I Made it Until Tuesday

I was able to hold out until yesterday to get my blood draw. I was hoping for a beta around 1400- that would have been doubling every 48 hours, with a few extra hours wiggle :) Well, Dr. S called today and told me it was at 2600 (22dpo)- wow! He is going to let me go in next Wednesday even though I'll only be a bit over 6 weeks at that point- there is no way I can wait until I'm 8+ weeks like a "normal" person. I need assurance that it is not ectopic, and would love to see at least a flicker of a heart by then... fingers still crossed.
I would love to be excited and optimistic about this one, but I'm just not there yet. Hopefully after next week's appointment I can let some of those positive feelings into my consciousness. Until then, I'm happy but super reserved. In some ways it just doesn't feel real yet.

48 Hours Later

It doubled, but I don't know the exact number because Dr. S didn't leave it on the voicemail :(  He just said "it went up a little more than double."  My little more than double guess would be around 360, so that's what I have in my mind (though I really hope it is closer to 400, just to be reassuringly doubled). Dr. S wants me to repeat "in about a week," but there is no way I will make it to next Wed/Thur, so I'm going to have a draw on Monday. I think I've earned the right to be a bit neurotic! I'd love to see a number around 1400 by then... Fingers still crossed!

Here We Go Again!

1st beta hCG today @ 15dpo = 176 

Fingers crossed to see at least 400 on Thursday...

Finally Over

After another u/s on Aug 9 confirmed that the sac was empty and that the EDD was off by 12 days, Dr. S gave me the option to schedule a d&c or wait two weeks to see if I m/c naturally. Since I had already m/c the twin pregnancy naturally I figured I would do the same this time. Of course this m/c seemed so different than the first. I had already started spotting in early Aug, then on Aug 11 I started having more of "period," so I figured the end must be near- unfortunately, no. I didn't actually m/c until the following Tuesday, and even then Wed & Thur were no picnic. It seemed with the twin pregnancy, I started bleeding, m/c, then went back to a normal period for a few days. Not this time! I didn't actually get back to "normal" until today. That is over a month of spotting/period. The weekend before I actually m/c I was soooo ready to go with a d&c- I just wanted it done with. Which is such a different mindset then the first time. Though I think I have figured out why: 1) the first time was more sad and the reality hadn't really hit me yet, 2) the irony that this was all happening five years nearly to the day of the twin pregnancy was getting to me, 3) this time I was more pissed than sad. Just straight up angry that I am going through this again, physically and emotionally. That we have been pregnant 4 times and only have 1 child. That I was naive enough to get my hopes up. I truly *felt* that this pregnancy was going to be okay. While I was nervous about another ectopic, I was pretty certain that the embryo made it to the right spot, and when I found out that it was in the ute I figured "okay, we're good!" We wouldn't possibly have another blighted ovum pregnancy, right?! Pffffff, silly me. I am so angry that we are once again robbed of the bliss that comes with seeing that BFP. I am not an optimistic person by nature, so this beating is just making things harder and harder. I am to a point that I really don't know when I 'll be ready to try again... I just can't take another m/c- physically and emotionally.

A New Saga

Where to start...? So, my last post was in November, and since then Ally & I survived our months without J while he was deployed. It was nice being near family (and not having to travel for the holidays!), but life is not complete without Daddy around so we were all happily reunited in mid-May. This of course meant another cross-country move. While moving is always stressful, it thankfully went well overall. We are still trying to get settled, but we like the house and where we are living.

Also, a series of events led to my decision to go back to teaching, and I'm excited to be going back to my old school! I am thankful to have been home with Ally her first 3 years, but it feels like time for a change. It's sure to be a major transition, and I'm trying to prep myself, but I know it will be more difficult than I can imagine at the moment.

The other big news is that I got a BFP on 7/13. At 11dpo, it was a faint but clear positive- which J saw too :) I was pretty sure I ovulated in my R side (which has been confirmed), so I was immediately concerned about another ectopic. Since we'd just moved to the area I didn't have a doctor yet, but was lucky to find someone who saw me pretty much right away. A few other practices wanted to wait until I was 8weeks- to which I said "you're crazy- with my history I am NOT waiting that long." Anyways, I saw my new OBGyn, Dr. S, on Jul 24 where I fell in love with him because he immediately did an u/s and put a standing order for my beta hCG into the lab :) The u/s showed a  small sac in the uterus. Which at just over 5 weeks, was all I was expecting- heck I just wanted to make sure it made it to the right spot! My beta that day was 1322- a respectable quant at just over 5weeks. However, my beta 48hrs later was only 1895. Whomp, whomp. So, Dr. S had me get another draw this past Tuesday- at apx 102hrs later my beta was 4000. A quant I described to J as enough to be encouraging, but not nearly enough to be reassuring.

Thankfully Dr. S had me go to the hospital for a thorough u/s, which I had today. Things did not appear to go well. The tech, K, was very nice, but of course didn't share much- other than I had very cooperative ovaries that she kept calling "show offs," which I guess is a good thing! K also didn't show me any images, and I've had enough of these done to know that is never a good sign. At 6.5 weeks along there should have been at least a flicker of a heartbeat, which I'm pretty sure K would have shared if she'd seen it. I did get K to tell me how far along the sac measured and she said just over 4weeks. Um, yeah that doesn't add up. And given my betas, it's looking like another blighted ovum pregnancy. Though to make things even more confusing, Dr. S called while I was writing this post and told me the report said I was measuring at 5weeks and the pregnancy looked viable- but it doesn't say WHY it looks viable. He asked if the tech showed me a heartbeat (I said "no"), because none is mentioned in the report- so he's as confused as I am! I remember getting a glimpse at the sac measuring 5w1d during the trans-abdominal portion of the u/s, but it was during the trans-vaginal portion that K said it was measuring at just over 4weeks. I also glimpsed quite a few "data out of range" messages on the screen while she was measuring- which makes sense if K inputed my info and I was suppose to be measuring at 6w6d (per my LMP). Another strange bit is that the report mentions I was bleeding a little, but I haven't detected that at all- and I've been checking! :) So where does this leave me? Dr. S said to take it easy and he'll do another u/s next Friday. Though I wouldn't be surprised if I start to m/c before then...

I am so sick of getting my hopes up, just to have them dashed down again.

Stupid EDD

Today would have been my EDD. I haven't really thought about it much, but it popped into my head yesterday and was on my mind a bit today. How very different life would be. Not necessarily better of course because I have so much to be thankful for- just different, but in the best possible way.

An ectopic is such a strange (for lack of a better term) way to "lose" a pregnancy in that your own health takes precedence. While logically you know there is no way an ectopic is viable, it is still the loss of what could have been. In such a short amount of time dreams were made, names were discussed (girl's name picked even). It was just enough time to get excited, and since we already have Ally it was easier to be optimistic right from the start; I kept thinking and telling J "our odds are good, we're 1:1." It sucks to have that optimism ripped away again, and our odds are even worse but for multiple reasons now.

The simple truth is, I'm sad about this loss and everything it means.

36 weeks

The "Would Be" game continues- I would be 36 weeks pregnant... Not gonna lie, I'm pretty bummed. Though I'm trying hard to play the "Someday" game too- Someday we will be a family of 4 (then 5, hopefully)...

BFN

BFN this morn at 14dpo, and my period started a few hours ago. I was a little hopeful, but not much so I'm not surprised. This does however mean definitely no baby next year, and most likely not until mid-2014 at the earliest. Ally will be 4 by then. I had hoped my children would be closer in age, but you can't always get what you want, and at this point I would just like another. I love Ally to bits, but I want more kids and I want her to have siblings.

Family Pics

We missed having Ally's 2yr studio pics done because she was in a mood and did not want to cooperate. at. all. Since we knew J was deploying soon, we did want some prof pics taken right before he left. Luckily an acquaintance from a few years ago (who was even more lovely than I remember!) made some time for us, and we got some great pics. So happy!

And...?

Sorry to leave you hanging- I know the whole world was waiting to find out what happened. haha.

The appt with the PA went well, she was kind of quick to brush off my concerns, but agreed to let me draw another beta, and also performed a full exam. I had told her I was having some left side/flank pain, and she was surprised to find a cyst on the left ovary. She was fairly certain it was just the corpus luteum from ovulation, but set up an u/s just to be sure. She was right and the cyst was gone when I had the u/s 4 days later. It was sort of odd that it was seemingly so late in my cycle to still have the cyst (CD 9), but it makes sense that my O date for the right side typically gets pushed back a few days compared to the left side. I had my beta drawn the same day as the u/s and my hCG was at 2. Apparently there is always some fluctuating 0-8ish amount of hCG floating around the (female?) system-interesting. I ovulated a few days later and am currently waiting to get my period. Though I'll probably POAS by Friday, just 'cause I'm a hpt glutton :)

Huh?

My beta yesterday was 7 and my period all but stopped. Not quite sure what to think of that. Obviously there is nothing viable going on, but I was shocked that the doc consulted (not my current doc) didn't want another draw. Her words "5 is negative, who ordered a 2nd draw?! 7 is negative, no more blood work." Ummm, I'm not a doctor, but I do know the <5 is considered the "not pregnant" mark. 7 means something is producing hCG, wouldn't she want to be sure that it's not an ectopic forming somewhere? or something else? I'm not saying I need a draw every day or anything, but I think it's important to check that the number goes back below 5 soon. Maybe she didn't know my history (I'm assuming not since it wasn't my doc's nurse following up because of the holiday), but it confirms the opinion of this doc that I formed years ago- which is that I don't like her :) I have an appt with a PA next Thursday, and I will be demanding requesting another draw. I need to follow up on this.

What the ...?

My hCG yesterday was 5. Still, the hpt I took yesterday was positive and more obvious then the one from the day before, but still ridiculously light- and I had started my period. I'd blame it on that batch of tests, but I used tests from different batches. I've taken enough tests over the last 4 years to know the difference between one line and two lines. I have a follow-up beta tomorrow just to be sure there isn't an ectopic forming.

Since my last hCG quant in April was 3, I'm thinking maybe this was a chemical pregnancy? And it takes longer for urine to filter out the hCG than blood? A non-pregnant women doesn't produce hCG, unless she has certain cancers... awesome bit of information for a hypochondriac like me.

The Fairest and Faintest BFP of Them All...

Yup, it's there- I think. A second line so faint I'm half convinced I'm seeing things (hysterical pregnancy maybe?). Not an encouraging sight considering it is much lighter than the line I had with the ectopic this Spring. At 14DPO I should have a much stronger positive. I do not have a good feeling about this.

We also just moved back to my hometown and are in the middle of changing insurance plans and finding docs- prefect timing to need a STAT beta! Luckily, I called the office I used to go to here and a nurse called me right back. After listening to my recent history she ordered a blood draw, which I'll get done when the lab opens in the morning- and which I'll probably be paying out of pocket for. Though I really don't care about the cost. I just need to know where we are at, and think positive, doubling thoughts over the next few days... I kind of hope I'm crazy, and they'll laugh me and my made-up HPT out of the office :)

The Two Week Wait

Ahhh, the 2ww. Such good times! Since I am an overeager tester, I'm sure I'll only make it about 10 days :)

I had so strongly convinced myself that I was pg last month I was actually hoping it wasn't true since I now fear another ectopic. Sounds ridiculous- not the fear part, I think that's pretty normal. I mean the crazy "you're pregnant," "but, no wait I'm scared and I don't want to be" thoughts. It was an interesting inner struggle.

The hypochondriac side of my brain thinks that maybe the ectopic happened for a reason, because there is something bigger and scarier going on with my health that has yet to be discovered. Yes, I'm a nutcase; I completely cop to that fact. The more rational side of my brain knows that the endo caused the ectopic, and that's it. The problem with this rationale is that my instincts are usually right, about 50% of the time :) So, I'm waiting on more than a BFP. I'm waiting to see if the strange pangs, tingles, lumps and bumps I experience throughout my body are a sign of something even bigger to overcome.  Knowing my luck so far, we'll get pg just to find out it needs to be terminated since I'll need chemo or something.

Oh, how I wish I was naturally one of those positive, happy people. Life from that angle must be so nice...

Where We're At

Thankfully it has been a pretty uneventful couple of months. It is ridiculously hot where we are living now, though we are moving in a month and looking forward to a reprieve (that and a more distinct change of seasons)! I've been on the pill to allow the Metho a few months to "wash out" of my system. Since there are no good studies on how much time is necessary/safe between pregnancies, we were going with the 6 months range. Though I have not liked being on it this time round- I seem to notice how the hormones affect my body more so, even though it's the same pill I was on for years previously. I'm not sure if it's age, paranoia or being more in-tune with my body... probably paranoia :) So, we've decided that I'm not going to start a new pack this month. I was originally going to stay on it through July, possibly August, but I'm done. I suppose I'm also being impatient! I had my folate checked and the number was really high (around 20)- though it was only a floating folate and not a true red blood cell test. We're just hoping it's enough and that if I do happen to get pregnant, the high levels floating around will balance out any possible deficiency caused by the Metho. Optimism is not my strong suit, but it's my only hope at this point.

Speaking of possibly getting pregnant, J and I had a consult with an RE, Dr. K, this past Friday. After looking at our histories and doing the preliminary u/s, Dr. K suggested trying IUI first (I can't remember if he meant adding Clomid, etc too or natural), for a few cycles, then moving on to IVF, if we were so inclined. Or skipping IUI and going right to IVF since it yields better results. Typical RE response I suppose. Though he did seem conservative, in that as long as J's SA came back okay, trying 4-6 months naturally seemed like a good idea, then moving onto IUI. He also was very clear that IUIs are carefully monitored, and that they do not transfer more than 2 embryos during IVF, etc.

We are awaiting J's SA results (which have been varied in the past), and Dr. K wants me to repeat my Day 3 blood work, and get my progesterone level on Day 21 (which I don't think I've had done before). Dr. K also mentioned that everything looked good at my u/s and that I had lots of follicles, so that was reassuring. So, as long as J's results are pretty good, we're going to try naturally in July and Aug- maybe Sept if we're able to (since J may already be gone). Then we're thinking of going with IUI while he's away. If we don't get pregnant, then when he gets home we'll explore IVF. Though J seemed like he was ready to go ahead with IVF- I guess I'm not the only impatient one :) We have another consult with a different clinic on the 18th, though we might cancel it if we feel comfortable with this plan. Not sure what we're going to do yet...

And since I promised these months ago, a few shots of our adorable 2 year old!

What Now?

It has been over a month since my emergency surgery, and thankfully I am healed physically and feeling emotionally okay. It all seems so surreal, but I have the scars to prove it.

At my post surgery follow-up, Dr. E did a run-of-the-mill check of my metal and physical state, then reviewed the surgery pictures with me. Turns out that "something" Dr. E mentioned to J about my ovary is Endometriosis. Probably Stage 3-4 Endo. While it could still impede my fertility, it looks confined to the right side (ovary, outer uterus, the tube that ruptured). There is quite a bit of scarring, and so far the intestines are not adhered to the ovary, but they're "sticking" together a bit. Luckily the liver didn't appear to be involved. I don't remember exactly everything Dr. E said, and since she wasn't in there to do a lot of exploring she just has a basic idea of the situation. I'm thinking it is more Stage 4 considering the rectal pain I have during ovulation and menstruation. We're going to leave well enough alone at this point, and feel that the endo explains the blockage (and also why right side ovulation is more painful for me). However, I am going to see a couple of REs to get some opinions on what our next steps might be.

I also asked Dr. E what she think happened- why did it keep growing? She honestly had no answers. She told me that she contacted other docs, including a highly regarded mentor, who were all at a loss. It just didn't make sense that my hCG was decreasing but that the embryo/sac grew. No one had ever heard of such a thing happening before. Dr. E was clearly apologetic and sympathetic. She asked herself if she would have done anything differently, she asked her colleagues if she should have done anything differently, and the answer was 'no.' Everything appeared to be on track with no red flags of concern. For whatever reason, it just happened. It was an extreme anomaly.

I was a bit pissed that none of my previous GYNs has ever suspected endo, considering the painful ovulation and rectal pain I experience, but then I realized I've been on the pill most of my adult life- from the ages of 18 to 28 with only a few windows of time when I wasn't on it. It wasn't enough time to for a puzzle to appear. Then I became an army patient without the benefit of a stable provider who gets to know me and my history, so the pieces were never put together. I still think the RE I saw in WA should have been more concerned about my HSG results. Oh well, can't go back in time and do anything differently.

The other loose end is how long to wait until trying again. I had a blood draw done after the follow-up appt and my hCG level was a 3, and I'm pretty sure I ovulated the next day (which is confirmed by starting my period 15 days later, per usual). Dr. E left the decision to me, but after I learned more about MTX and how it cannibalizes the body's folate (extremely important for a developing baby), and given that I had two rounds of the stuff, J & I decided to be conservative and wait the 6 months. Which means we *might* have one chance before he deploys and is gone for 10 months. In the meantime, I went back on the pill for safety's sake. I'm hoping there will be some added benefit of keeping the endo in check, but probably not since it's only for a few months (I'm thinking being on the pill those 10 years might have been keeping it in check during that time). We'll see what the REs think too.

Now I'm dealing with the idea that there will be no baby this year, probably no baby next year and possibly not even the year after. I've been playing the 'Would be' game again... I would be 15 weeks along. My attempts at optimism are feeble ;)

Though I have so much to be thankful for- Ally's 2nd birthday was last week. Unbelievable! And I relished Mother's Day this year with my little lady. I am so lucky. Hopefully I will have pictures up soon to share!

Rupture

Right tubal rupture- good times! For whatever reason, after two rounds of Methotrexate my 1cm sized embryo grew to 5cm, even with a falling hCG. My beta last Friday was 3900, not a big decline from the week before, but not concerning, and my level yesterday at the ER was 1800- a nice big jump. Yet it kept growing...

Around 11pm Wednesday night I felt some left side aching in my back which spread to the right side. It became a bit strong so I took some extra strength Tylenol and gave myself two hours. I was worried about kidney stones since that's where the pain seemed to be emanating from, though the pain did eventually move to my right front pelvic region. A rupture never crossed my mind since my levels were dropping and we caught the ectopic at 6weeks- nearly five weeks ago (and since I was still getting a period I didn't notice that it had become more like real blood until later). By 1am I told J we should to go to the ER, so he called on a friend to stay at the house with Ally sleeping. 

Luckily this time the ER was empty so I was seen almost immediately. Same doc too, Dr. L- I doubt I'll forget his name now! Dr. L talked to us, did a belly exam and really wasn't sure what was going on, but did want to start me on pain meds, get a blood draw and urine sample. I was given Zofran to help with the nausea from the pain and the meds I was going to get. I don't remember exactly what I got- hydro.codon maybe? It took awhile for that to kick in, but definitely helped once it did, though I was still feeling a dull bit of pain. Lab came back with nothing of concern and an hCG of 1800. 

I'm not sure if Dr. L is just conservative in his care or cost, but he mentioned getting the pain under control then having me follow up with Dr. E. To which I thought "hell no." I told him I wanted to find out why I was in pain in the first place. So he decided on a CT scan since that would show stones, ovarian cysts, etc. Good thing I advocated for more info since the CT showed the rupture. Within an hour IVs and oxygen were started, and Dr. E and a team were there to get me into surgery. It all went pretty quickly, and everyone who took care of me was very nice. I was wheeled into Surgery, thinking "I haven't had real surgery since I was 3 years old." Pretty good run, I think :) Last thing I remember was the nurse anesthetist saying she'd be putting me to sleep... and I woke up 2 hours later in recovery. I had told Dr. E to take the tube no matter what, which she did, though thankfully that was all that was removed. She gave J pics from the surgery (!!!) and told me we'd go over them at my follow up appointment. She said something about my right ovary, though J doesn't remember what exactly, but didn't think Dr. E was overly concerned about it. So I'm thinking PCOS or Endo? Dr. E also said the left side looked great- thank goodness!

We were fortunate one of our sitters was able to be with Ally all day, and my mom was able to fly in last night- yay! That's one of the biggest draw backs about military living- the usual family support system isn't there. Though since we're all in the same boat military friends are there in a pinch :) I'm thankful this all happened at what turned out to be a convenient time- not sure what I would have done if J had been at class, unreachable, and I was alone with Ally. Not a good scenario. I'm also glad I went with my instincts, even though I was wrong about the cause I knew I needed ER care and that J needed to be with me. 

I was home a few hours after waking up in recovery, and have been resting in bed. J took care of everything before my mom got here. We'd both been up over 24 hours by the time we got home at 11am yesterday and there was a lot to do. And lest we forget when all this occurred: it fell on our 5 year wedding anniversary. All the nurses "awwww"-ed when they were wheeling me out and I said "happy anniversary" to J. Good times, indeed.

So Far, So Good

I had my 3rd hCG draw and a follow-up with Dr. E on 3/23. Thankfully my quant decreased from apx 10,000 to 6,000, and my last draw this past Friday 3/30 was apx 4,500.

At the appt with Dr. E on the 23rd I talked to her about what comes next, assuming the ectopic is taken care of, and her response was quite different from Dr. P's (whom I saw 3/16 since Dr. E was out of town). She felt that waiting 4-6 months was more appropriate since there are no good studies that show when it is safe to get pregnant after Metho. Whereas Dr. P said the drug is out of the system within a week, and the advice is to wait a cycle or two after the hCG comes back to normal just like any miscarriage (so apx 3 months). Hmmmm. Plus, Dr. P thought removing the tube and taking it out of the equation made sense, and has done so before, but Dr. E was hesitant about that idea and wants to do more research... I guess I appreciate Dr. E's conservatism, but at the same time I would have love some consensus so I don't feel like I'm floating out it no-man's land. I like a plan, and right now I have nothing.

Fingers crossed my quant this Friday is < 2,500!

Round Two

Unfortuntely, my hCG did not decline as much as Doc hoped, and Dr. P also thinks the embryo was pushed out of the tube given the pain I was in last Tuesday, so I was given another dose of the Methotrexate. That was Friday and luckily the side effects haven't been as bad as I feared they might be. Still have a few things to discuss with the Dr, but I'm just really hoping my hCG on Friday will be low enough that Dr. E says everything is taken care of... Fingers crossed. My period stared today, so that gives me hope the hCG is going down. I just want this over with.

It's Only Wednesday?

It has been a long 5 days so far...

On Saturday I was feeling some more Corpus Luteum cyst pain (or so I thought) around noon, and had to ask J to take over Ally duty. It was a bit more intense then earlier in the week, but not the hunched over, can't breathe kind of pain you hear about with ectopic pregnancies. I called the triage nurse line around 2:30pm, and she advised me to go to the ER (of course) even though by then I was feeling much better. I was going to wait and see if the pain became worse again before shlepping to the ER if I could- except I went to the bathroom after hanging up with the RN and wiped what appeared to be the start of a period. So, I got my purse and told J I was off to the ER. I figured even if it was cyst pain I could get peace of mind, and if it was the start of a m/c I might get help or an idea of what was happening.

I walked into our small town ER, which didn't appear to be busy and was triaged and registered. I should have told them I was in more pain than I really was since it took over FOUR hours for me to be seen. Granted an ambulance and a helicopter (!!!) emergency came in, but wow it was ridiculous. I kept giving myself timelines, like "I'll only stay an hour" or "I'll wait until 5:30" then "I'll wait a half hour more" because while I was there my pain had gone down to nearly zero, and I hated being around all these contagious people who didn't know how to cover their mouths/noses! Yuck! But around 6pm I felt a "tug," kind of like how it felt before my water broke with Ally, so I tracked down a nurse (there was no one manning the ER, you press a button to be let into triage- ridiculous!) and emotionally asked her for a pad because I was sure the blood would start flowing. In actuality, there wasn't much of anything, but luckily the nurse must have asked if I could at least get my labs started. After I got back from the lab is when the helicopter came in and I thought "I'm leaving!" But, I guess I knew something wasn't right and I stayed.

I was finally brought back into the ER at 7:30pm, the nurse had me undress and the Dr introduced himself (though for the life of me I cannot remember his name) and gave me a plan of action, starting with the physical exam. He had barely started when he stopped, which scared me, but then he said my cervix was closed and there was no active bleeding. He was hesitant to order an u/s because of his findings and the fact that I was in little pain, but I think he saw the look on my face and decided to go ahead with it. I had to wait over an hour for the u/s since they don't keep techs in-house due to expense. So, the on-call tech came in and took me to radiology. She was very nice, but didn't give me much indication about what she was seeing (obviously). As soon as she brought me back to the ER the Dr told me they had to wait on the official report but that the tech informed him that the pregnancy was tubal. He was very sympathetic, and I think he was waiting for me to breakdown, which didn't really happen. He told me some possible treatment options, but they had to wait for the official report, then the on-call OB who would then come in and talk to me. For some reason in took over an hour for the report and a bit longer for the OB. During that time I was pretty much left alone, which was fine with me, and I went from scared of having surgery, to sad for the loss, to concern about TTC in the future.

The on-call OB, Dr. E, was great and I felt comfortable with her right away. She basically told me I was very lucky to come in when I did (and patiently wait to be seen!) since I was only 6w along and could be given Methotrexate to end the pregnancy. She went over the risks, etc, but I felt comfortable with the decision to go ahead. I guess the meds are called for when the pregnancy is under 4cm and mine was measuring an 1cm, so I am keeping my fingers crossed that I will not need a repeat dose. I was finally discharged at 12:30am Sunday with jokes from the RN about my 9 hour visit to a bumpkin ER, and was sooooo glad to get home. All I wanted to do was shower and get into bed.

I have purposely stayed away from googling Methotrexate because I got the impression it is very powerful stuff, since Dr. E wore a gown and gloves to administer the injection and no one else was in the room, and the info I was given at the ER. The little bit I have read is enough to keep me away. I am very susceptible to psychosomatic illness, etc and I'm trying to keep myself calm about this stuff.

I was feeling okay on Sunday, but woke up Monday with pelvic pain, nausea and feeling faint. I spent a little time lying on the bathroom floor since I didn't want to pass out. I am so lucky Ally is an easy going girl because it took me a long time to get her from her crib. I felt better as the day went on, but not great. Tuesday started okay, but I barely made it home after my hCG draw and a quick trip to the grocery store. I was in pain and feeling nauseous again. Our lovely sitter stayed for a few more hours while I lied in bed breathing through the pain. She gave Ally lunch and put her down for her nap, then locked the door behind her. I felt so lucky she was here since I would have been useless to Ally. J was also able to get home a little earlier, thankfully. TMI alert- I'm going to share this bit in case someone else is going through the same thing: One of the other side effects I've had is bathroom issues; it hurt to use the bathroom. Either the meds stopped me up or the pain led to me holding it too long, but I've had to take Colace to help things along. Needless to say, Tuesday was a long day.

Today has been okay, though I've had the mild abdominal cramping I was warned about on the ER info sheet. I'll take it over the pelvic pain, nausea though. I'm really looking forward to feeling better soon. I have another hCG draw Friday, with an OB appt that day to get the results. Fingers crossed for the proper decrease in hCG because I really don't want another week of poison coursing through my veins. I'd really appreciate this all working out in the best case scenario. No second dose, no more ER visits, no surgery, etc. I'd be so thankful for that... Fingers crossed.

Not a Total Nutcase Afterall...

Ectopic.

Nervous Once More...

So, I'm not really sure why I've been hesitant to post since sharing the news that I'm PG, other than I am so scared that it won't last... To prove that I am not a total nutcase here is why I am nervous:

1) I ovulated CD19, and an oldish egg doesn't bode well (the twins' egg was a CD21 release).

2) I POAS at 12dpo and thought just maaaaybeeee there was a positive line, though it was so nearly invisible it kind of came and went depending on how I tilted the stick. I POAS the next day, and basically saw the same thing- a nearly invisible, almost-line that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me, so I dismissed the idea that these tests were positive. Even though Ally's 13dpo positive was light, it was there.

3) When I tested the next day, Sunday, at 14dpo I finally saw an actual positive, but it was still so much lighter than Ally's. Can you even see it in the pic?

I proceeded to test every morning and night for the next week. Yes, you read that correctly- not helping my total nutcase defense, I know :) The good news was that the tests seem to be darker at night, however they weren't getting any darker compared to each other. Not.at.all. I thought for sure my period would show up any day- or worse, it's ectopic. (The positive line did eventually darken by the next Sunday, but it just feels like it took too long to show anything remarkable.)

4) That first true BFP was Sunday, on Wednesday I received a few of these bad boys, and tested that night. The 25miu/ml and the 100miu/ml strips were visible, but the 500miu/ml was barely a shadow. I literally had to use a magnifying class to see it. This was not encouraging news at 16dpo. When I took another Detect5 test a week later, this past Wednesday, 25-500miu/ml showed up well, but nothing discernible at 2000miu/ml. Maybe an incredibly faint line, but even the magnifying glass didn't help much. There was a shadow of a line at 10000miu/ml though, which is confusing; This test does seem to give many testers extremely light results so I'll be testing with my last one this weekend, and will hopefully see more definitive results.

6) I felt strong Corpus Luteum cyst pain on Tuesday, which I've never experienced before. And while I know it's common, reading online that if it bursts and you don't supplement with progesterone the pregnancy may not survive. Awesome.

7) Lastly is that I have basically zero symptoms. Like the twins' pregnancy where you'd think I'd have had something with my hCG levels being pretty high, I don't really have any PG symptoms. With Ally it wasn't much but they were there. All I have had is a cramp/heavy feeling a few times, and a heightened sense of smell. I'm tired, but I'm always tired. I had a moody moment, but it was durning a spat with J and justified. My bo.obs tingle here and there, but I've have that since Ally was born. I know that there usually isn't much in the way of symptoms early on, but I'm entering 6weeks and there is nothing remarkable to hang my hopes on. I should be grateful for lack of uncomfortable symptoms, but I'd be okay with a little indication from my body that things are on track. And most worrisome, I spotted the other day, pink/red spotting.

So, now I'm waiting once more... for the other shoe to drop.

Catching Up :)

Well, it has been awhile- like a year and a half! First I suppose a little catch up is in order :)
Ally will be two-years-old in just 62 days and that seems impossible. Though I look at her baby pictures and I can hardly remember her being so small, and with dark hair!

Here are a few Ally pics from the last 1 1/2 years:

                               6 months ~ Nov 2010

                                  1 year ~ May 2011

18 months ~ Nov 2011

                                        Jan and Feb 2012

Wow, she really has changed! Ally has such a little personality. She has this cute giggle, silly laugh, gets into everything, and loves dancing, climbing, being chased and dragging mommy everywhere! We still feel extremely lucky with this little lady!

Adjusting to life as a SAHM has taken a lot more time than I anticipated though. I was feeling great about it during those early months, for the first year really- there was no way I could imagine teaching full-time with a baby. But as Ally grows older, more independent and has settled into a routine, the monotony can became overbearing! I know there are many moms who wish they could stay home with their child/ren, and I totally get it, but man did I go through some dark days. I started seeing a counselor and that has helped a lot. I've also started taking a sign language class, since teaching Ally baby signs really piqued my interest. I guess I just needed a bit of my own life back :)

Another big change was our move from GA to KS this past July- and we will be moving again this August... good times! KS has been good so far, though it was so hot this summer and the winter has been sooo mild I feel like we never left GA. I am also dreading tornado season- I am so scared! And while J is busy with work and classes, he is home so I can't complain!

In short we are all well, happy and healthy- definitely can't complain about that, and we are very thankful for how life has treated us!!

Though the biggest event of 2012 so far:

EDD Nov 1, 2012

Radio Silent

So, since I am not able to find the time to keep this blog up-to-date, I've decided it's time to shut her down. For now. I'm sure the time will come again when I need to vent/chronicle my life- much to the boredom of anyone who may stumble across my ramblings ;o) Thanks to those of you who have sweetly checked in from time to time- I look forward to when I'm able to keep up with all the blogs again sometime soon! ~ Take care, A

Ummm, Yea...

Time is seriously going lightening fast. I barely even have time to read blogs, let alone write one! How do other people do it??? I want to know their secret! I seem to have very little "baby-free" time to do anything for myself, which is not a complaint, but when I do get a little time I usually spend it sitting mindlessly watching TV or showering :o) I'd love to say that I squeeze every second out of every moment by actually getting anything done, but in truth my time is spent with Ally and it flies by! Maybe you'll forgive me if I post a video of our little cutie :o)

3 Months!

Our little lady is already 3 months old! How did that happen?!? Ally is getting so big- trying to sit up on her own (she does pretty well with our help) and starting to giggle! Ally had professional pictures taken yesterday and we got some adorable pics until little Miss started to meltdown (she was soooo tired since she'd skipped her morning nap, again!). Oh well, such is life with a baby!

How cute is she!!!


12 Weeks


10 Weeks

Still Reading!

Even though I'm not able to write lately, I do stop by and see how others are doing- thank you iPhone! I'll probably continue my hiatus, but I've found a minute while Ally naps to update :o) Ally is 13 weeks old tonight, which seems impossible! I also fully admit to not putting Ally down long enough to type something up! She's just so darn cute I can't help but snuggle her all day long! Laundry? Dishes? They'll still be there tomorrow, but our little girl is growing right before our eyes and we're busy watching it happen! I am extremely thankful that I am able to be with her all day. Ally is making all kinds of fun sounds, getting louder and generally finding her voice. She's grabbing at things and likes holding onto the burp cloth or her bib or your shirt- whatever she happens to come across and then putting it into her mouth ;o) There has even been a little hair pulling! She is very observant- looking around soaking it all in, and she loves looking at your face, "talking" and smiling at you. She's all smiles when I peek into her co-sleeper and she's also starting some big-girl-baby things like holding her ear or twirling her hair when she's feeding. Melts my heart! Ally's alter ego is affectionately known as "The Milk-Monster." When she gets hungry, watch out! When she is stopped to be burped, you better cover your ears! Other than that, she is such a good girl and we count ourselves very lucky! Even though it has only been three short months since her birth, J & I look back at Ally's first pictures with awe- was she really ever that little?!?! Time really is flying by...

Would you be able to put that sweet angel down? I don't think so!


Love the leggings and that cute face!

2 Months!!

Umm, how the h-e-l-l is it July already??!! I wish I had more time to write, but pics will have to do :o)

1 Month Old!

Holy crap time is flying by...

Still Here

I'm still here, everyone is good- just very tired and adjusting to our new life! My DH was home for a week, and then my mom has been here for this week, but I'm on my own starting Monday and I am scared out of my mind! Wish us luck!

Waiting No Longer!

Alexandria was born Wednesday night at 10:11pm! She weighed 7lbs 13oz, is 20.5in long and has a full head of hair- which is the big shocker since J and I had blond wisps at birth! We are all doing well, exhausted, but well...

5/5/10

40 Week Belly!!!

Hard to believe the shirt and pj bottoms still fit (barely!), but here we are at 40 weeks! Do you think Baby has dropped any compared to the 38 week pic??

Due Date, Shmoo Date!

It's Baby's "due date." Today is the estimated day Baby would be born if we were taken out of a textbook scenario :o)

We had our 40w appointment today and Baby's heartbeat sounded great. We're measuring on track and the midwife did a cervical check. I, however, asked not to be told where we are at since it doesn't mean jack- there is no way to predict when Baby will make her grand entrance, only she knows when she's ready! If for some reason Baby still hasn't arrived by our appointment next Wednesday then we'll talk about intervening, but there is no rush since Baby appears to be just fine.

39 Week Update

How far along? 39w 1d

Total weight gain? apx 27lbs

Maternity clothes? Oh yea!

Stretch marks? Added a few more to the belly this week. Oh well, they will fade... eventually!

Sleep? Oddly, I've been sleeping better lately. Deeper sleep at least.

Food cravings? Still nothing.

Belly button? Almost all the way out.

Gender? Girl.

Labor signs? Nothing so far.

Best moment this week? Continuing to feel Baby move around. She has the hiccups about twice a day. So funny!

What I miss most? Being able to lie on my back ;o)

What I look forward to? An easy labor- hey, a girl can dream!!

Milestones? Getting closer to meeting Baby!

39 weeks

38 Week Belly

Still feeling really well. The only pregnancy hiccup I may have to deal with is gingivitis, I have a dentist appoint on Monday because my gums are bothering me, but if that's all I have to contend with I'll take it!

Baby sounded good at our 38w appointment yesterday and the belly was even measuring a little ahead. Oh! And I actually lost a pound from last week- must have been ditching all that Easter candy we had in the house!

Here's the belly in all its glory at 38w2d :o)

37 Week Update

How far along? 37w 1d

Total weight gain? apx 25lbs

Maternity clothes? Absolutely, even had to go buy more t-shirts since Mother Nature turned up the heat on us last week (umm, Mother Nature why is it 90 the first week of April?!?).

Stretch marks? A few, not too bad so far.

Sleep? Not great. I'm usually up every hour or so to pee.

Food cravings? None really, but man did I eat a LOT of Easter candy this week!

Belly button? Slowly making its way out.

Gender? Girl. Unless Baby plans on surprising us!

Labor signs? None so far.

Best moment this week? Just continuing to feel Baby move around :o)

What I miss most? Being able to sleep on my back or get into a really comfy position at night.

What I look forward to? Meeting Baby.

Milestones? We're basically full-term and I'm just so grateful we've made it to this point.

On a sad note, we found out this week that a couple from our birthing class had their baby boy March 23 but that he passed away April 1. The pregnancy went great, no complications and baby was full term, but he was in respiratory distress at birth. He was diagnosed with lactic acidosis (his body couldn't breakdown glucose, a fatal genetic glitch), and spent his short life in the NICU before his little heart gave out... My heart breaks for this family, I just don't even know how I would make it through what they are enduring...

36 Weeks

How is it possible that we will be having a baby in apx 4 weeks??!! Time is flying by and it's getting a little scary! Everyone keeps asking me if we're ready to which I respond "as ready as we'll ever be!" I have become okay with the fact that we'll never be fully ready, life is gonna change and it's gonna change fast! If we forgot something or don't have enough of something, then oh well- it's not the end of the world. We've also accomplished quite a bit in the last two weeks: crib built, car seat bases in, glider delivered, changing station set up, swing assembled, more baby laundry, hospital bag is started, etc. Being able to continually check things off of our "To Do" list helps with my zen calm. I still might completely freak out in two weeks time, but I reserve that right as the crazy pregnant lady!

We had our 36w appointment on Wednesday and Baby continues to be doing great. Her heartbeat's still around 160bpm and she was head down. I think she's still changing positions though, but more side-to-side than anything else. We start seeing the CNM every week from here on out!

Here's the belly @ 36w - It's no wonder people keep asking me if I'm due soon!

35/35

35 weeks and 35 days to go, approximately of course! This 8th month has gone by way too quickly, I can't believe I'll be entering my 9th month. Even harder to believe that we will have a little baby in our arms soon!

34 Week Belly

34w

And for your viewing pleasure - a bird's eye view of the 34w belly :o)

34 Weeks! Eeeek!

34 weeks pregnant, wow! I really can't believe we have gotten this far (though I'm still worried something tragic will happen to take it all away). The baby ticker says 42 days to go, and I admit I'm starting to freak out a little. I don't feel prepared- for labor & delivery, for the first few days, weeks, months and beyond. I know there is no way to be 100% prepared, but eeek!

I'm definitely getting bigger. My weight gain has been pretty good, but I've gained 3lbs in the last two weeks alone. That's not a good trend! I have been craving lots of sweet lately, so lots of baking has been done which obviously doesn't help the weight gain! Getting up and around is a bit trickier too. I also had to invest in some slip-on shoes since tying my sneaks has become a joke :o) Baby is getting bigger too, that's for sure. Her movements can get pretty uncomfortable sometimes, but I still watch my belly in awe!

Sleep is getting more difficult. I'm waking up a lot, mostly to pee, which is mystifying since I can go for long stretches of time during the day without hitting the bathroom, but wake up every 1.5 hours at night?? I also think maybe Baby is waking me up, then I realize my hip aches or something and I have to reposition myself, then fall asleep again, etc, etc, etc.

Food is getting tricky too. Either I'm eating something that doesn't agree with me or my stomach is very squished or it's the lack of sleep, but something is causing my tummy to not feel so well... It's been a game of trial and error with certain foods, though I think I figured out that fruit juices are just too acidic for me right now, and I feel sick a few hours afterwards. That's my hypothesis for today anyway.

Overall, I've been very lucky this pregnancy and have really loved being pregnant. I may be jinxing myself, but I don't care, it's true and I think I'll even miss it a bit when it's over, but I am so excited to welcome our beautiful little baby to this (very big, very scary, but wonderful) world!

32 Weeks!

I had my 32 week check-up last Friday, and Baby's heart rate was really high since she was dancing around so much. The mid-wife wanted to make sure that everything was normal, so I had to sit for a N0n-Stress Test for a longer observation. I was really nervous that something was wrong. Her heart rate would go into the high 180s, then when she calmed down it went back to her "normal" of 160ish, then she started boomeranging around again and it went back up then back down once she was done. All I kept thinking was "please let everything be okay," it would be just my luck to go in for a routine appointment and end up in L&D or something. Conclusion: one excited baby, probably due to the juice I drank about an hour earlier. Thankfully we were given the "all good" and sent on our way. Phew...

32 week belly!

Hiccups!

While I was lying in bed yesterday morning I noticed that my belly was moving in a rhythmic thump, thump- it was so cool! There has been only one other time where I *think* I felt baby hiccups, but this was for sure and I just laid in bed till they stopped :o) In fact, I waste so much of my day just watching my belly move! As much as I want to meet our little one, I will be sad when this special time is over...

What a Difference a Year Makes

March 1, 2009

I still think about Baby P often, and about how we would have a one-year-old now. I still miss Baby P too, and I'm sure I always will. No matter how many healthy children we have that will never change. A piece of my heart is gone forever.

Today, I am thankful for all we have now and the beautiful baby on the way. I am thankful that on this March 1st the happy in my life outweighs the sad, and I really can't ask for more than that...

30 Week Belly

Holy moly- I'm going to be HUGE by 40 weeks!

My First Award!

Thank you MJ for the nomination!

Here's what I have to do:

* Thank the person who nominated you and link to their blog

* Copy the award and paste it to your blog

* Tell us 7 interesting things about yourself

And finally:

* Nominate 3 bloggers that you love and link to their blog

Hmmm... seven interesting things about me:

1) I resisted becoming a teacher. It wasn't until 4 months after college graduation that I realized it was something I did want- now it's hard to imagine not being a teacher.

2) I have two brothers named Michael- my biological brother and my stepbrother.

3) I never thought I'd be a military spouse.

4) I love women's history- suffragists, women of WWII, 50's housewives, feminist movement, etc.

5) I try my best to be kind to the environment and am very concerned with human impact on the environment.

6) I love to bake, but hate the clean up so don't do it very often!

7) Growing up I didn't want to be a stay-at-home-wife/mom, but now I am so thankful that I can be for a few years.

My nominations:

Shanny @ I Did, I Do, I Will

Hope @ Hoping in Houston

SS @ Still No Explanation

28 Week Belly

The pj bottoms finally had to go under the belly :o)

Hello 3rd Trimester!

I am 28 weeks pg today- how did that happen? I really have a baby growing in my belly? That funky movement isn't gas? It still seems totally impossible. I'm into the 3rd trimester- I wonder when it will start to feel real... I still have times where I forget that I'm pg!

Had a routine check-up today, and Baby still sounds good with a heart rate at 159bpm, love that she is consistent on that front! Only gained 2lbs in the last 4 weeks, which I'm also loving :o) I'm sure I'll pack on the pounds soon enough, but given my life-long struggle with weight I really thought I'd be a (even bigger) heifer by now!

26w Belly

25 Week Update

How far along? 25w 1d

Total weight gain? apx 15lbs

Maternity clothes? Yup, pretty much exclusively

Stretch marks? None on my belly... yet

Sleep? Better, but I really need to get into a better bedtime routine

Food cravings? None really

Belly button? Still in, but making its way out

Gender? Girl!

Labor signs? None, thank goodness!!

Best moment this week? Feeling Baby move around and starting to "see" her movements on the outside of my belly

What I miss most? Nothing really, though it is getting harder to do basic things like tie my shoes quickly

What I look forward to? J being able to feel Baby's movements (she seems to stop moving whenever he puts his hands on my belly!)

Milestones? Pretty excited to make it to 25 weeks and can't believe our 3rd Tri is around the corner!

On a Happier Note

Updated belly pics...

Happy Holidays! 22w3d @ my Mom's

24w!

Does the Worrying Ever Stop?

I think probably not...

Even though I started this pregnancy pretty calm and cool, realizing that the success of this pregnancy is pretty much out of my control (except for the obvious dangerous behaviors), but the further we go along, the more and more scared I am becoming that something is going to go terribly wrong. Which seems kind of opposite of how most pregnant women probably feel given how much the odds improve over time.

Before I could feel any movement, I was constantly anticipating it- willing it happen to feel reassured that she was okay. Then around the middle of week 19, the night before our big u/s actually, I started to feel her. Not big movements, but distinct. The movement was very inconsistent, feeling her some days more than others, but always getting stronger. I could rationalize that she was still so small and that this was normal. Then around 22 weeks she had a few days where I didn't feel her much at all, and then finally some good strong movement for days. I rationalized this by thinking she had been going through a growth spurt, plus the fact that I have an anterior placenta.

Since that lull, I have started to see movement on the outside of my belly and have consistently felt her move around when I'm laying in bed at night or in the morning- but not last night, or this morning. Yesterday I only felt some slight movement, very little at night, and I was so tired last night I pretty much passed out. Then I woke up this morning and nothing. I won't lie- I freaked out!!! I laid in bed a few minutes waiting, but worked myself into such a worry that I jumped up to eat something, thinking that our blood sugar must be kind of low. So I downed a bagel, a cookie, some water, and sat down to write. I have felt 2 slight movements in the time I have been writing, so I just poured myself a small glass of coke. Yup, I am attempting to hype up my baby with caffeine to make myself feel better, even given that we just had an u/s on Tuesday where she looked great.

Where does all this crazy come from? Well, there is the obvious- already losing a pregnancy, but that's not all of it. Though, a large portion of worry does come from reading the pregnancy loss boards I used to frequent after the m/c. Since the board didn't have a distinction between early and late loss, there were so many heartbreaking stories of moms who lost their babies long after the statistics said they would. Another part of it comes from knowing too much, coming from a Health Sciences background doesn't help. Trust me, for some things in life ignorance really is bliss. There is so much that can go wrong in pregnancy. In fact, I am still in constant amazement that people even get pregnant "by accident" or that out of the hundreds of babies born every day the large majority of them are healthy. The last portion of crazy is my propensity for almost always seeing the glass as half empty. I usually don't think of myself as a worrier, just a realist but maybe there really isn't that much difference between the two.

For now, the coke has done its job and I have felt a few strong movements, which means J won't have to commit me to the mental ward- at least, not today...

Happy New Year!!!

Wishing everyone a fantastic 2010!!!

23 Week Update

How far along? 23w1d

Total weight gain? apx 15lbs, not really sure

Maternity clothes? yes, except for things like pjs

Stretch marks? around my bo.obs, which is weird since they don't seem any bigger!

Sleep? same: not great, but could be worse

Food cravings? not really

Belly button? mostly still in, but making its way out

Gender? girl, unless some parts have descended over the last month :o)

Labor signs? none, thankfully!!

Best moment this week? feeling Baby's movement getting stronger

What I miss most? nothing really

What I look forward to? another u/s on Tuesday!

Milestones? 5 months down, 4 more to go!

Home!

It feels so good to be home!

J and I headed up to see our families for about 10 (long) days. We know that every time we visit our days are going to be long and jammed packed, though this year wasn't too bad.

First came my baby shower on the 20th. It was a very nice shower, my moms really did a great job- lots of food, non cheesy games, etc. There were over 50 people there including my best friend K who came up from TX, 3 babies, 1 toddler, 1 preschooler and 3 very pregnant ladies all due around the New Year. In fact one of those ladies is now a momma- Her son was born on the 27th, very exciting! Overall the shower was a success, everyone commented on having a great time, everything was lovely, etc. Now, without meaning to sound ungrateful, I did end up returning about $300 worth of gifts... Why? Because only about 1/3 the guests bought gifts off the registry. I know it is not a prereq that people buy off the registry, but come on. This is our first baby, we need a lot of stuff- what we don't need are lots of cutesy outfits that Ally is only going to wear once. Plus, there were some serious themes to our registry: if there was an organic option it was on our registry and no plastic toys. Apparently only a few people picked up on that. I think I was mostly frustrated that I put so much time and research into creating our registry and people just seemed to ignored it... sigh. I know I sound like a snobby, unappreciative wench, but there it is.

The rest of the week was spent seeing friends & family and finishing up a bit of xmas shopping. We do a pretty good job of splitting up the actually holiday among our immediate family. We spent xmas eve with my Dad & Stepmoms' side, xmas morning with J's side, then xmas evening with my Mom & Stepdads' side. Then, around 10:30 xmas night J started puking. First we thought food poising, then we found out the next morning that there was a horrible stomach bug going around. Apparently J's cousins even brought their sick children to the family party!!! Poor thing was up most of the night puking, then spent the next day on the toilet. I felt so bad, since there wasn't much we could do except let it run its course. We've spent every day since hoping that I don't come down with it- guess time will tell!

J spent Sunday and Monday driving home with our animals and a very packed car, I flew back yesterday with 3 very heavy suitcases, but we got everything home~ which is a Christmas miracle unto itself :o)

Hope you and yours had a lovely holiday!!