I think I'm going to be sick

My brother just called. My sister-in-law, S, is 7 weeks pregnant. You've got to be f*<#ing kidding me. 

Maybe someday I'll have the energy to explain why this is nauseating on a whole different level compared to any other PG announcement, but at the moment I can't see straight...

Still Sucks...

So I thought having 3 close friends all with EDDs within a week of mine (yes, we all got PG within the same week, now you see where my pessimism comes from) sucked. Then they all gave birth on March 4th, which was kind of neat. I was moving on, moving through it, healing as it were. 

What I didn't anticipate? The weekly Fbook updates.

I am genuinely happy for my friends, and am truly thankful their babies are all well and thriving. It just sucks, to be reminded. Still. Of what would have been. I am a complete whiner, I know. I need to get over it, I know. For the most part, I am. Though, I could really do without the constant reminders of what we don't have, but want more than anything else in the whole world.

Another Girl!

My pregnant friend count is shrinking! 

"Work friend T #1" had a daughter on May 20th at 9:16am. She weighed in at 9lbs 4oz and was 211/2" long!

The updated "Pregnant Friend" count:

1. Work friend A due with baby #2: Jun 30th
2. Cousin J due with baby #2: Aug 5th
3. Cousin K due with baby #1: Aug 21st
4. Close work friend E due with baby #1: Sep 15th
5. Sister-in-law L due with baby #2: Sep 26th

Quite a difference from a few months ago! There have been no recent PG announcements, which (selfishly) is good for my heart... it had been a rough couple of months there...

HSG here I come!

Per the RE's (Dr. C) instructions I called to make my HSG appointment today (CD 1). I was really hoping to get one next week and extend my long weekend, but alas the first available appointment was Jun 2nd. I also made my follow-up results appointment for Jun 10th. Glad that is all set up!

Alright, Tuesday Jun 2nd at 1pm I get to have contrast dye flushed through my lady parts. Fun! 

I know this is a requirement, and will probably yield some helpful information, but I'm also nervous. My SIL, K, just had one done, and they found a "tiny growth" that now needs attention. I am a total ostrich in the sand kind of gal. I'd really rather be blissfully unaware and not know anything is wrong with me. I know that could be completely detrimental to my health, and I need to get past it. I'm trying :)

**** Update 6/5: Everything with my SIL, K, looks good. She had a saline sonohysterogram (SSH- that's a new one to me) today and the doc didn't find anything of concern. Thank goodness! ****

Okay.

I can't believe how quickly this last year has gone by. Parts of it definitely felt slow... agonizingly slow, but it is almost 11 months since my BFP, and in some ways that feels impossible. How did that happen? And why do I feel like I haven't moved at all in that year? 

I do think that I have moved on from the m/c. I have moved on from the idea that I will have baby this year. I'm even beginning to wrap my head around the idea that I might not have a baby by the end of next year. Though I really hope that is not the case! 

Even with all of this "growth" I sometimes feel like I'm in a time warp- I can instantly take myself back to 6am June 25, 2008 and see that very faint plus sign. I can instantly take myself back to that horrid first u/s July 22nd. In those instances, it feels like time has stood still. Then I step away, and I'm like "why can't I just forget about it?" Almost a year I yell to myself, but sometimes it feels like yesterday...

An Outline

I've had all these thoughts floating through my head for the last few weeks, but they are so random I'm unsure about what to say. Sometimes what I'm feeling and thinking is so contradictory that even I'm confused! I can't guarantee that any of this will make sense, but I'm going with an outline just to get it out there:

• I'm feeling a little cheated. I am actually not referring to the m/c, at least not directly, but of my "innocence" as it were. I am hopeful that one day in the not too distant future I will get pregnant again, but when I do I will be fraught with nervousness. When I see those two lines, I'll never be blissfully happy and unaware of life's nasty side. It will be a constant struggle to not lose my mind with worry until I bring a healthy baby home (and I'll probably keep worry for another 70 years or so after that) and that makes me sad.

• My heart will never be the same after losing a baby that never was. It just won't. I lost a baby, that is part of me now, and I will always remember what might have been.

• Sometimes I feel guilty about the "other baby." About 5 minutes after our BFP, J and I started calling "it" Baby P, and after we found out that there would be no Baby P we just stopped using the name because "it" had never really existed (at least in my husband's mind). I saw those two sacs on the u/s screen, I physically m/c two possible babies, but never really "mourned" that second baby. Even on the rare occasion I play the "Would Be" game or think about the m/c, I still think Baby P- singular (see previous bullet). I feel guilty, like I didn't give that possible being its proper due. That probably doesn't make any sense at all, it might even sound crazy...

• I wonder if I'm making too big a deal of this getting pregnant stuff. Does it really matter if I O >CD20? What's two-four days? Yes, J had a really bleak SA almost a year ago, but the stats that came back on the frozen vials really aren't that bad... shouldn't we just be able to do this on our own? The answer is probably yes, because I did get pregnant. Granted, things didn't work out so well, but the egg was there, the sperm got there and did its job... isn't that good? On the flip side, I don't want to be naive. Others who look perfectly healthy and fertile on their medical charts can't get pregnant for some unexplained reason, so is it such a stretch for me to worry about J and myself? Especially given the info I've found about late O'ing and J having such random SA results? Ugh, I don't know what to think.

One Down!

"Work friend C #2" had a baby girl today at 9:06am. She's a healthy 8 lbs 3 oz and 20 inches in length! 

No Hormones Necessary!

Of course, when I checked my email today J had written me again- more that two words this time.

Can anyone say "crazy?" I can! I realize it is normal to be emotional during deployments. It is easy to get off-kilter when your other half is away for so long, but I sure do feel sorry for my husband if I ever have to take hormones for this getting pregnant business. I know myself and it wouldn't be pretty! 

Deployments Suck

I am really ready for J to come home. It has only been 3.5 months and he'll be home in about 2 more, which is not very long (especially in comparison to other military units that are gone 12+ months), but I'm hating every minute of it. I'm not sure why this one is so difficult, maybe because of where J is, or because he changed locations and has been incommunicado. He was finally able to call me last week, and he tells me that it'd be great if I sent more emails because he likes opening his mailbox and seeing one there since he is so far from home. I said I'd like that also since he's so far away from me too! It goes both ways. So, earlier in the week I sent a longish message and two days later got 4 sentences back. Okay, not a big deal. Then I write a really long message about my RE appt and a few other things including what meal choice he'd like for an upcoming wedding. J's reply:

Fillet Mignon.

That was it! Nothing else. Not even a "love you" thrown in. Wow. I'm going to assume he was very busy, even though he's always telling me how bored he his. I guess I'm just hurt, and lonely and I can't handle him being emotionally far away AND physically far away at the same time. This sucks.