In the meantime

I wait. 

I wait for the clinic to call. I wait for my husband to come home. I wait to find out where we go next. I wait for school to be done. I wait for friends to call back. I wait all alone. 

I am tremendously lonely, and the waiting doesn't help. I have stuff to do of course, but it is all mundane or annoying, and doesn't make me feel any better. I have made "dates" with friends, taken on extra duties at work, all to keep busy. Though in the end, I still come home to an empty house, an empty life. I feel like I am waiting for the next stage in my life to start and there is nothing I can do to move it along and that is both frustrating and depressing at the same time. We will be moving this summer, but the where to keeps changing so I can't even focus on that. I'm waiting for orders before anything is considered official. I'm trying to think ahead of what I can do once we know, but until then there is nothing I can do. So, I wait. 

Earlier tonight Dr. Seuss's Oh, the Places You'll Go came to mind and I had to reread it. Usually I'm inspired after reading it. Tonight I cried. Does that worry me? not really. I'm used to going through funks. It's genetic, and usually doesn't last too long, but I don't like feeling this way. I feel guilty because I know that others have life so much harder than I do. I am safe, I am not starved, I have a job, I have a home, I have my health, I have never been abused or mistreated, I have family and friends who care about me. I should and do feel extremely lucky for all of those things, and yet I am reminded of the study that was done on monkeys where they tested to see how important contact was. In a (cruel, but poignant) experiment, baby monkeys were given the choice between a cold, wire-mesh "monkey" that could feed them or a soft, warm "monkey" they could lay with. Do you know what they chose? The soft monkey, the babies would rather starve than give up the soft touch (for a more in-depth version click here). That story always haunts me, but even more so when J is gone. I crave contact, and I guess I feel that once it is not just me, maybe it won't be so bad. Trust me, there are many more (larger) reasons for us wanting to start a family, but knowing that it may take awhile or be more difficult than it should be is tough. 

I'm tired and rambling, so I guess I'll call it a night. E had her u/s yesterday, I think envy is a better descriptor than jealousy, but I'll save that for another day...

"And when you're in a Slump,

you're not in for much fun.

Un-slumping yourself 

is not easily done."

Dr. Seuss