Silent Tears

The tears started flowing tonight. Long ago, when we found out Baby P's EDD, there was lots of talk about it. Our nephew's birthday is Mar 1 and my stepdad's Mar 3, so we were always hoping that Baby P would arrive on another day. I really wanted Baby P to be born in February. I used to joke that Baby P would hold out till the last minute and arrive close to midnight Feb 28th. So, here I am - 10:42pm on Feb 28th with Baby P obviously not arriving anytime soon. I feel so silly, but at the same time I just can't help it...

Waiting for the Phone Calls

Since my friends BA, K, A and I(me) all had EDD right around each other, it is just a matter of time now. BA was due today. She has been MIA on Facebook, so I'm wondering if she went into labor. K and I had the exact same EDD, but her baby boy has been riding really high, and my guess is he'll arrive later. A is scheduled for a C-section next week, but I have a feeling baby girl will arrive early. Guess I'll just have to wait and see!

I'm not sure how I'm feeling about all this right now. I have these moments where I wonder "would Baby P have arrived yet?" but (gladly) these aren't sad thoughts, just passing glimpses. Since the m/c, it feels like time has gone by slowly, but also very quickly. How strange.

Kinda running the gamut

My emotions have been all over the place this week. Sometimes I'm sad, sometimes hopeful, sometimes numb. I am having a numb moment. I'm looking forward to getting past Mar 1st. I'm hoping I'll pass through some imaginary finish-line where I can be over it all. I'll have hit that milestone, and be able to move on. Wouldn't that be great?

This past Saturday, I taught a Babysitters Training class for the first time since the m/c. The last time I was pg, and excited thinking J could try practicing on the equipment. I hadn't been able to teach the class since. Though I must admit that the day went much better than I thought. I thought it would be this big reminder, that it would make me feel sad talking about babies, but I was actually okay. Better than okay. As I sat there watching the instructional video review diapering, I thought "Someday, that will be me. Someday I'll be able to put all my mommy skills to good use." I caught myself being hopeful, which is an emotion I haven't felt in awhile. I had a glimpse of the day where I'd be done playing the "Would be" game and moving onto the "Someday" game. That would be wonderful. Though, I am not there yet- I would be 39weeks today...

Lonely.

I'm missing J terribly tonight. I wish he was here to hold on tight to. I'm hoping he is safe & sound, and I'm counting the days till he comes home.

Overemotional

I've been very overemotional lately and I'm beginning to figure out why:

1) Last week sometime I was talking with another teacher about how every night I have to convince myself that, yes I do have to go to work tomorrow. It feels like we should be on summer break already. Of course my teacher friend laughed and said I was really in trouble if I'm thinking it is summer! I laughed too, because it has been the strangest thing. Then, I started remembering- for an entire month last summer I was so excited knowing that my school year would be over by Feb Break... and here we are, but I'm not going anywhere. I know it was a long time ago, but I was so excited at the idea of being home with my baby and not having to go back to work, that I think my subconscious was having a hard time letting go of that notion. Plus, I haven't had that feeling since my revelation last week.

2) Baby P's EDD is around the corner, and it is more heart-wrenching than I thought. When I got my BFP, J brought home a bouquet of flowers and a teddy bear holding a baby bear rattle. We were both so happy. Then we had that sad 8 week u/s and the teddy bear was put away. Well, yesterday my mom sent me flowers and J sent me a Vermont Teddy Bear for Valentines Day, and the memories just came flooding back. I broke down crying. 

I'm crying now! See- way overemotional! I'm getting sick of it, but I can't help it at the same time. Knowing that J and I are losing most of this year because of his deployment is making me so crazed. I can't stand the thought that we will not be having a baby this year. We can't even try until Jul/Aug! I'm just sitting here, waiting around for what I want most in life, and I'm so sad knowing what would have been, but can never be...

I never thought...

... that by my 29th birthday I wouldn't yet be a mom.

Results

Dr. A called me yesterday saying that the CD3 blood work looked good and within normal limits. He told me to call him when the CBEFM indicates that I'll be ovulating to set up an appointment. I'm not sure for what. He mentioned taking vitals, though I don't understand why that would have to wait until I'm ovulating. I must have missed something. Hmm, guess I'll find out!

**** Results in Detail (updated 2/12) ****

LH = 3.38 

FSH = 5.82

TSH sensitive = 1.56

Prolactin TOT = 14.09

Updated Count

1. Good friend BA due with baby #1: Feb 26th
2. Good friend K due with baby #1: Mar 1st
3. Good friend A due with baby #3: Mar 3rd
4. Work friend T due with baby#1: May 19th
5. Work friend C due with baby #2: May 30th
6. Work friend A due with baby #2: Jun 30th
7. Cousin K due with baby #1: Aug 21st
8. Close work friend E due with baby #1: Sep 15th
9. Sister-in-law L due with baby #2: Sep 16th

Are You Kidding Me?!?

Guess what... come on, take a guess...

Yup, another pregnancy. That makes NINE!!! Are you kidding me?!?!

My sister-in-law called me tonight to tell me she is expecting. To say this baby is a surprise is an understatement. In fact, this pregnancy is so unplanned that my brother-in-law, R, is pissed. When L told him, he hung up on her. Their next conversation was a fight, with R yelling that he is "48 f*!#ing years old!" My SIL is going to be 37, and my nephew is almost 8... 

L seemed a bit hesitant to tell me because she knows about the m/c. She had already told my other SIL, K (38 and has been trying to get pg for 1.5 years), who was happy, but upset over the news. I told L that if she is happy, then I am happy for her. L is happy. It wasn't planned, but I know that deep down she really wanted another baby. 

So, there you go... unbelievable. 

CD 3 Blood Work

Since it was day 3 of my cycle, I headed to the lab right after school let out today. Hopefully, Dr. A will call me tomorrow or Friday with the results. Thankfully, I only needed to give one vial of blood and the tech was good at his job! 

Apparently, I have very small veins. This is something I learned after my m/c, as I went to the lab week after week until my hCG hit zero. In fact, today was the first time I'd been back to that lab since Sept. It was hard to remember that the first time I had blood drawn there was to confirm my pregnancy (I didn't actually believe the HPT, even the digital, I wanted medical proof). 

I also played the "Would Be" game while I was there: I would be 36w 1day pg, I would be seeing the doctor every week now, I would be wrapping up at school, I would have toured labor and delivery only a few floors up, etc, etc. Pathetic, I know. I can't help it, my brain just generates all these thoughts. I suppose I could try and start playing a new game, the "Someday I Will": get pregnant again, be excited about increasing betas, carry, deliver & bring home a healthy baby- game. 

It's just taking me time to get there...

Betrayed

My "ladies days" started today. Great. I'm thrilled, can't you tell?

I'm feeling a bit betrayed by my body this month. If I'd known I'd be O'ing on CD17, then J and I would have put in a real effort this month. Instead, I figured I'd O CD21-24, like usual. For some reason my body decided to whack-out this month. It doesn't make any sense!!! I truly think something is wrong with one of my ovaries. My right one O's CD21-24, my left one seems to either not O or O's earlier. That doesn't seem right to me. 

The only good thing about starting CD1 today is that at least I'll be able to hit the lab CD3 this month. I was afraid that I'd start Thursday or Friday and miss out on having my blood draws this month. Plus, I'll actually get to use the CBEFM that I paid good money for.

This trying to be positive thing is new territory for me, but I guess it can't hurt to try...

Feeling a Little Left Behind...

I know that there is no prescription to life. That everyone hits their milestones at their own pace, but I can't help but feel a little left behind these days. 

I felt this way a few years ago, when my two bestfriends, B & K, got married. They were suddenly in this marriage club together, while I was still in the dating club. They didn't exclude me in anyway, we just couldn't relate on a certain level. I hadn't even met my husband yet, and had no way of knowing when it would be my "turn." I didn't mind talking about their marriages or issues with their spouses. We're bestfriends who've known each other for decades, it's what we do. Though, I have a feeling there were times when they'd call each other before calling me to talk about their husbands. They could relate to one another. 

A few years later, I got married and we were all in the same club again! A month later, found out B was pregnant. K and her DH had been trying for years, but with no success. Then K did get pregnant, then 5 weeks later I was pregnant. I thought "Yay, we'll all be in the mommy club together now!" 

Well, we know how that turned out- K had her beautiful baby girl two weeks ago, I had a m/c, and now I'm feeling a little left behind again... 

Why Does It Still Hit Me?

So just days after I patted myself on the back about not breaking down after hearing E's news (and I am totally happy for them, I swear!!), I was lying in bed last night and I started crying. Maybe it was the recent pics of my friends BA and K in all of their 36-35 week pregnant glory. They are beautiful and I am thrilled for them. It just hits me sometimes... that would be me.  It's not and I totally accept that, it's just hard to let go.  We really wanted Baby P. We were so excited about Baby P. The planning and hoping and dreaming, just gone. The rug pulled out from under us. We didn't see it coming. Even though I had my funny feeling that things weren't quite right, I was trying to be positive. Plus, nothing can protect you from the hurt of losing a pregnancy, losing a baby you wanted. I'm crying just typing this. WHY??? It was months ago. It is so frustrating. I wonder if I'll ever get over it. I hope that day comes soon.

PS: J just called and that was a nice surprise, so now I'm feeling a little better. Maybe I just needed to get it out of my system.

The Two Week Wait

The 2ww is one of the most anxious times of the month for anyone TTC. It is a long shot for us this month, but I spent Jan 14-17 with J at another post before he was sent overseas. I didn't go to try and get pregnant, mostly because I wasn't expected to O until CD21-22. But, I think I O'd last Monday, which was CD17! That is super early for me, but it surely felt like I O'd. Now, I know it is not likely, but I can't help but be a little anxious. I'm not getting my hopes up that's for sure, and I've even been able to avoid stocking up on HPTs. I have one digital left, and I'll use that, but only if I don't start my "ladies days" by CD35. Keeping my fingers crossed!!

Yup, Another One!

As I'm getting ready for work this morning, my phone rings. It was my close work friend, E. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: "Hey, what's up?"

E: Sobbing, deep breathing "ther-therz-there's two lines!!!!" some blubbering with more crying.

Me: "Oh, E! It's okay, take some deep breaths."

E: "I-I-I've been trying too, bu-but, I can't stop crying! *sniff* What am I suppose to do?!?!" more blubbering, "... don't know *sniff* if I'm ready!"

Me: "E, calm down... I can't really understand everything you're saying."

E: "I-I-I'm, trying not to wake DH" more sniffing. 

Me: "Oh, E, you're gonna be fine, everything will be fine!"

E: "I didn't think it would happen this soon..."

Me: "I know hun, but I think you need to wake up DH... E, this is exciting news!"

E: "I know... I just needed to talk it out."

Me: "This is a good thing, E. Go wake DH and tell him!"

E: "Okay."

Me: "I'll see you in a little while, bye!"

E: "Bye."

Yup, E's around 6 weeks pregnant... Guess my Pregnant Friend Count is back up to 8! Suffice it to say, E was not expecting to get pregnant so quickly. They weren't even officially trying. They were just not protecting and seeing how things went.

I'm so very excited for them, and I'm a bit excited for me too. Why? Because I didn't break down, I didn't shed one tear. I took one deep breath and was fine. I've come a long way!  Of course, I now know that the remote chance I have of being PG this cycle is now null and void, 'cause statistics don't seem to work in my favor ;oP   I'm joking, sort of.

I really did think that this morning: "Well, there it is. Guess it won't be me this month." I even brought E one of my pregnancy books, because I know I won't be needing it anytime soon. Pessimistic, right? BUT, I didn't cry about it, and that says a lot...

Next Steps

Today I met with Dr. A, the same doc who gave J his SA results. What a nice man! Even with me being a pretty open person (and having a background in health science = having no problem using the anatomically correct terms for body parts and functions with strangers), I instantly felt very at ease with Dr. A. We talked about my overall health, and J's, then laid out a plan:

Once my next cycle starts...

1) On CD 3 I'll be headed to the lab to have blood draws to test my FSH, thyroid and Prolactin levels.

2) Start monitoring/calculating ovulation more precisely using the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor (hereafter known as CBEFM, 'cause I am not spelling that out every time!), which arrived today - how fitting! PS- Did I mention that I think I ovulated Monday, which was CD 17 and waaaaay earlier than normal??

3) Assuming all my blood tests come back "normal," I'll continue to use the CBEFM through July when J gets home.

4) Dr. A will give J and I three months TTC the "old-fashioned way." If we get PG, great! If not, then he'll schedule me for a HSG and refer us for ART.

Sound good? I think so too, though I'd love to be pushed to the front of the line and put some of that frozen sperm to good use. I kid! No, really I would love for J and I to do this on our own, but I'm anxious. I did feel like a bit of a crazy-lady sitting there talking about my "sixth sense" after hearing that his wife is 31 weeks pregnant after FOUR YEARS of trying (eventually using IVF). Four years, that's insane!! I have no idea how they did that... I'd lose my mind!

So, now I just sit around and wait for my "ladies days" to start. 

Oh, and I need to hit the gym and eat healthier. Did he miss the part where J is gone for 6 months? I always get into a funk when he is gone. I'm lucky if I work up enough energy to do the dishes! Guess some people would call that depression, but that's just me. However, I will do my best! YES I CAN :)

Pregnant friend #1 = A mom!

My best friend since the age of 12 gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on Jan 15th! Here she is:

Another One.

Make that 8 pregnancies in my world... I just came back from dinner with my cousin, who just happens to be 9 weeks pregnant. I am ecstatic for her and her husband. I really, really am, but it is so hard to not tell her about my miscarriage. She kept talking about how tired she is, what foods don't sit well with her, etc, etc. She wasn't complaining, just sharing. I kept saying things like "yea, that can be rough" or "oh yea, I understand." It's not like I want to brag about my m/c, I just feel like I was once part of that club too, but my membership card was revoked. I would love to talk openly about what my pregnancy was like, but I can't or won't. Why? Because it doesn't seem fair. I don't want to rain on her parade. Plus, I don't want to be pitied or have her stop sharing because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings- that's so not fair to her. She hasn't had an u/s yet,  and I can't help but be nervous for them. No one should know the pain of losing a pregnancy, and certainly no one should ever know the agony of losing a child, but it happens. I hope that everything goes perfectly for them, and  they have every right to be blissfully unaware of all of that ugliness. 

Though I can't believe there is another pregnancy in my little world...

The Cart Before the Horse

Since I had my funny feeling that J and I might have trouble TTC, I ordered a Fertell test kit to see what it would say. My FSH test came out within normal limits, but J's was, well, negative for lack of a better term :) 

So, the day before I found out I was pregnant in June, J had a SA done. We never got the results because we thought we didn't need them, but on Monday J went to see the Doc for something and he went over the analysis with him. I wished I'd been there, but here are the main points:

• Count = 8 mil/mL (very low)
• Viability = 69% (low)
• Motility = 60% (normal)
• Vigor = 2+ poor activity with slow forward progression
• Morphology = I couldn't really understand what it was trying to tell me

Because of the very low count and other low factors, Doc recommended J bank sperm at a local fertility clinic in case I wanted to pursue ART options while J was away. I was hit with all of this when I walked in the door last Monday, and we were lucky enough to get J appointments on Thursday and Saturday. I went with him on Saturday to hear how Thursday's specimen looked. The Dr said that they got 3 vials and that the numbers were much better, 50 mil/mL, but that the motility was low and that the sperm were still "a little sluggish." The Dr also said that the specimen would have been ideal for IUI, because you never know how the sperm will do when they thaw. Such a strange concept.

Of course, we have no idea what we are doing! I've never been specifically tested for fertility issues, and I'm not sure that I want to go through with all of that without my husband around. I feel very confused and torn. I really want to start a family soon, but it would be strange to get pregnant with my husband thousands of miles away. Plus, we're probably moving this summer, so do we really want to start down this road just to switch doctors/clinics? I'm just not sure. I feel like we've put the cart before the horse, WAAAYY before. Though at the same time, I'd love to think that I could be PG this year. I don't know...

The Count

The Pregnant Friend Count:

1. Best friend, K, due with baby #1: Jan 20th

2. Good friend BA due with baby #1: Feb 26th

3. Good friend K due with baby #1: Mar 1st ***

4. Good friend A due with baby #3: Mar 3rd

5. Work friend T due with baby #1: May 19th

6. Work friend C due with baby #2: May 30th

7. Work friend A due with baby #2: Jun 30th

***My EDD. This friend and I got pregnant on the exact same day. Can you beileve that?!? We both know exactly when we O'd, and we took the HPT on the same day, and called to tell each other the next day!! Unbeliveable....

I just found out about #7 today. I'm very happy for her. She's a little older, and she has been trying since May. She's also been very encouraging with me. Though, there was a slight pang because I was convinced that I was pregnant this last cycle. I was shocked every time the HPT came up negative (I'm a POAS-oholic). Every morning for a week I was so sure I'd get that BFP at some point. Our timing was perfect, my breasts were sore (last time that happened, I was PG), my heartburn was acting up, I was having pelvic twangs AND I was a day late! I'm never late! For the year since I've been off BCP, my luteal phase has never been more than 14 days long. I can always expect my "ladies days" (that is J's euphemism, he is so cute) exactly 2 weeks after I've O'd. Not last cycle, nooooo- my body decided to play a cruel joke. I got my hopes up. I tried not to, but I couldn't help it. I was soooo sure. Alas, Jan 2nd those hopes were dashed to pieces. Adding to that that J will be away for the next 6 months, it was a hard reality. I don't like when he is away, but I get by. I don't mind being alone, but I mind being lonely. I was looking forward to being PG during this deployment, because I'd be less alone, less lonely...

Why Now?

I've been wondering why I've decided to start writing about all of this having a baby stuff now. I've been thinking about starting a blog for awhile, not because I think what we're doing/going through is interesting to people, but because I usually write in a journal. I haven't written something down on paper in months. I don't know why that is, but I think typing it out would be good for me. I've tried not thinking about it all and that just seems to magnify how I feel, not make it go away. I know J understands how I'm feeling for the most part, but he is not as concerned as I am. He doesn't like seeing me sad, and I feel sadder making him feel bad- because he wants me to be happy and he tries everything he can think of to make me feel better. I can't explain it, I'm just different after the miscarriage. There is no way to "fix" it. It just is. Now knowing that we might not be able to get pregnant "the old-fashioned way" is daunting. 

So, here I am.

The "Would be" Game

I play the "would be" game all the time now: 

• I would be 32 weeks pregnant today
  
• I would have cleaned out the guest room to make room for Baby P
  
• I would be putting the final touches on the nursery 
• I would be putting away all the shower gifts
  
• I would only have apx 30 days of school left
  
• I would be excited
  
• I would be nervous
  
• I would be huge
  
• I would be happy
  

And so it begins...

... or continues, I suppose.
I've always known it wasn't going to be easy. I've had a sixth sense about this since I was young. In fact I told my husband, just days after we started dating, that my biggest fear in life is that I would never be able to physically have a healthy baby. I've always wanted to experience pregnancy- when the right time came of course. So when my husband and I decided to start trying to have a baby last February I tried to be positive, but I've had a feeling it was going to take us a while, that we'd have to travel a longer, windier road to parenthood. Then, low and behold our third month trying, I got knocked up!! And as happy as we were, I had a feeling something wasn't right. Call it wannabe-mother's intuition. I didn't have many symptoms, just cramping (no bleeding), a funny appetite, and breast soreness. Everyone told me that it was normal, that morning sickness, etc doesn't start till week 6. But I knew. I'm so glad my military husband was home, because he was there with me at the 8 week ultrasound when we found out that there was no baby, just two empty sacs. That's still what kills me... two!?!?! One of them couldn't have made it!?!? And even though there is no way to confirm it, I've always believed that they were suppose to be identical twins, but something went wrong when the DNA "unzipped." I find it hard to believe that I released two eggs, they both were fertilized and then neither of them developed (if that is what happened, then wow, we have problems). That's something else I've always known, that I'd have twins, and I did, just not in the way I thought I would.
The miscarriage sucked, but I learned that I am stronger than I thought. I think my threshold for pain has increased since! The worst part is the aftermath, telling everyone, having not 1, not 2, but 3 close friends being pregnant and due all around the same week I was due. I guess I get to be the statistic. Lucky me! That is a lottery I wish I hadn't won. But you know, I've never thought "why me?" I've just accepted it, maybe because I saw it coming.
So, now it is months later and I still think about it everyday. Sick, but true. I think that is because it feels like my biggest fear is starting to come true. And I know I sound like a whiner, and I know that people have experienced so much worse (and my heart truly goes out to those couples), but I can't help it. That's just how I am. The glass is 1/2 empty in my world. It doesn't help that we got my husband's Semen Analysis results back today. Not looking so good, but I think I'll save that for another day...