Was it All a Dream?

Was I really pregnant? Did that really happen?

That's how I feel a lot of the time, especially this past week. It seems impossible there was ever a time in my life when I was blissfully pregnant. It seems like another life, a parallel universe. It's funny how something that only lasted 4 weeks (from BFP to 1st u/s) has had such a huge impact on me. My wants in life are completely different, my view on life is even different. It was a happy that has no comparison, and now all I can do is hope I feel that happy again someday soon. 

Lazy

That's me! I call this my "End of School Week of Laziness!" I never feel like doing much the week after school lets out, and the added layer of melancholy doesn't help. My house desperately needs to be cleaned. There are things I need to craigs.list or donate. I have made it to the Y to workout this week though, which is huge for me! 

Luckily, I haven't had any s/e of the Clomid yet (don't want to jinx myself), but I hear that is normal when only taking 50mg. Hopefully, that is all I'll need. I am trying to be hopeful and positive that something good will come of this cycle. Though, at the same time I don't want to set myself up for disappointment- it hurts too much when things don't work out. Please let this work!

A Year Ago Today

We got our BFP. I was so excited, nervous and happy.

Today, I'm sad. 

Here We Go!

I was suppose to be out-of-town this week, but life events (cat has an eye infection) have kept me home, which worked out to be a good thing- CD 1 was Sunday. I left a message with Dr. C's people, and they called me yesterday. I had to go get a PG test done (such a waste, but I get it) and pick up my Clomid. I start 50mg of Clomid tonight and take it through Saturday, so CD 3-7. Eeeek! I'm nervous about the side effects, but excited to be getting things started. I'll have a follicle check Jul 2nd, and we'll go from there. I'm really hoping things go well!

Incomplete

I finally have a name for how I feel.

 

I was teaching a Babysitters Training class this afternoon and I realized today that I don't feel complete. It wasn't during the diapering practice or the cradle hold demo, it was while we were watching a video segment called "Hazard Hunt." During the segment the camera pans over this insanely messy house and the kids point out all the dangers. You know what I saw? A life full of laughter, family dinners, boo-boos that need a kiss and story time. And this feeling washed over me. 

I don't feel empty, like how I did after the m/c, but I'm not content either. A little of this may be from J being away, but even when he's home I don't feel quite right. I knew I would never be the same after the m/c and that is true, but this is different. There is this void... just waiting to be filled.

Title? I got nothing

So, I can't think of a title for this post. Everything I came up with didn't make sense. Maybe something will come to me. Probably not since my brain is fried. End of school year activities, grading and packing are taking their toll. 

My thoughts are pretty random lately. I can't believe how quickly the school year went, or this past year in general! I'm going to miss my students. I've had a fantastic group of 7th graders this year. They're going to be awesome 8th graders, and I'm bummed I won't be back. I also work with really great people. At the same time, this is also a good way to end my time there. Plus, I'm a little glad to not be working next year. I'm burnt out. There are real reasons why a large portion of teachers quit the profession within 5 years. This was my 4th. I love the kids, but I'm drained. Though, I always feel this way in June and by August I'm jonesing to get back into the classroom. I can't picture myself doing anything else.

Plus, there is the approaching 1 year mark. 1 year ago, I was pregnant. I didn't yet know it. The HPT I took June 19th was negative (too early), but 6 days later there it was- our BFP. How different I thought this year was going to be... Even after the m/c, I thought we'd be PG by now, but that was before we knew J was being deployed and his cruddy SA results. Then, finding out we're working with only one open tube. Even though Dr. C is taking it in stride for now, I'm still not over my concerns. 

Then there's the IUI. I'm not sure how this works, and I have a bunch of questions. I'm suppose to call CD1, but I might be out of town, so does that cancel things? Will I be taking Clomid? If so, how much and when do I start? Do I have to call the outside clinic? I've never been seen there, but J has- do they need to know this might be happening, or does Dr. C's office do that? What other things do I need to know or ask about? I'm sure these questions will all be resolved, so I'm just trying to be a non-freak about the whole thing. My random, conflicting feelings don't help matters. I vacillate between negativity that it won't work to optimistic hope to apathy. 

My brain is a such lovely place to be right now! Sometimes, I really wish there was an off switch.

Follow-up Appointment

Dr. C is an interesting fellow. I had my follow-up appt with him yesterday, and I was convinced he'd want to do a Lap and "fix" my blocked tube. Well, apparently not. Dr. C is in fact "not concerned one bit" about the right tube. I learned that some dye did flow into the tube. I guess the Radiologist must have seen that when he magnified the images, since he told me he couldn't see anything on the day of the HSG. Anyhoo, Dr. C is not concerned about it... ooookay. I asked him if he was sure in about 50 different ways, he always had the same answer: "you have free flow through one tube, that's all you need. Eventually you might need more intervention, but for now everything looks good." Again I say, ooookay... I'm shocked, but I guess I need someone to pull in the reigns. 

And he constantly repeated the need for J to be checked before moving on. Yes, J's first SA was not so good, but the subsequent SAs from the vials he froze at the outside clinic came back pretty decent. I forgot to bring those reports though and it took some convincing to get Dr. C to believe that I actually know how to read a medical report. In the end, Dr. C agreed to try an IUI this next cycle. At the time I felt like I was being pushy, but looking back I was really being assertive. J doesn't get home until the beginning of Aug, we're moving a few weeks later. Once we move we are SOL since the next closest military IF clinic will be 8 hours away (which Dr. C apparently thinks is a nice little Sunday drive since he kept saying we could drive two states over every cycle!). Plus, I can't just sit around for the next two months and do nothing. I think I'd go out of my mind! Yes, I'm antsy- impatient even, but I don't care. If Dr. C really thinks J is the big issue, wouldn't IUI be the first intervention anyhow? Why on Earth should we sit around doing nothing when this is what's coming down the pipe anyway? 

I don't mean to give the impression that Dr. C doesn't know his stuff, I just think our personalities don't quite mesh. Which, won't matter as long as we can communicate effectively, and if I need to be more assertive to be heard, then so be it!  

Pity Party, Table for 1

Yup, I said it. I am totally pitiful these days. I am having trouble seeing anything good coming my way. Life could be worse, true. Life could be better, also true. 

I found out J will be gone another month, which gets him home around Aug 1. I didn't realize how badly I was missing him until I heard he'd be gone even longer. I'm sick of trying to make plans just to have them change in an instant, sick of coming home to an empty house (though thank goodness for our cats), sick of sleeping alone, and most of all: sick of being alone. 

I'm pissed too. Pissed that we are struggling to create a family when my selfish-as-hell SIL and psycho brother get to send out pics from their perfect 8w u/s. The couple that not too long ago self-proclaimed that they weren't going to have kids! (Which, honestly, the family was totally all for, no one really wants these two procreating). I know that "not-so-good" people get pregnant all the time, while "good" people can struggle for years. It's not fair, and I can scream that until I am blue in the face, but it won't matter because I know life doesn't work that way. There is no rhyme or reason. I am being nice though. In fact, I even sent them a "congrats you're having a baby" card and given our history that really earns me a metal. 

And I'm nervous. Nervous about what Dr. C will advise, nervous that I'll have to have a surgery to clear my blocked tube, nervous that it won't work, nervous it could make things worse, nervous that means IVF, and nervous that even after all of that we could still be childless. I know there are other avenues, and we will go those routes if need be, but I've always wanted to carry my baby to term. I want our children to share our genes, and be able to say that they have both Native American and Pilgrim blood. Am I totally getting ahead of myself? Of course, that is what I do people! I'm trying to dial it back, but as the anniversary of our BFP looms closer, the more desperate I feel. 

You may now commence with calling me crazy :)

Thanks for the Reminder Lady!

That's what I wanted to keep screaming at the dental hygienist who cleaned my teeth today.

[Okay, before I go on my emotional rant I just want to say that this women is totally oblivious to what is happening in my life, could in no way know that her comments stung and was generally just a very talkative, but nice lady.]

So, I sit in the dental chair and a hygienist I have never seen before introduces herself, makes a comment about my teeth looking great, but asked if I was still considering braces (FYI: I've already had braces, but I am the poster child on why it is imperative to wear your retainers!!!!):

Me: "Yea, I'm going to look into it when we get to GA"

Her: "Oh great! Do you have kids?" {sting}

Me: "No, not yet" {sting} (thinking: I hate this question, it is so difficult for anyone who has m/c to answer!) 

Her: "Oh great! {sting} Get the braces now while you still can! Once you have kids {sting} life isn't the same! All your money will go towards your kids {sting}, so you should do it now!"

Me: "Mm, hmm" 

Her: "So, you're gonna take your records with you?"

Me: "Yup"

Her: "You're not going to lose them in the move?"

Me: "No, I'm pretty organized."

Her: "Oh, remember that someday when you have kids! {sting} You'll laugh at how organized you used to be, 'cause once you have kids {sting} everything is chaos!"

There were a couple more thrown in there, but I sort of tuned her out. I wanted to scream: "I'm suppose to have a baby! I'm suppose to be sleep deprived and spit up on! I'd give anything to have a chaotic, disorganized life, and the money that could go towards braces is being saved because my DH and I might have to spend a small fortune on trying to create the child that was taken from us! Now shut-up!"

Okay, emotional rant over.

Processing

I guess that's what I'm doing. I keep thinking up all these scenarios for what might be next or why my tube is blocked. I have a feeling that Dr. C, the RE, will want to do a Lap and say he won't know what the problem is until he "gets in there." I know that no one *likes* surgery, but I'm really not wanting a Lap. Mostly because of timing. I'm not sure Dr. C could get me in before we have to move, and I don't know enough about the med fac at the new post to feel good about having it done there. I am totally getting ahead of myself, and I'm trying to keep from over analyzing it until after my Jun 10 appt. But, I'm a planner. I really like having a plan, and it is hard to stop my overactive brain. I'm also processing the fact that we're not just dealing with MFI. This all might be much tougher than I originally thought. J and I might have to do more than we ever imagined in order to create a family.

I'm also beginning to think it's amazing we ever even got pregnant! Let's see: 1) there is the fact that we only BDed once before I O'd, five days before O... 2) my egg was >20 days old... 3) my right tube is blocked... and 4) J's shoddy numbers. Granted no actual baby developed, but wow! 

Though, maybe it was all of those factors that lead to no baby... almost a year ago. Sometimes I wish I didn't remember dates so well, because I remember we BDed on Thur 6/5, I O'd Tue 6/10, and got our BFP Wed 6/25. Dates ingrained into my brain forever probably, and it has been hard these past few days. I'm randomly crying again, which I thought I was past. Guess not. Though, I think once I pass 6/25 it will let up again. It's hard, and I just have to accept that I still miss the idea of Baby P everyday. I still think about Baby P. Everyday.

HSG = Right tube blocked

Awesome.

It is not the end of the world, but I don't know what happens now. I have my follow-up appt June 10th, and I'm really curious about what the RE will advise. The one thing I do know? I am always trusting my intuition. Everyone says "it will happen," "you're young, you won't have any trouble," etc, but I have had this nagging feeling since I was teenager that it would not be easy. I wish I could explain why, I also wish I was wrong.