Silent Tears

The tears started flowing tonight. Long ago, when we found out Baby P's EDD, there was lots of talk about it. Our nephew's birthday is Mar 1 and my stepdad's Mar 3, so we were always hoping that Baby P would arrive on another day. I really wanted Baby P to be born in February. I used to joke that Baby P would hold out till the last minute and arrive close to midnight Feb 28th. So, here I am - 10:42pm on Feb 28th with Baby P obviously not arriving anytime soon. I feel so silly, but at the same time I just can't help it...

Waiting for the Phone Calls

Since my friends BA, K, A and I(me) all had EDD right around each other, it is just a matter of time now. BA was due today. She has been MIA on Facebook, so I'm wondering if she went into labor. K and I had the exact same EDD, but her baby boy has been riding really high, and my guess is he'll arrive later. A is scheduled for a C-section next week, but I have a feeling baby girl will arrive early. Guess I'll just have to wait and see!

I'm not sure how I'm feeling about all this right now. I have these moments where I wonder "would Baby P have arrived yet?" but (gladly) these aren't sad thoughts, just passing glimpses. Since the m/c, it feels like time has gone by slowly, but also very quickly. How strange.

Kinda running the gamut

My emotions have been all over the place this week. Sometimes I'm sad, sometimes hopeful, sometimes numb. I am having a numb moment. I'm looking forward to getting past Mar 1st. I'm hoping I'll pass through some imaginary finish-line where I can be over it all. I'll have hit that milestone, and be able to move on. Wouldn't that be great?

This past Saturday, I taught a Babysitters Training class for the first time since the m/c. The last time I was pg, and excited thinking J could try practicing on the equipment. I hadn't been able to teach the class since. Though I must admit that the day went much better than I thought. I thought it would be this big reminder, that it would make me feel sad talking about babies, but I was actually okay. Better than okay. As I sat there watching the instructional video review diapering, I thought "Someday, that will be me. Someday I'll be able to put all my mommy skills to good use." I caught myself being hopeful, which is an emotion I haven't felt in awhile. I had a glimpse of the day where I'd be done playing the "Would be" game and moving onto the "Someday" game. That would be wonderful. Though, I am not there yet- I would be 39weeks today...

Lonely.

I'm missing J terribly tonight. I wish he was here to hold on tight to. I'm hoping he is safe & sound, and I'm counting the days till he comes home.

Overemotional

I've been very overemotional lately and I'm beginning to figure out why:

1) Last week sometime I was talking with another teacher about how every night I have to convince myself that, yes I do have to go to work tomorrow. It feels like we should be on summer break already. Of course my teacher friend laughed and said I was really in trouble if I'm thinking it is summer! I laughed too, because it has been the strangest thing. Then, I started remembering- for an entire month last summer I was so excited knowing that my school year would be over by Feb Break... and here we are, but I'm not going anywhere. I know it was a long time ago, but I was so excited at the idea of being home with my baby and not having to go back to work, that I think my subconscious was having a hard time letting go of that notion. Plus, I haven't had that feeling since my revelation last week.

2) Baby P's EDD is around the corner, and it is more heart-wrenching than I thought. When I got my BFP, J brought home a bouquet of flowers and a teddy bear holding a baby bear rattle. We were both so happy. Then we had that sad 8 week u/s and the teddy bear was put away. Well, yesterday my mom sent me flowers and J sent me a Vermont Teddy Bear for Valentines Day, and the memories just came flooding back. I broke down crying. 

I'm crying now! See- way overemotional! I'm getting sick of it, but I can't help it at the same time. Knowing that J and I are losing most of this year because of his deployment is making me so crazed. I can't stand the thought that we will not be having a baby this year. We can't even try until Jul/Aug! I'm just sitting here, waiting around for what I want most in life, and I'm so sad knowing what would have been, but can never be...

I never thought...

... that by my 29th birthday I wouldn't yet be a mom.

Results

Dr. A called me yesterday saying that the CD3 blood work looked good and within normal limits. He told me to call him when the CBEFM indicates that I'll be ovulating to set up an appointment. I'm not sure for what. He mentioned taking vitals, though I don't understand why that would have to wait until I'm ovulating. I must have missed something. Hmm, guess I'll find out!

**** Results in Detail (updated 2/12) ****

LH = 3.38 

FSH = 5.82

TSH sensitive = 1.56

Prolactin TOT = 14.09

Updated Count

1. Good friend BA due with baby #1: Feb 26th
2. Good friend K due with baby #1: Mar 1st
3. Good friend A due with baby #3: Mar 3rd
4. Work friend T due with baby#1: May 19th
5. Work friend C due with baby #2: May 30th
6. Work friend A due with baby #2: Jun 30th
7. Cousin K due with baby #1: Aug 21st
8. Close work friend E due with baby #1: Sep 15th
9. Sister-in-law L due with baby #2: Sep 16th

Are You Kidding Me?!?

Guess what... come on, take a guess...

Yup, another pregnancy. That makes NINE!!! Are you kidding me?!?!

My sister-in-law called me tonight to tell me she is expecting. To say this baby is a surprise is an understatement. In fact, this pregnancy is so unplanned that my brother-in-law, R, is pissed. When L told him, he hung up on her. Their next conversation was a fight, with R yelling that he is "48 f*!#ing years old!" My SIL is going to be 37, and my nephew is almost 8... 

L seemed a bit hesitant to tell me because she knows about the m/c. She had already told my other SIL, K (38 and has been trying to get pg for 1.5 years), who was happy, but upset over the news. I told L that if she is happy, then I am happy for her. L is happy. It wasn't planned, but I know that deep down she really wanted another baby. 

So, there you go... unbelievable. 

CD 3 Blood Work

Since it was day 3 of my cycle, I headed to the lab right after school let out today. Hopefully, Dr. A will call me tomorrow or Friday with the results. Thankfully, I only needed to give one vial of blood and the tech was good at his job! 

Apparently, I have very small veins. This is something I learned after my m/c, as I went to the lab week after week until my hCG hit zero. In fact, today was the first time I'd been back to that lab since Sept. It was hard to remember that the first time I had blood drawn there was to confirm my pregnancy (I didn't actually believe the HPT, even the digital, I wanted medical proof). 

I also played the "Would Be" game while I was there: I would be 36w 1day pg, I would be seeing the doctor every week now, I would be wrapping up at school, I would have toured labor and delivery only a few floors up, etc, etc. Pathetic, I know. I can't help it, my brain just generates all these thoughts. I suppose I could try and start playing a new game, the "Someday I Will": get pregnant again, be excited about increasing betas, carry, deliver & bring home a healthy baby- game. 

It's just taking me time to get there...

Betrayed

My "ladies days" started today. Great. I'm thrilled, can't you tell?

I'm feeling a bit betrayed by my body this month. If I'd known I'd be O'ing on CD17, then J and I would have put in a real effort this month. Instead, I figured I'd O CD21-24, like usual. For some reason my body decided to whack-out this month. It doesn't make any sense!!! I truly think something is wrong with one of my ovaries. My right one O's CD21-24, my left one seems to either not O or O's earlier. That doesn't seem right to me. 

The only good thing about starting CD1 today is that at least I'll be able to hit the lab CD3 this month. I was afraid that I'd start Thursday or Friday and miss out on having my blood draws this month. Plus, I'll actually get to use the CBEFM that I paid good money for.

This trying to be positive thing is new territory for me, but I guess it can't hurt to try...