An Up and a Down

The Up: Yesterday was a coworker's 50th birthday, so we all went out to a pub and enjoyed a few drinks and conversation last night. It was a really great time, and I'm so glad that I went. It was nice to hang out with friends, talk and get to know each other better. I stayed waaaaay later than I thought I would. I'm not very social, I get shy or feel insecure really easily so I don't usually put myself in awkward social situations, but I work with some great people, and I really needed it. I really needed to not go home to an empty house, not eat some prepackaged meal. It was just a lot of fun.

The Down: I went to dinner tonight at my friend's, the H family. They're also military and we knew them a little bit in NC. We all moved out here at the same time, and became close friends quickly. Well, it is the 3 year mark and that means we are all moving on and tonight was basically goodbye. And it really sucks. These aren't just friends, they're family, and I am really going to miss them. I'm sure we'll stay in touch, but we'll probably never live in the same place again. I'm just really sad that they're leaving and that we won't be a regular part of each others lives anymore. I know this is pretty typical of military life but that doesn't make it any easier to say goodbye.

More Research

Ever since Dr. A told me that late ovulation could be a fertility issue, and I looked it up, I've had this nagging feeling that maybe my older eggs had something to do with my blighted ovum. Tonight I did some more reading and here is what I found:

“What causes a blighted ovum? A blighted ovum is the cause of about 50% of first trimester miscarriages and is usually the result of chromosomal problems. A woman’s body recognizes abnormal chromosomes in a fetus and naturally does not try to continue the pregnancy because the fetus will not develop into a normal, healthy baby. This can be caused by abnormal cell division, or poor quality sperm or egg.” (americanpregnancy.org)

“Some research seems to indicate that a blighted ovum may be more common in older mothers and is usually a problem with the egg rather the sperm.” (misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com) 

While we'll never actually know what happened, and that's okay, it makes sense that it might have been my 21 day old egg that was the issue. Lovely. 

Appointment & Envy

The IF clinic actually called me yesterday because they had a few appointments open up on April 30th. I'm not really sure what will happen at this appointment. I'll probably have to reiterate my history, the m/c, my cycle, J's SA, etc. After that? I have no idea, but I am glad to have an appointment set. I really thought we'd have to wait until we'd moved, so hopefully we'll be able to get any testing, etc done before we head out of town. That way when we do get to our new post, we can kick things into gear!

E's u/s went really well, thankfully. Baby H-W measured at 13w5days and E got a cool pic too. It is so amazing. There really are no sad/jealous feelings on my end. I am truly happy that everything went well. I look forward to the day when it is me and J, because that will be a very good day. I know we will truly appreciate and be overjoyed to see a healthy, growing baby on that u/s screen. I just hope that day comes sooner rather than later.

In the meantime

I wait. 

I wait for the clinic to call. I wait for my husband to come home. I wait to find out where we go next. I wait for school to be done. I wait for friends to call back. I wait all alone. 

I am tremendously lonely, and the waiting doesn't help. I have stuff to do of course, but it is all mundane or annoying, and doesn't make me feel any better. I have made "dates" with friends, taken on extra duties at work, all to keep busy. Though in the end, I still come home to an empty house, an empty life. I feel like I am waiting for the next stage in my life to start and there is nothing I can do to move it along and that is both frustrating and depressing at the same time. We will be moving this summer, but the where to keeps changing so I can't even focus on that. I'm waiting for orders before anything is considered official. I'm trying to think ahead of what I can do once we know, but until then there is nothing I can do. So, I wait. 

Earlier tonight Dr. Seuss's Oh, the Places You'll Go came to mind and I had to reread it. Usually I'm inspired after reading it. Tonight I cried. Does that worry me? not really. I'm used to going through funks. It's genetic, and usually doesn't last too long, but I don't like feeling this way. I feel guilty because I know that others have life so much harder than I do. I am safe, I am not starved, I have a job, I have a home, I have my health, I have never been abused or mistreated, I have family and friends who care about me. I should and do feel extremely lucky for all of those things, and yet I am reminded of the study that was done on monkeys where they tested to see how important contact was. In a (cruel, but poignant) experiment, baby monkeys were given the choice between a cold, wire-mesh "monkey" that could feed them or a soft, warm "monkey" they could lay with. Do you know what they chose? The soft monkey, the babies would rather starve than give up the soft touch (for a more in-depth version click here). That story always haunts me, but even more so when J is gone. I crave contact, and I guess I feel that once it is not just me, maybe it won't be so bad. Trust me, there are many more (larger) reasons for us wanting to start a family, but knowing that it may take awhile or be more difficult than it should be is tough. 

I'm tired and rambling, so I guess I'll call it a night. E had her u/s yesterday, I think envy is a better descriptor than jealousy, but I'll save that for another day...

"And when you're in a Slump,

you're not in for much fun.

Un-slumping yourself 

is not easily done."

Dr. Seuss

Still Can't Believe It!

Introducing K's little boy, Joseph, also born March 4th!

Screeching Halt

After checking with Dr. A that my referral was in, I called the infertility clinic to make an appointment. They are so booked up that the earliest I could get in is May and that is so far out for them that they didn't even have the schedule built yet!!! So, I am on the waiting list, but I'm number three on the list- *great*! Well, I guess we can assume that I won't be getting KU anytime soon...

Becoming Informed

After my appointment with Dr. A yesterday, I (of course) had to do some research. I consider myself pretty informed, but I was under the impression that what CD a women O'd wasn't an issue as long as it was regular. Guess Dr. A is right to try and move things along:

"Anything more than 20 days and it is considered a late ovulation.  You can still get pregnant if you have late ovulations, although it can be more difficult. Since your uterine lining is shed and replaced during your period, a late ovulation means that the current lining is a bit too old.  This can make it harder for a fertilized egg to attach, although it doesn’t harm the baby if you do get pregnant.  It also means that the eggs that do travel to the uterus are not as fertile as they should be.  All of these factors can make it harder for you to have a baby if you have late ovulation, although it is not impossible." (from ovulationcalculator.org)

"Many women do get pregnant with late ovulations, but chances of getting pregnant are decreased. For one, the egg is not as good when you ovulate later in the cycle. A 'not good' egg is less likely to be fertilized and become an embryo. In addition, the lining of the uterus, the endometrium, is where the fertilized egg, the blastocyst, has to attach and implant. If the endometrium is too old, it is less likely to provide sufficient nutrition for the blastocyst, so implantation is decreased." (from www.medicinenet.com)

Umm, okay...

I met with Dr. A again today. He had wanted to meet with me after I ovulated, basically to see what CD that would be. He is concerned about my late ovulation (usually between CD21-24) and its implications on our fertility. That and J's not-so-great SA results. I thought we'd talk about a HSG or clomid, but no- Dr. A is scheduling me to see the RE about IUI! Umm, this is very different from the original plan. I was sort of shocked, and a bit confused. This is so not what I was expecting from this appointment. I actually feel like we might be rushing things, but at the same time I have someone willing to push things along, I feel like I should take advantage. I still have to meet with the RE and get his approval. Though, Dr. A was very convincing that this is the way to go. So, here we go?

Can't Believe It!!

Ok, so I just received this in a text message from my previously pregnant friend A:

Lillian, 9lbs 8oz, 22 in long born @1800 today

I cannot believe it, two (maybe three) of my friends had their babies on the same day! How crazy is that!! Wow...

Finally Here!

My friend BA was induced Monday night, but the little man took his sweet time and has finally arrived! Plus, there is a rumor on Fbook that K might have had her little boy too- I'm waiting on official word :)

Welcome Will!

Relief

That is what I am feeling right now. Relief that Baby P's EDD has come and gone. I did not fall apart, I did not bawl my eyes out. I wasn't sure how I was going to do. I'm relieved to feel like I can now look towards the future and stop dwelling on the past. I am ready to be excited about the next baby in our lives, whenever the time comes. I will always remember, but I am ready to stop being sad.