34 Weeks!

So I've been meaning to stop by this space and just say everything is looking good, but time has seriously flown by these last 2 months! I can hardly believe we are 34 weeks along today. It still seems surreal, oddly. Baby is still moving like crazy, and it took me forever to realize why I feel so much more with her than I did with Ally. Duh, Ally's placenta was anterior and it really did buffer way more than I realized. Now that I have someone to compare her to, I feel and see so much more movement from this babe. It's awesome! Part of the reason I have "just kept swimming" throughout this pregnancy is because J had been away since April 1st, and I've been solo parenting and having to deal with my crazy all by myself. Thankfully he is home safe now! Ally is very happy her playmate is home too :)
The crib and dresser have been delivered and set up, but there is still a TON to do before she arrives! Just about 6-7 weeks to go, eeek! Here's the latest belly pics, already two weeks ago, wow!

3D Baby!

We had the follow up u/s last week and we got to see Baby in 4D, and left with some neat 3D pictures. Baby is still a girl and she looked great :) All but one small cysts remains, phew. My next appt is in July, and it will already be time for the diabetes test- wow! Not looking forward to the sickly orange drink, but at the same time it's another milestone for me and Baby! (*Update: we passed!)

Baby at 22w4d

"Just Keep Swimming"

I think I've become Dori, her mantra gets repeated in my brain pretty regularly :) I'm just trucking along, trying to stay positive and enjoy feeling Baby move and become stronger every day. It's still hard to believe there is an actual living baby in my belly. I really never thought we'd get to this point (and beyond) ever again, but here we are past the halfway mark- I'll be 22w on Friday! Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

20w1d on 5/23/15

Baby Looks "Great" :)

We had the big anatomy scan this week and according to the doctor "Baby looks great." Phew, so relieved!! Everything looking good on the u/s, plus our negative Serum Integrated 2 results has let me and J breathe a sigh of relief. I feel like we've overcome some big statistical odds and are now into the "normal" realm- where if anything goes wrong from this point on, it's not because of us. I'm still trying to stay positive and not think about all the tragic possibilities that could still occur. Most days I win, but I'd be lying if I didn't have moments where fear takes over. I finally felt comfortable enough after the anatomy scan to announce the pregnancy on Fbook. A day later I shared the gender results :) Any guesses? (pics below) The u/s did show that the cysts are still there and are about the same size as the last scan, so I get to have another u/s on Jun 8, yahoo! (I'm sorry I ever cursed you cysts!)

We also had another big event last week- Ally turned 5 years old! I can hardly believe it. We celebrated with a trip to a nearby Great Wolf Lodge. All of the grandparents met us there, much to Ally's surprise :) It was especially awesome to have everyone there because J is away for work, and as my dad said "it's a good thing she has three grandpas worth of energy!" LOL, yes she is that energetic! We defintely had a lot of fun, and Ally did not want to leave. Not surprisingly, J now wants us to go again when he gets back- I know he feels like he missed out and wants to do something special with her while she is still our only "baby."

Ally has seemed to have taken to the idea of the Baby, and tells people that she is going to be a big sister. She asks when the baby will be ready to come out :) Today she sang to my belly and it was the sweetest thing- melt my heart!

Telling the "world" at 18w5d

Gender reveal at 19w0d

Yesterday's Checkup

So yesterday I had my first "official" OB appt at my new office. It was not with Dr. S but with Dr. J who is new to the practice. Fine with me since if I stay with them (that's another post) then I'd like to see them all more than once before delivery. This appt was a general "congrats, you're preggers and here is everything we want you to know" plus a physical and pap. Oh! And I got to hear baby's heartbeat over the doppler! Dr. J said my first round of bloodwork came back fine, and I had draws done for part 2 of the serum integrated test and toxoplasmosis (which I've never had since other docs haven't seemed concerned). Fingers crossed the tests come back normal! Dr. J also confirmed that the cysts look much better. She is not too concerned about them, and thinks that they will probably continue to shrink, though the tech will get images again at the next u/s. Which is the anatomy scan. Which is now less than 3 weeks away- eeek! As for baby, Dr. J was kind of vague, saying that everything looked okay but that the anatomy scan is the big one, and we'll find out then if there are any concerns. She mostly just reiterated that last Friday's u/s was to look at the cysts... She did however say that there were no images of the hematoma so assumes it is no longer there. So why did the tech ask me if I've had bleeding?!?!?! Deeeeeeep breaths. I'll just have to keep my anxiety down until the big u/s May 11th. Wish me luck with that!

Couldn't Wait

After writing my last post I decided I couldn't wait until next Tuesday for my u/s. It was less than a week away, but it felt too long. I was having too many anxious moments and tears over the possibility of another miscarriage, so I called on Wednesday and changed it to yesterday (Friday). Luckily I got in, unluckily there was no doc to talk to me after the u/s (since it was 4pm on a Friday), so I won't know if there were any red flags noted. The tech did say that my R ovary looks MUCH better (which I could tell myself from the images), and confirmed that there is a posterior placenta. However, she did ask me "hmm, are you having any bleeding?" To which I said "No. I know there's a hematoma but it I haven't seen any evidence of it lately" since it has been weeks since any brown spotting. She said nothing after that, just silence. Ugh. Here is why I hate this question: she couldn't have told me if something was wrong anyhow!! I'm hoping it was just her wondering if the hematoma was acting up, but of course I'm left trying to figure out why she would ask me that question!! Is the hematoma bigger? Is the placenta low-lying? Some other terrible circumstance that I get to wait on pins and needles to hear about? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Anyhow, baby was curled up pretty cozy, but I saw the heart beating right away and he/she moved a little bit. At least I remember his/her arm waving around a bit. The tech took a couple of heart ratings, I don't know why she took so many. The first was 170bpm, another 161bpm and the one she printed for me says 153bpm... Good rates I think, I just don't like that she had to check it so much. There was also a large mass that she seemed to have to maneuver around. It wasn't black so I'm pretty sure it wasn't the hematoma, but I'm not positive it was the placenta since I'm not that u/s savvy. I'm just going to hope it was the placenta and all looked good, though I won't know for sure until my appt with the doc on Tuesday. Fingers crossed...

15w0d

Second Trimester!

Sorry for the lack of updates, I've just been holding my breath over here...

It turns out that the hematoma and cysts may be a blessing in disguise since it has meant more u/s over the last few weeks. I had another on Feb 26 (7w6d) where baby measured right on track and we found that the hematoma had shrunk. Unfortunately the cysts were the same or bigger, and the doc was really thinking I'd be having surgery soon. Though at my next u/s Mar 23 (11w3d) a few of the cysts had shrunk and the largest was about the same, so we are at a "wait and see" on that front, and thankfully baby looked great. He/she measured a little ahead and was moving around, phew! I have had some brown spotting here-there and nearly lost it the first time, but after talking to the nurse realized it was probably from the hematoma and not to worry. 

Now I'm just twiddling my thumbs until my u/s next week. Ugh, it feels so far away! I'm toying with the idea of getting a doppler, just to ease my nerves until I feel baby move with regularity. I'm currently 14w2d, which is so hard to believe! I've had very few pregnancy symptoms this time, which I'm thankful for in general, but at the same time reassurance would be nice. I've actually felt more sick/nauseous the last couple of weeks than I have the whole 1st tri. I also had a fair bit of RLP, so I'm thinking maybe there was a growth spurt? I *think* I've felt baby moving a few times, but it is so fleeting I don't have enough time to analyze it so I'm not 100% positive. I just keep hoping that everything is going to work out well this time and that we will have a healthy baby this Fall, but there is just so much that could still go wrong...

Because Nothing Can Be Simple...

So about two weeks after I wrote my last post I ovulated, and I pretty much knew I would get pregnant. Our "timing" had been right even though we weren't particularly trying since we had only just gotten J's genetic test results back (J's test said he was normal, but I have yet to call and see just how in-depth the test we took really were, so I was/am leery of conceiving without PGD). Getting knocked up is not our problem, so I just knew. Sometimes it seems like we can't not get pregnant.

Anyhoo, I made it to 11dpo and I took a digital hpt, and it read "pregnant." On 13dpo I took a baseline CB digital with weeks estimator and it read "1-2weeks." I was able to get a beta at 14dpo and it was 116, a pretty good number in my book. My repeat was 488 at 17dpo, and I was relieved since if the number had been ambiguous I might have pulled my hair out. I kept begging the universe "please nothing ambiguous, let it either more than double or be falling. I want a black and white number, no grey!" Then my 2nd CB digital with weeks estimator read "3+weeks" a week earlier than I expected it to so I was pretty satistifed!

I had my first u/s last Friday at 6w0d (adjusted for ovulation- another older egg on CD19). Luckily the embryo made it to the uterus (yahoo!) and I saw its flicker as soon as the sac was located on the screen :) Heart rate was 113, which the doc was happy with since it was still so early. The C-R measurements read 5w6d/6w0d/6w1d, which lined up exactly with dating. Another relief. However things took a turn when the tech went to my R ovary. This wasn't my first rodeo, so I knew immediately something did not look right. Huge black spaces that were measuring 7/8/9cms. I have never seen such huge cysts in my ovary before, and there were a few of them. I knew I was right to be concerned when she went to my L ovary and it looked normal, with nothing measuring over 2cms. I love getting that sinking feeling in my gut. I met with my doc, another Dr. S, and he felt great about everything baby-wise, except oh wait, there was a subchorionic hematoma. Fun! Oh and those large cysts, which could cause torsion with extreme pain and immediate surgery. Lovely! All kinds of awesome news! So no sex, exercise or strenuous activity until my u/s next week.

Can nothing be simple? Seriously? It feels like a joke. Baby looked great, it made it to the right spot and seemed to be thriving, but I don't get to enjoy that because I have two new big worries. I refuse to google the hematoma because I know enough to be worried and I don't need to read the horror stories. Same for the cysts. I'm keeping tabs on every twinge and ache on my R side. Urrrrrgggghhhh. I could scream!! I'm trying to be optimistic, I really am. I have few to no symptoms, but I'm still hopeful. Especially given that this all reminiscent of what happened a year nearly to the day with the Turner's baby last February. We had doubling betas and a good 6w u/s with her, but everything still fell apart. There are no guarantees for us, but I'm really hoping for a happy ending this time...

Happy New Year

It is hard to believe it is the new year already. Hopefully 2015 is easier than 2014. Though I really can't complain, I have more than most...

Since I last posted:

1) I wrapped up my last school year teaching for the foreseeable future. I am so glad I went back last year for many reasons- mostly for my sanity, but it was eye opening being a teacher now that I am a parent. I have a refreshed outlook on being a SAHM, and have decided to homeschool given my renewed perspective on the educational system. Also, teaching/working and trying to be mom/wife was much harder than I thought it would be, even under the best possible circumstances. I also know myself a bit better and what I need as a SAHM. All good things.

2) We've moved across the country again (got to love the military!), and while I wouldn't choose to live in this part of the country voluntarily, we are a bit closer to family, and in the same time zone :) I have made a few friends through a Bunco group and a book club, so I feel lucky for that. The house is still not settled, but we're getting there, and since we just found out we're probably not moving again this summer it feels like we can make ourselves at home a bit more. We also very much like the neighborhood and general area of where we live.

3) I met with a new OBGYN here and had my chromosomes tested- everything came back "normal" for me. Yet, we had another chemical pregnancy around Thanksgiving. J had his test done before Xmas so we're still waiting to hear back. We do have a referral to see an RE, but since our insurance doesn't cover much of anything I'm not sure what our next steps will be. If J's test comes back "normal" then maybe we'll go in for a consult to see if there is a more complete/advanced genetics test we should have done. If it comes back "abnormal" I guess we'll go in to see what everything would entail and cost... (Update: J's genetic tests did come back normal, and I had an appt with the RE set but cancelled it since everything looked OK at the 6w u/s a few days prior)

Overall, I feel like everyday I'm more resigned to the fact that Ally will be an only child. A lot of the time I'm okay with that because it's easier. Easier financially since there will be no ART, and since the military is downsizing J's job is less secure. I'm also thinking it's mentally and physically easier to only have one. There are MANY days I think "how do people do this with more than one kid?!?" I can't even imagine being more worn-down or pulled in more directions than I already am. I'd probably be even more crazed and out of my mind! Then I have moments where the grief of it all just washes over me... and to think that there will not be another baby, that Ally will not have a sibling is just heartbreaking. Then I think, "well even if there was a sibling it doesn't mean that they'd get along or even like each other." I love my biological brother and my stepbrothers, but we're not particularly close. We really only talk when we see each other at the holidays. Maybe if we lived closer to one another, but I don't know, we're so different. Plus the age difference is getting wider and wider between Ally and any potential sibling. Every other vision I've had in my head about being an adult, being married, being a mom has been blown to bits, so it would probably be the same with my visions of a wonderful sibling relationship. Emotionally it's easier because hopefully then I/we can move past the losses and be free of it all. No more tracking ovulation, looking for any little symptoms, no more POAS. No more getting our hopes up- or feeling guilty that when I see those faint BFPs I think "oh geez, what's gonna happen this time? PLEASE don't be ectopic, please just be chemical. I really can't deal with an ectopic right now." No more comparing HPTs to each other day after day trying to analyze if the line is darker or not (PS: I have decided I'm only using digitals no earlier than 14dpo from now on... we'll see how I do with that). I know J wants another, and I do too but not like this. Not by possibly going broke trying, not with the heartbreak of more failure. I'd want at least two more if it were "easy" but for some reason that's not our path so I'm kinda done. I wish I could just close my eyes and will into being a healthy baby but I can't...