Sunday, January 4, 2015

Happy New Year

It is hard to believe it is the new year already. Hopefully 2015 is easier than 2014. Though I really can't complain, I have more than most...

Since I last posted:

1) I wrapped up my last school year teaching for the foreseeable future. I am so glad I went back last year for many reasons- mostly for my sanity, but it was eye opening being a teacher now that I am a parent. I have a refreshed outlook on being a SAHM, and have decided to homeschool given my renewed perspective on the educational system. Also, teaching/working and trying to be mom/wife was much harder than I thought it would be, even under the best possible circumstances. I also know myself a bit better and what I need as a SAHM. All good things.

2) We've moved across the country again (got to love the military!), and while I wouldn't choose to live in this part of the country voluntarily, we are a bit closer to family, and in the same time zone :) I have made a few friends through a Bunco group and a book club, so I feel lucky for that. The house is still not settled, but we're getting there, and since we just found out we're probably not moving again this summer it feels like we can make ourselves at home a bit more. We also very much like the neighborhood and general area of where we live.

3) I met with a new OBGYN here and had my chromosomes tested- everything came back "normal" for me. Yet, we had another chemical pregnancy around Thanksgiving. J had his test done before Xmas so we're still waiting to hear back. We do have a referral to see an RE, but since our insurance doesn't cover much of anything I'm not sure what our next steps will be. If J's test comes back "normal" then maybe we'll go in for a consult to see if there is a more complete/advanced genetics test we should have done. If it comes back "abnormal" I guess we'll go in to see what everything would entail and cost... (Update: J's genetic tests did come back normal, and I had an appt with the RE set but cancelled it since everything looked OK at the 6w u/s a few days prior)

Overall, I feel like everyday I'm more resigned to the fact that Ally will be an only child. A lot of the time I'm okay with that because it's easier. Easier financially since there will be no ART, and since the military is downsizing J's job is less secure. I'm also thinking it's mentally and physically easier to only have one. There are MANY days I think "how do people do this with more than one kid?!?" I can't even imagine being more worn-down or pulled in more directions than I already am. I'd probably be even more crazed and out of my mind! Then I have moments where the grief of it all just washes over me... and to think that there will not be another baby, that Ally will not have a sibling is just heartbreaking. Then I think, "well even if there was a sibling it doesn't mean that they'd get along or even like each other." I love my biological brother and my stepbrothers, but we're not particularly close. We really only talk when we see each other at the holidays. Maybe if we lived closer to one another, but I don't know, we're so different. Plus the age difference is getting wider and wider between Ally and any potential sibling. Every other vision I've had in my head about being an adult, being married, being a mom has been blown to bits, so it would probably be the same with my visions of a wonderful sibling relationship. Emotionally it's easier because hopefully then I/we can move past the losses and be free of it all. No more tracking ovulation, looking for any little symptoms, no more POAS. No more getting our hopes up- or feeling guilty that when I see those faint BFPs I think "oh geez, what's gonna happen this time? PLEASE don't be ectopic, please just be chemical. I really can't deal with an ectopic right now." No more comparing HPTs to each other day after day trying to analyze if the line is darker or not (PS: I have decided I'm only using digitals no earlier than 14dpo from now on... we'll see how I do with that). I know J wants another, and I do too but not like this. Not by possibly going broke trying, not with the heartbreak of more failure. I'd want at least two more if it were "easy" but for some reason that's not our path so I'm kinda done. I wish I could just close my eyes and will into being a healthy baby but I can't...

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