Tuesday, January 6, 2009

And so it begins...

... or continues, I suppose.
I've always known it wasn't going to be easy. I've had a sixth sense about this since I was young. In fact I told my husband, just days after we started dating, that my biggest fear in life is that I would never be able to physically have a healthy baby. I've always wanted to experience pregnancy- when the right time came of course. So when my husband and I decided to start trying to have a baby last February I tried to be positive, but I've had a feeling it was going to take us a while, that we'd have to travel a longer, windier road to parenthood. Then, low and behold our third month trying, I got knocked up!! And as happy as we were, I had a feeling something wasn't right. Call it wannabe-mother's intuition. I didn't have many symptoms, just cramping (no bleeding), a funny appetite, and breast soreness. Everyone told me that it was normal, that morning sickness, etc doesn't start till week 6. But I knew. I'm so glad my military husband was home, because he was there with me at the 8 week ultrasound when we found out that there was no baby, just two empty sacs. That's still what kills me... two!?!?! One of them couldn't have made it!?!? And even though there is no way to confirm it, I've always believed that they were suppose to be identical twins, but something went wrong when the DNA "unzipped." I find it hard to believe that I released two eggs, they both were fertilized and then neither of them developed (if that is what happened, then wow, we have problems). That's something else I've always known, that I'd have twins, and I did, just not in the way I thought I would.
The miscarriage sucked, but I learned that I am stronger than I thought. I think my threshold for pain has increased since! The worst part is the aftermath, telling everyone, having not 1, not 2, but 3 close friends being pregnant and due all around the same week I was due. I guess I get to be the statistic. Lucky me! That is a lottery I wish I hadn't won. But you know, I've never thought "why me?" I've just accepted it, maybe because I saw it coming.
So, now it is months later and I still think about it everyday. Sick, but true. I think that is because it feels like my biggest fear is starting to come true. And I know I sound like a whiner, and I know that people have experienced so much worse (and my heart truly goes out to those couples), but I can't help it. That's just how I am. The glass is 1/2 empty in my world. It doesn't help that we got my husband's Semen Analysis results back today. Not looking so good, but I think I'll save that for another day...

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