antsy- impatient even, but I don't care. If Dr. C really thinks J is the big issue, wouldn't IUI be the first intervention anyhow? Why on Earth should we sit around doing nothing when this is what's coming down the pipe anyway? 

I don't mean to give the impression that Dr. C doesn't know his stuff, I just think our personalities don't quite mesh. Which, won't matter as long as we can communicate effectively, and if I need to be more assertive to be heard, then so be it!  

Pity Party, Table for 1

Yup, I said it. I am totally pitiful these days. I am having trouble seeing anything good coming my way. Life could be worse, true. Life could be better, also true. 

I found out J will be gone another month, which gets him home around Aug 1. I didn't realize how badly I was missing him until I heard he'd be gone even longer. I'm sick of trying to make plans just to have them change in an instant, sick of coming home to an empty house (though thank goodness for our cats), sick of sleeping alone, and most of all: sick of being alone. 

I'm pissed too. Pissed that we are struggling to create a family when my selfish-as-hell SIL and psycho brother get to send out pics from their perfect 8w u/s. The couple that not too long ago self-proclaimed that they weren't going to have kids! (Which, honestly, the family was totally all for, no one really wants these two procreating). I know that "not-so-good" people get pregnant all the time, while "good" people can struggle for years. It's not fair, and I can scream that until I am blue in the face, but it won't matter because I know life doesn't work that way. There is no rhyme or reason. I am being nice though. In fact, I even sent them a "congrats you're having a baby" card and given our history that really earns me a metal. 

And I'm nervous. Nervous about what Dr. C will advise, nervous that I'll have to have a surgery to clear my blocked tube, nervous that it won't work, nervous it could make things worse, nervous that means IVF, and nervous that even after all of that we could still be childless. I know there are other avenues, and we will go those routes if need be, but I've always wanted to carry my baby to term. I want our children to share our genes, and be able to say that they have both Native American and Pilgrim blood. Am I totally getting ahead of myself? Of course, that is what I do people! I'm trying to dial it back, but as the anniversary of our BFP looms closer, the more desperate I feel. 

You may now commence with calling me crazy :)

Thanks for the Reminder Lady!

That's what I wanted to keep screaming at the dental hygienist who cleaned my teeth today.

[Okay, before I go on my emotional rant I just want to say that this women is totally oblivious to what is happening in my life, could in no way know that her comments stung and was generally just a very talkative, but nice lady.]

So, I sit in the dental chair and a hygienist I have never seen before introduces herself, makes a comment about my teeth looking great, but asked if I was still considering braces (FYI: I've already had braces, but I am the poster child on why it is imperative to wear your retainers!!!!):

Me: "Yea, I'm going to look into it when we get to GA"

Her: "Oh great! Do you have kids?" {sting}

Me: "No, not yet" {sting} (thinking: I hate this question, it is so difficult for anyone who has m/c to answer!) 

Her: "Oh great! {sting} Get the braces now while you still can! Once you have kids {sting} life isn't the same! All your money will go towards your kids {sting}, so you should do it now!"

Me: "Mm, hmm" 

Her: "So, you're gonna take your records with you?"

Me: "Yup"

Her: "You're not going to lose them in the move?"

Me: "No, I'm pretty organized."

Her: "Oh, remember that someday when you have kids! {sting} You'll laugh at how organized you used to be, 'cause once you have kids {sting} everything is chaos!"

There were a couple more thrown in there, but I sort of tuned her out. I wanted to scream: "I'm suppose to have a baby! I'm suppose to be sleep deprived and spit up on! I'd give anything to have a chaotic, disorganized life, and the money that could go towards braces is being saved because my DH and I might have to spend a small fortune on trying to create the child that was taken from us! Now shut-up!"

Okay, emotional rant over.

Processing

I guess that's what I'm doing. I keep thinking up all these scenarios for what might be next or why my tube is blocked. I have a feeling that Dr. C, the RE, will want to do a Lap and say he won't know what the problem is until he "gets in there." I know that no one *likes* surgery, but I'm really not wanting a Lap. Mostly because of timing. I'm not sure Dr. C could get me in before we have to move, and I don't know enough about the med fac at the new post to feel good about having it done there. I am totally getting ahead of myself, and I'm trying to keep from over analyzing it until after my Jun 10 appt. But, I'm a planner. I really like having a plan, and it is hard to stop my overactive brain. I'm also processing the fact that we're not just dealing with MFI. This all might be much tougher than I originally thought. J and I might have to do more than we ever imagined in order to create a family.

I'm also beginning to think it's amazing we ever even got pregnant! Let's see: 1) there is the fact that we only BDed once before I O'd, five days before O... 2) my egg was >20 days old... 3) my right tube is blocked... and 4) J's shoddy numbers. Granted no actual baby developed, but wow! 

Though, maybe it was all of those factors that lead to no baby... almost a year ago. Sometimes I wish I didn't remember dates so well, because I remember we BDed on Thur 6/5, I O'd Tue 6/10, and got our BFP Wed 6/25. Dates ingrained into my brain forever probably, and it has been hard these past few days. I'm randomly crying again, which I thought I was past. Guess not. Though, I think once I pass 6/25 it will let up again. It's hard, and I just have to accept that I still miss the idea of Baby P everyday. I still think about Baby P. Everyday.

HSG = Right tube blocked

Awesome.

It is not the end of the world, but I don't know what happens now. I have my follow-up appt June 10th, and I'm really curious about what the RE will advise. The one thing I do know? I am always trusting my intuition. Everyone says "it will happen," "you're young, you won't have any trouble," etc, but I have had this nagging feeling since I was teenager that it would not be easy. I wish I could explain why, I also wish I was wrong.

I think I'm going to be sick

My brother just called. My sister-in-law, S, is 7 weeks pregnant. You've got to be f*<#ing kidding me. 

Maybe someday I'll have the energy to explain why this is nauseating on a whole different level compared to any other PG announcement, but at the moment I can't see straight...

Still Sucks...

So I thought having 3 close friends all with EDDs within a week of mine (yes, we all got PG within the same week, now you see where my pessimism comes from) sucked. Then they all gave birth on March 4th, which was kind of neat. I was moving on, moving through it, healing as it were. 

What I didn't anticipate? The weekly Fbook updates.

I am genuinely happy for my friends, and am truly thankful their babies are all well and thriving. It just sucks, to be reminded. Still. Of what would have been. I am a complete whiner, I know. I need to get over it, I know. For the most part, I am. Though, I could really do without the constant reminders of what we don't have, but want more than anything else in the whole world.

Another Girl!

My pregnant friend count is shrinking! 

"Work friend T #1" had a daughter on May 20th at 9:16am. She weighed in at 9lbs 4oz and was 211/2" long!

The updated "Pregnant Friend" count:

1. Work friend A due with baby #2: Jun 30th
2. Cousin J due with baby #2: Aug 5th
3. Cousin K due with baby #1: Aug 21st
4. Close work friend E due with baby #1: Sep 15th
5. Sister-in-law L due with baby #2: Sep 26th

Quite a difference from a few months ago! There have been no recent PG announcements, which (selfishly) is good for my heart... it had been a rough couple of months there...

HSG here I come!

Per the RE's (Dr. C) instructions I called to make my HSG appointment today (CD 1). I was really hoping to get one next week and extend my long weekend, but alas the first available appointment was Jun 2nd. I also made my follow-up results appointment for Jun 10th. Glad that is all set up!

Alright, Tuesday Jun 2nd at 1pm I get to have contrast dye flushed through my lady parts. Fun! 

I know this is a requirement, and will probably yield some helpful information, but I'm also nervous. My SIL, K, just had one done, and they found a "tiny growth" that now needs attention. I am a total ostrich in the sand kind of gal. I'd really rather be blissfully unaware and not know anything is wrong with me. I know that could be completely detrimental to my health, and I need to get past it. I'm trying :)

**** Update 6/5: Everything with my SIL, K, looks good. She had a saline sonohysterogram (SSH- that's a new one to me) today and the doc didn't find anything of concern. Thank goodness! ****

Okay.

I can't believe how quickly this last year has gone by. Parts of it definitely felt slow... agonizingly slow, but it is almost 11 months since my BFP, and in some ways that feels impossible. How did that happen? And why do I feel like I haven't moved at all in that year? 

I do think that I have moved on from the m/c. I have moved on from the idea that I will have baby this year. I'm even beginning to wrap my head around the idea that I might not have a baby by the end of next year. Though I really hope that is not the case! 

Even with all of this "growth" I sometimes feel like I'm in a time warp- I can instantly take myself back to 6am June 25, 2008 and see that very faint plus sign. I can instantly take myself back to that horrid first u/s July 22nd. In those instances, it feels like time has stood still. Then I step away, and I'm like "why can't I just forget about it?" Almost a year I yell to myself, but sometimes it feels like yesterday...

An Outline

I've had all these thoughts floating through my head for the last few weeks, but they are so random I'm unsure about what to say. Sometimes what I'm feeling and thinking is so contradictory that even I'm confused! I can't guarantee that any of this will make sense, but I'm going with an outline just to get it out there:

• I'm feeling a little cheated. I am actually not referring to the m/c, at least not directly, but of my "innocence" as it were. I am hopeful that one day in the not too distant future I will get pregnant again, but when I do I will be fraught with nervousness. When I see those two lines, I'll never be blissfully happy and unaware of life's nasty side. It will be a constant struggle to not lose my mind with worry until I bring a healthy baby home (and I'll probably keep worry for another 70 years or so after that) and that makes me sad.

• My heart will never be the same after losing a baby that never was. It just won't. I lost a baby, that is part of me now, and I will always remember what might have been.

• Sometimes I feel guilty about the "other baby." About 5 minutes after our BFP, J and I started calling "it" Baby P, and after we found out that there would be no Baby P we just stopped using the name because "it" had never really existed (at least in my husband's mind). I saw those two sacs on the u/s screen, I physically m/c two possible babies, but never really "mourned" that second baby. Even on the rare occasion I play the "Would Be" game or think about the m/c, I still think Baby P- singular (see previous bullet). I feel guilty, like I didn't give that possible being its proper due. That probably doesn't make any sense at all, it might even sound crazy...

• I wonder if I'm making too big a deal of this getting pregnant stuff. Does it really matter if I O >CD20? What's two-four days? Yes, J had a really bleak SA almost a year ago, but the stats that came back on the frozen vials really aren't that bad... shouldn't we just be able to do this on our own? The answer is probably yes, because I did get pregnant. Granted, things didn't work out so well, but the egg was there, the sperm got there and did its job... isn't that good? On the flip side, I don't want to be naive. Others who look perfectly healthy and fertile on their medical charts can't get pregnant for some unexplained reason, so is it such a stretch for me to worry about J and myself? Especially given the info I've found about late O'ing and J having such random SA results? Ugh, I don't know what to think.

One Down!

"Work friend C #2" had a baby girl today at 9:06am. She's a healthy 8 lbs 3 oz and 20 inches in length! 

No Hormones Necessary!

Of course, when I checked my email today J had written me again- more that two words this time.

Can anyone say "crazy?" I can! I realize it is normal to be emotional during deployments. It is easy to get off-kilter when your other half is away for so long, but I sure do feel sorry for my husband if I ever have to take hormones for this getting pregnant business. I know myself and it wouldn't be pretty! 

Deployments Suck

I am really ready for J to come home. It has only been 3.5 months and he'll be home in about 2 more, which is not very long (especially in comparison to other military units that are gone 12+ months), but I'm hating every minute of it. I'm not sure why this one is so difficult, maybe because of where J is, or because he changed locations and has been incommunicado. He was finally able to call me last week, and he tells me that it'd be great if I sent more emails because he likes opening his mailbox and seeing one there since he is so far from home. I said I'd like that also since he's so far away from me too! It goes both ways. So, earlier in the week I sent a longish message and two days later got 4 sentences back. Okay, not a big deal. Then I write a really long message about my RE appt and a few other things including what meal choice he'd like for an upcoming wedding. J's reply:

Fillet Mignon.

That was it! Nothing else. Not even a "love you" thrown in. Wow. I'm going to assume he was very busy, even though he's always telling me how bored he his. I guess I'm just hurt, and lonely and I can't handle him being emotionally far away AND physically far away at the same time. This sucks.

RE Appointment

Had my RE appt today. I took the whole day off, and slept in until 12:30pm- it was glorious! After dragging myself out of bed and getting ready, I headed to my appt. For some sick and twisted reason the IF clinic is right next to the OB ultrasound rooms, so as I'm sitting there waiting to talk about my m/c and IF issues I get to hear the unmistakable "whoosh whoosh" sounds of baby heartbeats. Isn't that great! What idiot designed that set-up?!? I won't lie, I teared up. I couldn't help it. 

After about 20 minutes of waiting I was called in for BP and weight checks, then I got to wait another 10 minutes for the doctor, Dr. H, who came across very clinical, but also nice. She reviewed my history, which I expected, then had me undress for an u/s (my 5th internal u/s in the last 10 months, guess I should get used to these)-- that I was not expecting! Dr. H, the Attending and two nurses were there for the u/s, gotta love an audience. Everything looked fine, normal or some such. 

The Attending, Dr. C, ordered an HSG to make sure everything is clear before moving onto IUI with the frozen vials, which is what he wants to do next. They also really want to see J considering how bleak his SA looks, but I don't think that will happen since we're moving a few weeks after he gets home. Which also makes me wonder if there will even be time for an IUI. I'm suppose to have the HSG at the beginning of my next cycle, which is like May 20th, then I have to meet with Dr.H/Dr.C again, then schedule with the outside IF clinic where the vials are stored, etc, etc. I'm thinking July at the earliest and we're suppose to be moving at the end of July. 

Guess we'll just have to wait and see...

Did I ever mention...

...that my other cousin, J, is also pregnant? Yup. I guess there were/are so many that it slipped through the cracks! Here's an updated count:

1. Work friend T due with baby#1: May 19th
2. Work friend C due with baby #2: May 30th
3. Work friend A due with baby #2: Jun 30th
4. Cousin J due with baby #2: Aug 5th
5. Cousin K due with baby #1: Aug 21st
6. Close work friend E due with baby #1: Sep 15th
7. Sister-in-law due L with baby #2: Sep 26th

CD 38

and still no AF... Seriously? What the f^#k is up with my body? I'd be excited if there was some actual possibility of being PG, but with J on the other side of the world that would be quite the immaculate conception. CD 38, is this a joke?!?

So-busy-so-tired...

Remember how I said I've taken on an extra job at school to keep busy? Well, I'm beginning to wonder what I have gotten myself into... I am so overworked, over-stressed and overtired! I will be much happier when the next few weeks are over...

Spring Fever

I have Spring Fever- BAD. I just got back from GA, where I was looking at a rental and getting the lay of the land. We are suppose to be moving there, though that could change, but that is a totally different post. Anyhoo, the weather was warm, the sun was out, it was great! Plus, today was one of the nicest days we've had in the Pac NW this year, and the rest of the week is suppose to be just as lovely. Unfortunately, it is back to school tomorrow after a nice long week off. On top of that, we are nearly into the last quarter of the year. We are in the home stretch, and it is hard to stay focused. The school year is wrapping up soon, Spring has sprung (hopefully!!!) and we are moving in a few months. I have the fever and am anxiously awaiting summer vacation ;o)

An Up and a Down

The Up: Yesterday was a coworker's 50th birthday, so we all went out to a pub and enjoyed a few drinks and conversation last night. It was a really great time, and I'm so glad that I went. It was nice to hang out with friends, talk and get to know each other better. I stayed waaaaay later than I thought I would. I'm not very social, I get shy or feel insecure really easily so I don't usually put myself in awkward social situations, but I work with some great people, and I really needed it. I really needed to not go home to an empty house, not eat some prepackaged meal. It was just a lot of fun.

The Down: I went to dinner tonight at my friend's, the H family. They're also military and we knew them a little bit in NC. We all moved out here at the same time, and became close friends quickly. Well, it is the 3 year mark and that means we are all moving on and tonight was basically goodbye. And it really sucks. These aren't just friends, they're family, and I am really going to miss them. I'm sure we'll stay in touch, but we'll probably never live in the same place again. I'm just really sad that they're leaving and that we won't be a regular part of each others lives anymore. I know this is pretty typical of military life but that doesn't make it any easier to say goodbye.

More Research

Ever since Dr. A told me that late ovulation could be a fertility issue, and I looked it up, I've had this nagging feeling that maybe my older eggs had something to do with my blighted ovum. Tonight I did some more reading and here is what I found:

“What causes a blighted ovum? A blighted ovum is the cause of about 50% of first trimester miscarriages and is usually the result of chromosomal problems. A woman’s body recognizes abnormal chromosomes in a fetus and naturally does not try to continue the pregnancy because the fetus will not develop into a normal, healthy baby. This can be caused by abnormal cell division, or poor quality sperm or egg.” (americanpregnancy.org)

“Some research seems to indicate that a blighted ovum may be more common in older mothers and is usually a problem with the egg rather the sperm.” (misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com) 

While we'll never actually know what happened, and that's okay, it makes sense that it might have been my 21 day old egg that was the issue. Lovely. 

Appointment & Envy

The IF clinic actually called me yesterday because they had a few appointments open up on April 30th. I'm not really sure what will happen at this appointment. I'll probably have to reiterate my history, the m/c, my cycle, J's SA, etc. After that? I have no idea, but I am glad to have an appointment set. I really thought we'd have to wait until we'd moved, so hopefully we'll be able to get any testing, etc done before we head out of town. That way when we do get to our new post, we can kick things into gear!

E's u/s went really well, thankfully. Baby H-W measured at 13w5days and E got a cool pic too. It is so amazing. There really are no sad/jealous feelings on my end. I am truly happy that everything went well. I look forward to the day when it is me and J, because that will be a very good day. I know we will truly appreciate and be overjoyed to see a healthy, growing baby on that u/s screen. I just hope that day comes sooner rather than later.

In the meantime

I wait. 

I wait for the clinic to call. I wait for my husband to come home. I wait to find out where we go next. I wait for school to be done. I wait for friends to call back. I wait all alone. 

I am tremendously lonely, and the waiting doesn't help. I have stuff to do of course, but it is all mundane or annoying, and doesn't make me feel any better. I have made "dates" with friends, taken on extra duties at work, all to keep busy. Though in the end, I still come home to an empty house, an empty life. I feel like I am waiting for the next stage in my life to start and there is nothing I can do to move it along and that is both frustrating and depressing at the same time. We will be moving this summer, but the where to keeps changing so I can't even focus on that. I'm waiting for orders before anything is considered official. I'm trying to think ahead of what I can do once we know, but until then there is nothing I can do. So, I wait. 

Earlier tonight Dr. Seuss's Oh, the Places You'll Go came to mind and I had to reread it. Usually I'm inspired after reading it. Tonight I cried. Does that worry me? not really. I'm used to going through funks. It's genetic, and usually doesn't last too long, but I don't like feeling this way. I feel guilty because I know that others have life so much harder than I do. I am safe, I am not starved, I have a job, I have a home, I have my health, I have never been abused or mistreated, I have family and friends who care about me. I should and do feel extremely lucky for all of those things, and yet I am reminded of the study that was done on monkeys where they tested to see how important contact was. In a (cruel, but poignant) experiment, baby monkeys were given the choice between a cold, wire-mesh "monkey" that could feed them or a soft, warm "monkey" they could lay with. Do you know what they chose? The soft monkey, the babies would rather starve than give up the soft touch (for a more in-depth version click here). That story always haunts me, but even more so when J is gone. I crave contact, and I guess I feel that once it is not just me, maybe it won't be so bad. Trust me, there are many more (larger) reasons for us wanting to start a family, but knowing that it may take awhile or be more difficult than it should be is tough. 

I'm tired and rambling, so I guess I'll call it a night. E had her u/s yesterday, I think envy is a better descriptor than jealousy, but I'll save that for another day...

"And when you're in a Slump,

you're not in for much fun.

Un-slumping yourself 

is not easily done."

Dr. Seuss

Still Can't Believe It!

Introducing K's little boy, Joseph, also born March 4th!

Screeching Halt

After checking with Dr. A that my referral was in, I called the infertility clinic to make an appointment. They are so booked up that the earliest I could get in is May and that is so far out for them that they didn't even have the schedule built yet!!! So, I am on the waiting list, but I'm number three on the list- *great*! Well, I guess we can assume that I won't be getting KU anytime soon...

Becoming Informed

After my appointment with Dr. A yesterday, I (of course) had to do some research. I consider myself pretty informed, but I was under the impression that what CD a women O'd wasn't an issue as long as it was regular. Guess Dr. A is right to try and move things along:

"Anything more than 20 days and it is considered a late ovulation.  You can still get pregnant if you have late ovulations, although it can be more difficult. Since your uterine lining is shed and replaced during your period, a late ovulation means that the current lining is a bit too old.  This can make it harder for a fertilized egg to attach, although it doesn’t harm the baby if you do get pregnant.  It also means that the eggs that do travel to the uterus are not as fertile as they should be.  All of these factors can make it harder for you to have a baby if you have late ovulation, although it is not impossible." (from ovulationcalculator.org)

"Many women do get pregnant with late ovulations, but chances of getting pregnant are decreased. For one, the egg is not as good when you ovulate later in the cycle. A 'not good' egg is less likely to be fertilized and become an embryo. In addition, the lining of the uterus, the endometrium, is where the fertilized egg, the blastocyst, has to attach and implant. If the endometrium is too old, it is less likely to provide sufficient nutrition for the blastocyst, so implantation is decreased." (from www.medicinenet.com)

Umm, okay...

I met with Dr. A again today. He had wanted to meet with me after I ovulated, basically to see what CD that would be. He is concerned about my late ovulation (usually between CD21-24) and its implications on our fertility. That and J's not-so-great SA results. I thought we'd talk about a HSG or clomid, but no- Dr. A is scheduling me to see the RE about IUI! Umm, this is very different from the original plan. I was sort of shocked, and a bit confused. This is so not what I was expecting from this appointment. I actually feel like we might be rushing things, but at the same time I have someone willing to push things along, I feel like I should take advantage. I still have to meet with the RE and get his approval. Though, Dr. A was very convincing that this is the way to go. So, here we go?

Can't Believe It!!

Ok, so I just received this in a text message from my previously pregnant friend A:

Lillian, 9lbs 8oz, 22 in long born @1800 today

I cannot believe it, two (maybe three) of my friends had their babies on the same day! How crazy is that!! Wow...