I found out J will be gone another month, which gets him home around Aug 1. I didn't realize how badly I was missing him until I heard he'd be gone even longer. I'm sick of trying to make plans just to have them change in an instant, sick of coming home to an empty house (though thank goodness for our cats), sick of sleeping alone, and most of all: sick of being alone.
I'm pissed too. Pissed that we are struggling to create a family when my selfish-as-hell SIL and psycho brother get to send out pics from their perfect 8w u/s. The couple that not too long ago self-proclaimed that they weren't going to have kids! (Which, honestly, the family was totally all for, no one really wants these two procreating). I know that "not-so-good" people get pregnant all the time, while "good" people can struggle for years. It's not fair, and I can scream that until I am blue in the face, but it won't matter because I know life doesn't work that way. There is no rhyme or reason. I am being nice though. In fact, I even sent them a "congrats you're having a baby" card and given our history that really earns me a metal.
And I'm nervous. Nervous about what Dr. C will advise, nervous that I'll have to have a surgery to clear my blocked tube, nervous that it won't work, nervous it could make things worse, nervous that means IVF, and nervous that even after all of that we could still be childless. I know there are other avenues, and we will go those routes if need be, but I've always wanted to carry my baby to term. I want our children to share our genes, and be able to say that they have both Native American and Pilgrim blood. Am I totally getting ahead of myself? Of course, that is what I do people! I'm trying to dial it back, but as the anniversary of our BFP looms closer, the more desperate I feel.
You may now commence with calling me crazy :)
4 comments:
Foremost, I am so sorry that J's return is delayed by a month. What a blow that must have been. I am sure that just started you thinking about all that's not going right at the moment. Facing the future as an infertile is SO HARD. I always felt like every month that went by, every procedure that didn't work meant that the chance of me ever carrying OUR baby was getting smaller and smaller. There's just that day when you say- it might not ever happen. And that is a lonely day. Even with my husband with me that was a lonely day for me because he wasn't at the same place I was mentally and emotionally. But I know just having him phsically present counted for something. I am sorry you are going through this alone. I am here if you ever need to talk-
Not crazy. Normal.
I'm sorry, hon. I remember your exact feelings so well.
Thank you so much for the kind words and support ladies - I really appreciate it!
Thank you for commenting on my blog. Now that I know about this one you are on my google reader and I will be keeping up with what's going on with you.
One thing I learned through all this is you will be so surprised how strong you are. You must already know that having survived a few deployments. Whatever happens...even IVF is NOTHING you can't handle! And we're here to support you through it all. Good Luck!
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