An Outline

I've had all these thoughts floating through my head for the last few weeks, but they are so random I'm unsure about what to say. Sometimes what I'm feeling and thinking is so contradictory that even I'm confused! I can't guarantee that any of this will make sense, but I'm going with an outline just to get it out there:

• I'm feeling a little cheated. I am actually not referring to the m/c, at least not directly, but of my "innocence" as it were. I am hopeful that one day in the not too distant future I will get pregnant again, but when I do I will be fraught with nervousness. When I see those two lines, I'll never be blissfully happy and unaware of life's nasty side. It will be a constant struggle to not lose my mind with worry until I bring a healthy baby home (and I'll probably keep worry for another 70 years or so after that) and that makes me sad.

• My heart will never be the same after losing a baby that never was. It just won't. I lost a baby, that is part of me now, and I will always remember what might have been.

• Sometimes I feel guilty about the "other baby." About 5 minutes after our BFP, J and I started calling "it" Baby P, and after we found out that there would be no Baby P we just stopped using the name because "it" had never really existed (at least in my husband's mind). I saw those two sacs on the u/s screen, I physically m/c two possible babies, but never really "mourned" that second baby. Even on the rare occasion I play the "Would Be" game or think about the m/c, I still think Baby P- singular (see previous bullet). I feel guilty, like I didn't give that possible being its proper due. That probably doesn't make any sense at all, it might even sound crazy...

• I wonder if I'm making too big a deal of this getting pregnant stuff. Does it really matter if I O >CD20? What's two-four days? Yes, J had a really bleak SA almost a year ago, but the stats that came back on the frozen vials really aren't that bad... shouldn't we just be able to do this on our own? The answer is probably yes, because I did get pregnant. Granted, things didn't work out so well, but the egg was there, the sperm got there and did its job... isn't that good? On the flip side, I don't want to be naive. Others who look perfectly healthy and fertile on their medical charts can't get pregnant for some unexplained reason, so is it such a stretch for me to worry about J and myself? Especially given the info I've found about late O'ing and J having such random SA results? Ugh, I don't know what to think.