One Year Later!

Hi there! Funny how I finally got around to updating this blog almost exactly one year after my last post. I guess my procrastination worked out ironically this time :)

First and foremost, our beautiful baby girl arrived on October 5th! Exactly the day I was hoping for because this makes the girls precisely 5 years and 5 months apart- so fun. Labor (15 hours!) and delivery (natural!) went well, and Everly Jane arrived weighing 8lbs 5oz, and just shy of 20in long. She had lots of dark hair like Ally, and in fact she looked nearly identical to her sister at birth :) We all fell in love with her immediately. Overall Ally has just been the best big sister, and they each think the other is the best thing since sliced bread! 

E has been a fantastic baby, I honestly can't believe she will be 11 months next week. I thought time sped up when Ally was born, but wow, it now goes by at lightening speed! It's mind boggling that E's first birthday is fast approaching. It is so bittersweet watching her change & grow, I'm trying to soak up all of her babyhood. We've settled into being a family of four, and feel that after all we have been through that our journey is complete- J got the big snip-snip in June. So odd after all those years of trying, to finally lay all of it aside. We are so, so thankful for our girls... there aren't even words to describe it...

I know no one really reads this blog, but for those few who stopped by and supported me through the craziness- thank you so much!! Infertility is definitely not a club people willingly join, but is made ever so slightly easier in knowing that you're not completely alone. I will keep the blog up in case someone stumbles upon it and can glean something from our story. 

Our path to parenthood was certainly not what we expected it would be- but we got here, finally, after all of the hoping and wishing and waiting... xo, A

1 week old

46 weeks old ;-P

SaveSave
SaveSave

34 Weeks!

So I've been meaning to stop by this space and just say everything is looking good, but time has seriously flown by these last 2 months! I can hardly believe we are 34 weeks along today. It still seems surreal, oddly. Baby is still moving like crazy, and it took me forever to realize why I feel so much more with her than I did with Ally. Duh, Ally's placenta was anterior and it really did buffer way more than I realized. Now that I have someone to compare her to, I feel and see so much more movement from this babe. It's awesome! Part of the reason I have "just kept swimming" throughout this pregnancy is because J had been away since April 1st, and I've been solo parenting and having to deal with my crazy all by myself. Thankfully he is home safe now! Ally is very happy her playmate is home too :)
The crib and dresser have been delivered and set up, but there is still a TON to do before she arrives! Just about 6-7 weeks to go, eeek! Here's the latest belly pics, already two weeks ago, wow!

3D Baby!

We had the follow up u/s last week and we got to see Baby in 4D, and left with some neat 3D pictures. Baby is still a girl and she looked great :) All but one small cysts remains, phew. My next appt is in July, and it will already be time for the diabetes test- wow! Not looking forward to the sickly orange drink, but at the same time it's another milestone for me and Baby! (*Update: we passed!)

Baby at 22w4d

"Just Keep Swimming"

I think I've become Dori, her mantra gets repeated in my brain pretty regularly :) I'm just trucking along, trying to stay positive and enjoy feeling Baby move and become stronger every day. It's still hard to believe there is an actual living baby in my belly. I really never thought we'd get to this point (and beyond) ever again, but here we are past the halfway mark- I'll be 22w on Friday! Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

20w1d on 5/23/15

Baby Looks "Great" :)

We had the big anatomy scan this week and according to the doctor "Baby looks great." Phew, so relieved!! Everything looking good on the u/s, plus our negative Serum Integrated 2 results has let me and J breathe a sigh of relief. I feel like we've overcome some big statistical odds and are now into the "normal" realm- where if anything goes wrong from this point on, it's not because of us. I'm still trying to stay positive and not think about all the tragic possibilities that could still occur. Most days I win, but I'd be lying if I didn't have moments where fear takes over. I finally felt comfortable enough after the anatomy scan to announce the pregnancy on Fbook. A day later I shared the gender results :) Any guesses? (pics below) The u/s did show that the cysts are still there and are about the same size as the last scan, so I get to have another u/s on Jun 8, yahoo! (I'm sorry I ever cursed you cysts!)

We also had another big event last week- Ally turned 5 years old! I can hardly believe it. We celebrated with a trip to a nearby Great Wolf Lodge. All of the grandparents met us there, much to Ally's surprise :) It was especially awesome to have everyone there because J is away for work, and as my dad said "it's a good thing she has three grandpas worth of energy!" LOL, yes she is that energetic! We defintely had a lot of fun, and Ally did not want to leave. Not surprisingly, J now wants us to go again when he gets back- I know he feels like he missed out and wants to do something special with her while she is still our only "baby."

Ally has seemed to have taken to the idea of the Baby, and tells people that she is going to be a big sister. She asks when the baby will be ready to come out :) Today she sang to my belly and it was the sweetest thing- melt my heart!

Telling the "world" at 18w5d

Gender reveal at 19w0d

Yesterday's Checkup

So yesterday I had my first "official" OB appt at my new office. It was not with Dr. S but with Dr. J who is new to the practice. Fine with me since if I stay with them (that's another post) then I'd like to see them all more than once before delivery. This appt was a general "congrats, you're preggers and here is everything we want you to know" plus a physical and pap. Oh! And I got to hear baby's heartbeat over the doppler! Dr. J said my first round of bloodwork came back fine, and I had draws done for part 2 of the serum integrated test and toxoplasmosis (which I've never had since other docs haven't seemed concerned). Fingers crossed the tests come back normal! Dr. J also confirmed that the cysts look much better. She is not too concerned about them, and thinks that they will probably continue to shrink, though the tech will get images again at the next u/s. Which is the anatomy scan. Which is now less than 3 weeks away- eeek! As for baby, Dr. J was kind of vague, saying that everything looked okay but that the anatomy scan is the big one, and we'll find out then if there are any concerns. She mostly just reiterated that last Friday's u/s was to look at the cysts... She did however say that there were no images of the hematoma so assumes it is no longer there. So why did the tech ask me if I've had bleeding?!?!?! Deeeeeeep breaths. I'll just have to keep my anxiety down until the big u/s May 11th. Wish me luck with that!

Couldn't Wait

After writing my last post I decided I couldn't wait until next Tuesday for my u/s. It was less than a week away, but it felt too long. I was having too many anxious moments and tears over the possibility of another miscarriage, so I called on Wednesday and changed it to yesterday (Friday). Luckily I got in, unluckily there was no doc to talk to me after the u/s (since it was 4pm on a Friday), so I won't know if there were any red flags noted. The tech did say that my R ovary looks MUCH better (which I could tell myself from the images), and confirmed that there is a posterior placenta. However, she did ask me "hmm, are you having any bleeding?" To which I said "No. I know there's a hematoma but it I haven't seen any evidence of it lately" since it has been weeks since any brown spotting. She said nothing after that, just silence. Ugh. Here is why I hate this question: she couldn't have told me if something was wrong anyhow!! I'm hoping it was just her wondering if the hematoma was acting up, but of course I'm left trying to figure out why she would ask me that question!! Is the hematoma bigger? Is the placenta low-lying? Some other terrible circumstance that I get to wait on pins and needles to hear about? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Anyhow, baby was curled up pretty cozy, but I saw the heart beating right away and he/she moved a little bit. At least I remember his/her arm waving around a bit. The tech took a couple of heart ratings, I don't know why she took so many. The first was 170bpm, another 161bpm and the one she printed for me says 153bpm... Good rates I think, I just don't like that she had to check it so much. There was also a large mass that she seemed to have to maneuver around. It wasn't black so I'm pretty sure it wasn't the hematoma, but I'm not positive it was the placenta since I'm not that u/s savvy. I'm just going to hope it was the placenta and all looked good, though I won't know for sure until my appt with the doc on Tuesday. Fingers crossed...

15w0d

Second Trimester!

Sorry for the lack of updates, I've just been holding my breath over here...

It turns out that the hematoma and cysts may be a blessing in disguise since it has meant more u/s over the last few weeks. I had another on Feb 26 (7w6d) where baby measured right on track and we found that the hematoma had shrunk. Unfortunately the cysts were the same or bigger, and the doc was really thinking I'd be having surgery soon. Though at my next u/s Mar 23 (11w3d) a few of the cysts had shrunk and the largest was about the same, so we are at a "wait and see" on that front, and thankfully baby looked great. He/she measured a little ahead and was moving around, phew! I have had some brown spotting here-there and nearly lost it the first time, but after talking to the nurse realized it was probably from the hematoma and not to worry. 

Now I'm just twiddling my thumbs until my u/s next week. Ugh, it feels so far away! I'm toying with the idea of getting a doppler, just to ease my nerves until I feel baby move with regularity. I'm currently 14w2d, which is so hard to believe! I've had very few pregnancy symptoms this time, which I'm thankful for in general, but at the same time reassurance would be nice. I've actually felt more sick/nauseous the last couple of weeks than I have the whole 1st tri. I also had a fair bit of RLP, so I'm thinking maybe there was a growth spurt? I *think* I've felt baby moving a few times, but it is so fleeting I don't have enough time to analyze it so I'm not 100% positive. I just keep hoping that everything is going to work out well this time and that we will have a healthy baby this Fall, but there is just so much that could still go wrong...

Because Nothing Can Be Simple...

So about two weeks after I wrote my last post I ovulated, and I pretty much knew I would get pregnant. Our "timing" had been right even though we weren't particularly trying since we had only just gotten J's genetic test results back (J's test said he was normal, but I have yet to call and see just how in-depth the test we took really were, so I was/am leery of conceiving without PGD). Getting knocked up is not our problem, so I just knew. Sometimes it seems like we can't not get pregnant.

Anyhoo, I made it to 11dpo and I took a digital hpt, and it read "pregnant." On 13dpo I took a baseline CB digital with weeks estimator and it read "1-2weeks." I was able to get a beta at 14dpo and it was 116, a pretty good number in my book. My repeat was 488 at 17dpo, and I was relieved since if the number had been ambiguous I might have pulled my hair out. I kept begging the universe "please nothing ambiguous, let it either more than double or be falling. I want a black and white number, no grey!" Then my 2nd CB digital with weeks estimator read "3+weeks" a week earlier than I expected it to so I was pretty satistifed!

I had my first u/s last Friday at 6w0d (adjusted for ovulation- another older egg on CD19). Luckily the embryo made it to the uterus (yahoo!) and I saw its flicker as soon as the sac was located on the screen :) Heart rate was 113, which the doc was happy with since it was still so early. The C-R measurements read 5w6d/6w0d/6w1d, which lined up exactly with dating. Another relief. However things took a turn when the tech went to my R ovary. This wasn't my first rodeo, so I knew immediately something did not look right. Huge black spaces that were measuring 7/8/9cms. I have never seen such huge cysts in my ovary before, and there were a few of them. I knew I was right to be concerned when she went to my L ovary and it looked normal, with nothing measuring over 2cms. I love getting that sinking feeling in my gut. I met with my doc, another Dr. S, and he felt great about everything baby-wise, except oh wait, there was a subchorionic hematoma. Fun! Oh and those large cysts, which could cause torsion with extreme pain and immediate surgery. Lovely! All kinds of awesome news! So no sex, exercise or strenuous activity until my u/s next week.

Can nothing be simple? Seriously? It feels like a joke. Baby looked great, it made it to the right spot and seemed to be thriving, but I don't get to enjoy that because I have two new big worries. I refuse to google the hematoma because I know enough to be worried and I don't need to read the horror stories. Same for the cysts. I'm keeping tabs on every twinge and ache on my R side. Urrrrrgggghhhh. I could scream!! I'm trying to be optimistic, I really am. I have few to no symptoms, but I'm still hopeful. Especially given that this all reminiscent of what happened a year nearly to the day with the Turner's baby last February. We had doubling betas and a good 6w u/s with her, but everything still fell apart. There are no guarantees for us, but I'm really hoping for a happy ending this time...

Happy New Year

It is hard to believe it is the new year already. Hopefully 2015 is easier than 2014. Though I really can't complain, I have more than most...

Since I last posted:

1) I wrapped up my last school year teaching for the foreseeable future. I am so glad I went back last year for many reasons- mostly for my sanity, but it was eye opening being a teacher now that I am a parent. I have a refreshed outlook on being a SAHM, and have decided to homeschool given my renewed perspective on the educational system. Also, teaching/working and trying to be mom/wife was much harder than I thought it would be, even under the best possible circumstances. I also know myself a bit better and what I need as a SAHM. All good things.

2) We've moved across the country again (got to love the military!), and while I wouldn't choose to live in this part of the country voluntarily, we are a bit closer to family, and in the same time zone :) I have made a few friends through a Bunco group and a book club, so I feel lucky for that. The house is still not settled, but we're getting there, and since we just found out we're probably not moving again this summer it feels like we can make ourselves at home a bit more. We also very much like the neighborhood and general area of where we live.

3) I met with a new OBGYN here and had my chromosomes tested- everything came back "normal" for me. Yet, we had another chemical pregnancy around Thanksgiving. J had his test done before Xmas so we're still waiting to hear back. We do have a referral to see an RE, but since our insurance doesn't cover much of anything I'm not sure what our next steps will be. If J's test comes back "normal" then maybe we'll go in for a consult to see if there is a more complete/advanced genetics test we should have done. If it comes back "abnormal" I guess we'll go in to see what everything would entail and cost... (Update: J's genetic tests did come back normal, and I had an appt with the RE set but cancelled it since everything looked OK at the 6w u/s a few days prior)

Overall, I feel like everyday I'm more resigned to the fact that Ally will be an only child. A lot of the time I'm okay with that because it's easier. Easier financially since there will be no ART, and since the military is downsizing J's job is less secure. I'm also thinking it's mentally and physically easier to only have one. There are MANY days I think "how do people do this with more than one kid?!?" I can't even imagine being more worn-down or pulled in more directions than I already am. I'd probably be even more crazed and out of my mind! Then I have moments where the grief of it all just washes over me... and to think that there will not be another baby, that Ally will not have a sibling is just heartbreaking. Then I think, "well even if there was a sibling it doesn't mean that they'd get along or even like each other." I love my biological brother and my stepbrothers, but we're not particularly close. We really only talk when we see each other at the holidays. Maybe if we lived closer to one another, but I don't know, we're so different. Plus the age difference is getting wider and wider between Ally and any potential sibling. Every other vision I've had in my head about being an adult, being married, being a mom has been blown to bits, so it would probably be the same with my visions of a wonderful sibling relationship. Emotionally it's easier because hopefully then I/we can move past the losses and be free of it all. No more tracking ovulation, looking for any little symptoms, no more POAS. No more getting our hopes up- or feeling guilty that when I see those faint BFPs I think "oh geez, what's gonna happen this time? PLEASE don't be ectopic, please just be chemical. I really can't deal with an ectopic right now." No more comparing HPTs to each other day after day trying to analyze if the line is darker or not (PS: I have decided I'm only using digitals no earlier than 14dpo from now on... we'll see how I do with that). I know J wants another, and I do too but not like this. Not by possibly going broke trying, not with the heartbreak of more failure. I'd want at least two more if it were "easy" but for some reason that's not our path so I'm kinda done. I wish I could just close my eyes and will into being a healthy baby but I can't...

Turner's Syndrome

Officially: Turner's Syndrome with mosaicism.  Baby was a she.

Adding to the fun was the chemical pregnancy I had in April. Yes, you read that right. I was waiting on my period after the D&C, so I tested on a hunch. Sure enough, it was a BFP. The betas caught that is was a chemical pregnancy really early, but for a few days there, I thought "please let this be it, please let this be our healthy baby, please."

Turns out Ally truly is our real-life miracle. I'm thinking after two blighted ovum pregnancies, another with Turner's and then the chemical pregnancy, we are dealing with (major?) genetic issues, possibly a translocation issue. Which leads us to either keep trying and keep losing, or possibly have a child with an unbalanced translocation and the resulting effects, or... IVF with PGD. None of these secenarios are appealing.

And while I might be putting the cart before the horse, I am now mourning the thought that we really might only have one child. There really might not be anymore children. No sibling(s) for Ally. It will be just the three of us. No need for all the baby stuff we've been holding onto. No bringing home a teeny tiny bundle of new life. No nighttime feedings, first smiles, rolling over or crawls. No "mama" and "dada."

And I feel badly for Ally. It seems like a lot of (unintentional) pressure to be an only. It all rides on her. She's our only shot at this parenting thing. No sibling to help her bear her crazy parents :) To share secrets and holiday goodness with. She can't even "adopt" a sibling in the form of a friend because we move so much. It's a lonely life.

While I am eternally grateful for what we do have, I'm just so overwhelemed...

Still Processing

I guess I'm still processing it all... I am also to the point where I think I can write about it without crying.

We went in for our second u/s on February 20th. Baby should have measured 8w3d. Baby measured 8w1d (though I was actually kind of shocked that baby measured so far along because of my lack of symptoms), but the strong heartbeat from 2 weeks previous was gone. And I knew it. I just knew. And I cried. Bawled really, while my husband hugged me and Dr. S held my hand.

*okay, I am apparently not to the point where I can "talk" about it and not bawl...  Two weeks later...

Dr. S talked to us about our options and then left us alone for a little bit. I already knew I could not mentally or physically go through another natural m/c so I opted, for the first time, to schedule a D&C. Then I went home, made up some sub plans, got into bed and cried for a few days. Dragged myself to work for a few days, made up more sub plans, had the D&C done on Feb 27th, and again went home, got into bed and cried for a few days.

Since then it has gotten easier day by day (though the day before the D&C life throw a cruel irony at me that I still can't believe and can't write about yet), though it will randomly hit me that I am no longer pregnant and that seems impossible. Then other times it feels like the whole thing was a dream and I was never pregnant. I'd say generally I'm just sad, but getting better.

This m/c seems different then the others too. I guess I am surprised by that. Though this is the first loss we have experienced that involved seeing a live baby, and it's different (just as I suppose my loss is different than a later term loss where you'd already have felt the baby move, know its gender, etc. I assume that would be much worse). I think one of the worst parts is just how bad our odds seem to be- 3%? We had a  3% chance of miscarrying, and sure enough we did. We are waiting on the genetic testing to come back from the D&C, though I actually don't think that is going to tell us anything. I can't explain why I think that, I just do.

J and I aren't sure what our next steps will be. Part of me wants to try right away and another part of me thinks my body is trying to tell me something and I need to figure out what that is before I get pregnant again. I don't know. I'm still processing it all.


PS: Summer baby's EDD was today.

No Heartbeat.

Hesitant...

I've been hesitant to post how the u/s went on Feb 5th @ 6w2d, not because things went badly but because things looked pretty good. And it scares me. Baby made it to the uterus, and we saw a strong heartbeat of 124bpm. The yolk sac measured a bit small, but it wasn't the fanciest of u/s machines. Dr. S was really encouraging, telling me some stat that if there is a yolk sac, fetal pole and heartbeat then there is only 3% chance of m/c. I have never heard this stat before- anyone else? Though he has me labeled as "high risk" and I'm going in this Thursday for a follow up u/s.

I've tried not to be discouraged by the fact that the yolk sac measured about a week behind where I should have been. I've tried to be positive. I've tried to not even think about being pregnant- distancing myself maybe? The only symptom I have had with any regularity is sore breasts, and even that is not nearly as bad as with Ally. I had a sour stomach two or three times weeks ago, but expected the nausea to kick in around 7w like it did with Ally, but nothing. The heartburn/gas that tipped me off to POAS comes and goes. I've felt a cramp or two, but zero RLP. Not very encouraging. I sometimes wonder if I'm even making symptoms up here and there. I don't "feel" pregnant and that scares me. I am terrified for Thursday's u/s. Terrified.

I Made it Until Tuesday

I was able to hold out until yesterday to get my blood draw. I was hoping for a beta around 1400- that would have been doubling every 48 hours, with a few extra hours wiggle :) Well, Dr. S called today and told me it was at 2600 (22dpo)- wow! He is going to let me go in next Wednesday even though I'll only be a bit over 6 weeks at that point- there is no way I can wait until I'm 8+ weeks like a "normal" person. I need assurance that it is not ectopic, and would love to see at least a flicker of a heart by then... fingers still crossed.
I would love to be excited and optimistic about this one, but I'm just not there yet. Hopefully after next week's appointment I can let some of those positive feelings into my consciousness. Until then, I'm happy but super reserved. In some ways it just doesn't feel real yet.

48 Hours Later

It doubled, but I don't know the exact number because Dr. S didn't leave it on the voicemail :(  He just said "it went up a little more than double."  My little more than double guess would be around 360, so that's what I have in my mind (though I really hope it is closer to 400, just to be reassuringly doubled). Dr. S wants me to repeat "in about a week," but there is no way I will make it to next Wed/Thur, so I'm going to have a draw on Monday. I think I've earned the right to be a bit neurotic! I'd love to see a number around 1400 by then... Fingers still crossed!

Here We Go Again!

1st beta hCG today @ 15dpo = 176 

Fingers crossed to see at least 400 on Thursday...

Finally Over

After another u/s on Aug 9 confirmed that the sac was empty and that the EDD was off by 12 days, Dr. S gave me the option to schedule a d&c or wait two weeks to see if I m/c naturally. Since I had already m/c the twin pregnancy naturally I figured I would do the same this time. Of course this m/c seemed so different than the first. I had already started spotting in early Aug, then on Aug 11 I started having more of "period," so I figured the end must be near- unfortunately, no. I didn't actually m/c until the following Tuesday, and even then Wed & Thur were no picnic. It seemed with the twin pregnancy, I started bleeding, m/c, then went back to a normal period for a few days. Not this time! I didn't actually get back to "normal" until today. That is over a month of spotting/period. The weekend before I actually m/c I was soooo ready to go with a d&c- I just wanted it done with. Which is such a different mindset then the first time. Though I think I have figured out why: 1) the first time was more sad and the reality hadn't really hit me yet, 2) the irony that this was all happening five years nearly to the day of the twin pregnancy was getting to me, 3) this time I was more pissed than sad. Just straight up angry that I am going through this again, physically and emotionally. That we have been pregnant 4 times and only have 1 child. That I was naive enough to get my hopes up. I truly *felt* that this pregnancy was going to be okay. While I was nervous about another ectopic, I was pretty certain that the embryo made it to the right spot, and when I found out that it was in the ute I figured "okay, we're good!" We wouldn't possibly have another blighted ovum pregnancy, right?! Pffffff, silly me. I am so angry that we are once again robbed of the bliss that comes with seeing that BFP. I am not an optimistic person by nature, so this beating is just making things harder and harder. I am to a point that I really don't know when I 'll be ready to try again... I just can't take another m/c- physically and emotionally.

A New Saga

Where to start...? So, my last post was in November, and since then Ally & I survived our months without J while he was deployed. It was nice being near family (and not having to travel for the holidays!), but life is not complete without Daddy around so we were all happily reunited in mid-May. This of course meant another cross-country move. While moving is always stressful, it thankfully went well overall. We are still trying to get settled, but we like the house and where we are living.

Also, a series of events led to my decision to go back to teaching, and I'm excited to be going back to my old school! I am thankful to have been home with Ally her first 3 years, but it feels like time for a change. It's sure to be a major transition, and I'm trying to prep myself, but I know it will be more difficult than I can imagine at the moment.

The other big news is that I got a BFP on 7/13. At 11dpo, it was a faint but clear positive- which J saw too :) I was pretty sure I ovulated in my R side (which has been confirmed), so I was immediately concerned about another ectopic. Since we'd just moved to the area I didn't have a doctor yet, but was lucky to find someone who saw me pretty much right away. A few other practices wanted to wait until I was 8weeks- to which I said "you're crazy- with my history I am NOT waiting that long." Anyways, I saw my new OBGyn, Dr. S, on Jul 24 where I fell in love with him because he immediately did an u/s and put a standing order for my beta hCG into the lab :) The u/s showed a  small sac in the uterus. Which at just over 5 weeks, was all I was expecting- heck I just wanted to make sure it made it to the right spot! My beta that day was 1322- a respectable quant at just over 5weeks. However, my beta 48hrs later was only 1895. Whomp, whomp. So, Dr. S had me get another draw this past Tuesday- at apx 102hrs later my beta was 4000. A quant I described to J as enough to be encouraging, but not nearly enough to be reassuring.

Thankfully Dr. S had me go to the hospital for a thorough u/s, which I had today. Things did not appear to go well. The tech, K, was very nice, but of course didn't share much- other than I had very cooperative ovaries that she kept calling "show offs," which I guess is a good thing! K also didn't show me any images, and I've had enough of these done to know that is never a good sign. At 6.5 weeks along there should have been at least a flicker of a heartbeat, which I'm pretty sure K would have shared if she'd seen it. I did get K to tell me how far along the sac measured and she said just over 4weeks. Um, yeah that doesn't add up. And given my betas, it's looking like another blighted ovum pregnancy. Though to make things even more confusing, Dr. S called while I was writing this post and told me the report said I was measuring at 5weeks and the pregnancy looked viable- but it doesn't say WHY it looks viable. He asked if the tech showed me a heartbeat (I said "no"), because none is mentioned in the report- so he's as confused as I am! I remember getting a glimpse at the sac measuring 5w1d during the trans-abdominal portion of the u/s, but it was during the trans-vaginal portion that K said it was measuring at just over 4weeks. I also glimpsed quite a few "data out of range" messages on the screen while she was measuring- which makes sense if K inputed my info and I was suppose to be measuring at 6w6d (per my LMP). Another strange bit is that the report mentions I was bleeding a little, but I haven't detected that at all- and I've been checking! :) So where does this leave me? Dr. S said to take it easy and he'll do another u/s next Friday. Though I wouldn't be surprised if I start to m/c before then...

I am so sick of getting my hopes up, just to have them dashed down again.

Stupid EDD

Today would have been my EDD. I haven't really thought about it much, but it popped into my head yesterday and was on my mind a bit today. How very different life would be. Not necessarily better of course because I have so much to be thankful for- just different, but in the best possible way.

An ectopic is such a strange (for lack of a better term) way to "lose" a pregnancy in that your own health takes precedence. While logically you know there is no way an ectopic is viable, it is still the loss of what could have been. In such a short amount of time dreams were made, names were discussed (girl's name picked even). It was just enough time to get excited, and since we already have Ally it was easier to be optimistic right from the start; I kept thinking and telling J "our odds are good, we're 1:1." It sucks to have that optimism ripped away again, and our odds are even worse but for multiple reasons now.

The simple truth is, I'm sad about this loss and everything it means.

36 weeks

The "Would Be" game continues- I would be 36 weeks pregnant... Not gonna lie, I'm pretty bummed. Though I'm trying hard to play the "Someday" game too- Someday we will be a family of 4 (then 5, hopefully)...

BFN

BFN this morn at 14dpo, and my period started a few hours ago. I was a little hopeful, but not much so I'm not surprised. This does however mean definitely no baby next year, and most likely not until mid-2014 at the earliest. Ally will be 4 by then. I had hoped my children would be closer in age, but you can't always get what you want, and at this point I would just like another. I love Ally to bits, but I want more kids and I want her to have siblings.

Family Pics

We missed having Ally's 2yr studio pics done because she was in a mood and did not want to cooperate. at. all. Since we knew J was deploying soon, we did want some prof pics taken right before he left. Luckily an acquaintance from a few years ago (who was even more lovely than I remember!) made some time for us, and we got some great pics. So happy!

And...?

Sorry to leave you hanging- I know the whole world was waiting to find out what happened. haha.

The appt with the PA went well, she was kind of quick to brush off my concerns, but agreed to let me draw another beta, and also performed a full exam. I had told her I was having some left side/flank pain, and she was surprised to find a cyst on the left ovary. She was fairly certain it was just the corpus luteum from ovulation, but set up an u/s just to be sure. She was right and the cyst was gone when I had the u/s 4 days later. It was sort of odd that it was seemingly so late in my cycle to still have the cyst (CD 9), but it makes sense that my O date for the right side typically gets pushed back a few days compared to the left side. I had my beta drawn the same day as the u/s and my hCG was at 2. Apparently there is always some fluctuating 0-8ish amount of hCG floating around the (female?) system-interesting. I ovulated a few days later and am currently waiting to get my period. Though I'll probably POAS by Friday, just 'cause I'm a hpt glutton :)

Huh?

My beta yesterday was 7 and my period all but stopped. Not quite sure what to think of that. Obviously there is nothing viable going on, but I was shocked that the doc consulted (not my current doc) didn't want another draw. Her words "5 is negative, who ordered a 2nd draw?! 7 is negative, no more blood work." Ummm, I'm not a doctor, but I do know the <5 is considered the "not pregnant" mark. 7 means something is producing hCG, wouldn't she want to be sure that it's not an ectopic forming somewhere? or something else? I'm not saying I need a draw every day or anything, but I think it's important to check that the number goes back below 5 soon. Maybe she didn't know my history (I'm assuming not since it wasn't my doc's nurse following up because of the holiday), but it confirms the opinion of this doc that I formed years ago- which is that I don't like her :) I have an appt with a PA next Thursday, and I will be demanding requesting another draw. I need to follow up on this.

What the ...?

My hCG yesterday was 5. Still, the hpt I took yesterday was positive and more obvious then the one from the day before, but still ridiculously light- and I had started my period. I'd blame it on that batch of tests, but I used tests from different batches. I've taken enough tests over the last 4 years to know the difference between one line and two lines. I have a follow-up beta tomorrow just to be sure there isn't an ectopic forming.

Since my last hCG quant in April was 3, I'm thinking maybe this was a chemical pregnancy? And it takes longer for urine to filter out the hCG than blood? A non-pregnant women doesn't produce hCG, unless she has certain cancers... awesome bit of information for a hypochondriac like me.

The Fairest and Faintest BFP of Them All...

Yup, it's there- I think. A second line so faint I'm half convinced I'm seeing things (hysterical pregnancy maybe?). Not an encouraging sight considering it is much lighter than the line I had with the ectopic this Spring. At 14DPO I should have a much stronger positive. I do not have a good feeling about this.

We also just moved back to my hometown and are in the middle of changing insurance plans and finding docs- prefect timing to need a STAT beta! Luckily, I called the office I used to go to here and a nurse called me right back. After listening to my recent history she ordered a blood draw, which I'll get done when the lab opens in the morning- and which I'll probably be paying out of pocket for. Though I really don't care about the cost. I just need to know where we are at, and think positive, doubling thoughts over the next few days... I kind of hope I'm crazy, and they'll laugh me and my made-up HPT out of the office :)

The Two Week Wait

Ahhh, the 2ww. Such good times! Since I am an overeager tester, I'm sure I'll only make it about 10 days :)

I had so strongly convinced myself that I was pg last month I was actually hoping it wasn't true since I now fear another ectopic. Sounds ridiculous- not the fear part, I think that's pretty normal. I mean the crazy "you're pregnant," "but, no wait I'm scared and I don't want to be" thoughts. It was an interesting inner struggle.

The hypochondriac side of my brain thinks that maybe the ectopic happened for a reason, because there is something bigger and scarier going on with my health that has yet to be discovered. Yes, I'm a nutcase; I completely cop to that fact. The more rational side of my brain knows that the endo caused the ectopic, and that's it. The problem with this rationale is that my instincts are usually right, about 50% of the time :) So, I'm waiting on more than a BFP. I'm waiting to see if the strange pangs, tingles, lumps and bumps I experience throughout my body are a sign of something even bigger to overcome.  Knowing my luck so far, we'll get pg just to find out it needs to be terminated since I'll need chemo or something.

Oh, how I wish I was naturally one of those positive, happy people. Life from that angle must be so nice...

Where We're At

Thankfully it has been a pretty uneventful couple of months. It is ridiculously hot where we are living now, though we are moving in a month and looking forward to a reprieve (that and a more distinct change of seasons)! I've been on the pill to allow the Metho a few months to "wash out" of my system. Since there are no good studies on how much time is necessary/safe between pregnancies, we were going with the 6 months range. Though I have not liked being on it this time round- I seem to notice how the hormones affect my body more so, even though it's the same pill I was on for years previously. I'm not sure if it's age, paranoia or being more in-tune with my body... probably paranoia :) So, we've decided that I'm not going to start a new pack this month. I was originally going to stay on it through July, possibly August, but I'm done. I suppose I'm also being impatient! I had my folate checked and the number was really high (around 20)- though it was only a floating folate and not a true red blood cell test. We're just hoping it's enough and that if I do happen to get pregnant, the high levels floating around will balance out any possible deficiency caused by the Metho. Optimism is not my strong suit, but it's my only hope at this point.

Speaking of possibly getting pregnant, J and I had a consult with an RE, Dr. K, this past Friday. After looking at our histories and doing the preliminary u/s, Dr. K suggested trying IUI first (I can't remember if he meant adding Clomid, etc too or natural), for a few cycles, then moving on to IVF, if we were so inclined. Or skipping IUI and going right to IVF since it yields better results. Typical RE response I suppose. Though he did seem conservative, in that as long as J's SA came back okay, trying 4-6 months naturally seemed like a good idea, then moving onto IUI. He also was very clear that IUIs are carefully monitored, and that they do not transfer more than 2 embryos during IVF, etc.

We are awaiting J's SA results (which have been varied in the past), and Dr. K wants me to repeat my Day 3 blood work, and get my progesterone level on Day 21 (which I don't think I've had done before). Dr. K also mentioned that everything looked good at my u/s and that I had lots of follicles, so that was reassuring. So, as long as J's results are pretty good, we're going to try naturally in July and Aug- maybe Sept if we're able to (since J may already be gone). Then we're thinking of going with IUI while he's away. If we don't get pregnant, then when he gets home we'll explore IVF. Though J seemed like he was ready to go ahead with IVF- I guess I'm not the only impatient one :) We have another consult with a different clinic on the 18th, though we might cancel it if we feel comfortable with this plan. Not sure what we're going to do yet...

And since I promised these months ago, a few shots of our adorable 2 year old!

What Now?

It has been over a month since my emergency surgery, and thankfully I am healed physically and feeling emotionally okay. It all seems so surreal, but I have the scars to prove it.

At my post surgery follow-up, Dr. E did a run-of-the-mill check of my metal and physical state, then reviewed the surgery pictures with me. Turns out that "something" Dr. E mentioned to J about my ovary is Endometriosis. Probably Stage 3-4 Endo. While it could still impede my fertility, it looks confined to the right side (ovary, outer uterus, the tube that ruptured). There is quite a bit of scarring, and so far the intestines are not adhered to the ovary, but they're "sticking" together a bit. Luckily the liver didn't appear to be involved. I don't remember exactly everything Dr. E said, and since she wasn't in there to do a lot of exploring she just has a basic idea of the situation. I'm thinking it is more Stage 4 considering the rectal pain I have during ovulation and menstruation. We're going to leave well enough alone at this point, and feel that the endo explains the blockage (and also why right side ovulation is more painful for me). However, I am going to see a couple of REs to get some opinions on what our next steps might be.

I also asked Dr. E what she think happened- why did it keep growing? She honestly had no answers. She told me that she contacted other docs, including a highly regarded mentor, who were all at a loss. It just didn't make sense that my hCG was decreasing but that the embryo/sac grew. No one had ever heard of such a thing happening before. Dr. E was clearly apologetic and sympathetic. She asked herself if she would have done anything differently, she asked her colleagues if she should have done anything differently, and the answer was 'no.' Everything appeared to be on track with no red flags of concern. For whatever reason, it just happened. It was an extreme anomaly.

I was a bit pissed that none of my previous GYNs has ever suspected endo, considering the painful ovulation and rectal pain I experience, but then I realized I've been on the pill most of my adult life- from the ages of 18 to 28 with only a few windows of time when I wasn't on it. It wasn't enough time to for a puzzle to appear. Then I became an army patient without the benefit of a stable provider who gets to know me and my history, so the pieces were never put together. I still think the RE I saw in WA should have been more concerned about my HSG results. Oh well, can't go back in time and do anything differently.

The other loose end is how long to wait until trying again. I had a blood draw done after the follow-up appt and my hCG level was a 3, and I'm pretty sure I ovulated the next day (which is confirmed by starting my period 15 days later, per usual). Dr. E left the decision to me, but after I learned more about MTX and how it cannibalizes the body's folate (extremely important for a developing baby), and given that I had two rounds of the stuff, J & I decided to be conservative and wait the 6 months. Which means we *might* have one chance before he deploys and is gone for 10 months. In the meantime, I went back on the pill for safety's sake. I'm hoping there will be some added benefit of keeping the endo in check, but probably not since it's only for a few months (I'm thinking being on the pill those 10 years might have been keeping it in check during that time). We'll see what the REs think too.

Now I'm dealing with the idea that there will be no baby this year, probably no baby next year and possibly not even the year after. I've been playing the 'Would be' game again... I would be 15 weeks along. My attempts at optimism are feeble ;)

Though I have so much to be thankful for- Ally's 2nd birthday was last week. Unbelievable! And I relished Mother's Day this year with my little lady. I am so lucky. Hopefully I will have pictures up soon to share!

Rupture

Right tubal rupture- good times! For whatever reason, after two rounds of Methotrexate my 1cm sized embryo grew to 5cm, even with a falling hCG. My beta last Friday was 3900, not a big decline from the week before, but not concerning, and my level yesterday at the ER was 1800- a nice big jump. Yet it kept growing...

Around 11pm Wednesday night I felt some left side aching in my back which spread to the right side. It became a bit strong so I took some extra strength Tylenol and gave myself two hours. I was worried about kidney stones since that's where the pain seemed to be emanating from, though the pain did eventually move to my right front pelvic region. A rupture never crossed my mind since my levels were dropping and we caught the ectopic at 6weeks- nearly five weeks ago (and since I was still getting a period I didn't notice that it had become more like real blood until later). By 1am I told J we should to go to the ER, so he called on a friend to stay at the house with Ally sleeping. 

Luckily this time the ER was empty so I was seen almost immediately. Same doc too, Dr. L- I doubt I'll forget his name now! Dr. L talked to us, did a belly exam and really wasn't sure what was going on, but did want to start me on pain meds, get a blood draw and urine sample. I was given Zofran to help with the nausea from the pain and the meds I was going to get. I don't remember exactly what I got- hydro.codon maybe? It took awhile for that to kick in, but definitely helped once it did, though I was still feeling a dull bit of pain. Lab came back with nothing of concern and an hCG of 1800. 

I'm not sure if Dr. L is just conservative in his care or cost, but he mentioned getting the pain under control then having me follow up with Dr. E. To which I thought "hell no." I told him I wanted to find out why I was in pain in the first place. So he decided on a CT scan since that would show stones, ovarian cysts, etc. Good thing I advocated for more info since the CT showed the rupture. Within an hour IVs and oxygen were started, and Dr. E and a team were there to get me into surgery. It all went pretty quickly, and everyone who took care of me was very nice. I was wheeled into Surgery, thinking "I haven't had real surgery since I was 3 years old." Pretty good run, I think :) Last thing I remember was the nurse anesthetist saying she'd be putting me to sleep... and I woke up 2 hours later in recovery. I had told Dr. E to take the tube no matter what, which she did, though thankfully that was all that was removed. She gave J pics from the surgery (!!!) and told me we'd go over them at my follow up appointment. She said something about my right ovary, though J doesn't remember what exactly, but didn't think Dr. E was overly concerned about it. So I'm thinking PCOS or Endo? Dr. E also said the left side looked great- thank goodness!

We were fortunate one of our sitters was able to be with Ally all day, and my mom was able to fly in last night- yay! That's one of the biggest draw backs about military living- the usual family support system isn't there. Though since we're all in the same boat military friends are there in a pinch :) I'm thankful this all happened at what turned out to be a convenient time- not sure what I would have done if J had been at class, unreachable, and I was alone with Ally. Not a good scenario. I'm also glad I went with my instincts, even though I was wrong about the cause I knew I needed ER care and that J needed to be with me. 

I was home a few hours after waking up in recovery, and have been resting in bed. J took care of everything before my mom got here. We'd both been up over 24 hours by the time we got home at 11am yesterday and there was a lot to do. And lest we forget when all this occurred: it fell on our 5 year wedding anniversary. All the nurses "awwww"-ed when they were wheeling me out and I said "happy anniversary" to J. Good times, indeed.

So Far, So Good

I had my 3rd hCG draw and a follow-up with Dr. E on 3/23. Thankfully my quant decreased from apx 10,000 to 6,000, and my last draw this past Friday 3/30 was apx 4,500.

At the appt with Dr. E on the 23rd I talked to her about what comes next, assuming the ectopic is taken care of, and her response was quite different from Dr. P's (whom I saw 3/16 since Dr. E was out of town). She felt that waiting 4-6 months was more appropriate since there are no good studies that show when it is safe to get pregnant after Metho. Whereas Dr. P said the drug is out of the system within a week, and the advice is to wait a cycle or two after the hCG comes back to normal just like any miscarriage (so apx 3 months). Hmmmm. Plus, Dr. P thought removing the tube and taking it out of the equation made sense, and has done so before, but Dr. E was hesitant about that idea and wants to do more research... I guess I appreciate Dr. E's conservatism, but at the same time I would have love some consensus so I don't feel like I'm floating out it no-man's land. I like a plan, and right now I have nothing.

Fingers crossed my quant this Friday is < 2,500!

Round Two

Unfortuntely, my hCG did not decline as much as Doc hoped, and Dr. P also thinks the embryo was pushed out of the tube given the pain I was in last Tuesday, so I was given another dose of the Methotrexate. That was Friday and luckily the side effects haven't been as bad as I feared they might be. Still have a few things to discuss with the Dr, but I'm just really hoping my hCG on Friday will be low enough that Dr. E says everything is taken care of... Fingers crossed. My period stared today, so that gives me hope the hCG is going down. I just want this over with.

It's Only Wednesday?

It has been a long 5 days so far...

On Saturday I was feeling some more Corpus Luteum cyst pain (or so I thought) around noon, and had to ask J to take over Ally duty. It was a bit more intense then earlier in the week, but not the hunched over, can't breathe kind of pain you hear about with ectopic pregnancies. I called the triage nurse line around 2:30pm, and she advised me to go to the ER (of course) even though by then I was feeling much better. I was going to wait and see if the pain became worse again before shlepping to the ER if I could- except I went to the bathroom after hanging up with the RN and wiped what appeared to be the start of a period. So, I got my purse and told J I was off to the ER. I figured even if it was cyst pain I could get peace of mind, and if it was the start of a m/c I might get help or an idea of what was happening.

I walked into our small town ER, which didn't appear to be busy and was triaged and registered. I should have told them I was in more pain than I really was since it took over FOUR hours for me to be seen. Granted an ambulance and a helicopter (!!!) emergency came in, but wow it was ridiculous. I kept giving myself timelines, like "I'll only stay an hour" or "I'll wait until 5:30" then "I'll wait a half hour more" because while I was there my pain had gone down to nearly zero, and I hated being around all these contagious people who didn't know how to cover their mouths/noses! Yuck! But around 6pm I felt a "tug," kind of like how it felt before my water broke with Ally, so I tracked down a nurse (there was no one manning the ER, you press a button to be let into triage- ridiculous!) and emotionally asked her for a pad because I was sure the blood would start flowing. In actuality, there wasn't much of anything, but luckily the nurse must have asked if I could at least get my labs started. After I got back from the lab is when the helicopter came in and I thought "I'm leaving!" But, I guess I knew something wasn't right and I stayed.

I was finally brought back into the ER at 7:30pm, the nurse had me undress and the Dr introduced himself (though for the life of me I cannot remember his name) and gave me a plan of action, starting with the physical exam. He had barely started when he stopped, which scared me, but then he said my cervix was closed and there was no active bleeding. He was hesitant to order an u/s because of his findings and the fact that I was in little pain, but I think he saw the look on my face and decided to go ahead with it. I had to wait over an hour for the u/s since they don't keep techs in-house due to expense. So, the on-call tech came in and took me to radiology. She was very nice, but didn't give me much indication about what she was seeing (obviously). As soon as she brought me back to the ER the Dr told me they had to wait on the official report but that the tech informed him that the pregnancy was tubal. He was very sympathetic, and I think he was waiting for me to breakdown, which didn't really happen. He told me some possible treatment options, but they had to wait for the official report, then the on-call OB who would then come in and talk to me. For some reason in took over an hour for the report and a bit longer for the OB. During that time I was pretty much left alone, which was fine with me, and I went from scared of having surgery, to sad for the loss, to concern about TTC in the future.

The on-call OB, Dr. E, was great and I felt comfortable with her right away. She basically told me I was very lucky to come in when I did (and patiently wait to be seen!) since I was only 6w along and could be given Methotrexate to end the pregnancy. She went over the risks, etc, but I felt comfortable with the decision to go ahead. I guess the meds are called for when the pregnancy is under 4cm and mine was measuring an 1cm, so I am keeping my fingers crossed that I will not need a repeat dose. I was finally discharged at 12:30am Sunday with jokes from the RN about my 9 hour visit to a bumpkin ER, and was sooooo glad to get home. All I wanted to do was shower and get into bed.

I have purposely stayed away from googling Methotrexate because I got the impression it is very powerful stuff, since Dr. E wore a gown and gloves to administer the injection and no one else was in the room, and the info I was given at the ER. The little bit I have read is enough to keep me away. I am very susceptible to psychosomatic illness, etc and I'm trying to keep myself calm about this stuff.

I was feeling okay on Sunday, but woke up Monday with pelvic pain, nausea and feeling faint. I spent a little time lying on the bathroom floor since I didn't want to pass out. I am so lucky Ally is an easy going girl because it took me a long time to get her from her crib. I felt better as the day went on, but not great. Tuesday started okay, but I barely made it home after my hCG draw and a quick trip to the grocery store. I was in pain and feeling nauseous again. Our lovely sitter stayed for a few more hours while I lied in bed breathing through the pain. She gave Ally lunch and put her down for her nap, then locked the door behind her. I felt so lucky she was here since I would have been useless to Ally. J was also able to get home a little earlier, thankfully. TMI alert- I'm going to share this bit in case someone else is going through the same thing: One of the other side effects I've had is bathroom issues; it hurt to use the bathroom. Either the meds stopped me up or the pain led to me holding it too long, but I've had to take Colace to help things along. Needless to say, Tuesday was a long day.

Today has been okay, though I've had the mild abdominal cramping I was warned about on the ER info sheet. I'll take it over the pelvic pain, nausea though. I'm really looking forward to feeling better soon. I have another hCG draw Friday, with an OB appt that day to get the results. Fingers crossed for the proper decrease in hCG because I really don't want another week of poison coursing through my veins. I'd really appreciate this all working out in the best case scenario. No second dose, no more ER visits, no surgery, etc. I'd be so thankful for that... Fingers crossed.

Not a Total Nutcase Afterall...

Ectopic.

Nervous Once More...

So, I'm not really sure why I've been hesitant to post since sharing the news that I'm PG, other than I am so scared that it won't last... To prove that I am not a total nutcase here is why I am nervous:

1) I ovulated CD19, and an oldish egg doesn't bode well (the twins' egg was a CD21 release).

2) I POAS at 12dpo and thought just maaaaybeeee there was a positive line, though it was so nearly invisible it kind of came and went depending on how I tilted the stick. I POAS the next day, and basically saw the same thing- a nearly invisible, almost-line that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me, so I dismissed the idea that these tests were positive. Even though Ally's 13dpo positive was light, it was there.

3) When I tested the next day, Sunday, at 14dpo I finally saw an actual positive, but it was still so much lighter than Ally's. Can you even see it in the pic?

I proceeded to test every morning and night for the next week. Yes, you read that correctly- not helping my total nutcase defense, I know :) The good news was that the tests seem to be darker at night, however they weren't getting any darker compared to each other. Not.at.all. I thought for sure my period would show up any day- or worse, it's ectopic. (The positive line did eventually darken by the next Sunday, but it just feels like it took too long to show anything remarkable.)

4) That first true BFP was Sunday, on Wednesday I received a few of these bad boys, and tested that night. The 25miu/ml and the 100miu/ml strips were visible, but the 500miu/ml was barely a shadow. I literally had to use a magnifying class to see it. This was not encouraging news at 16dpo. When I took another Detect5 test a week later, this past Wednesday, 25-500miu/ml showed up well, but nothing discernible at 2000miu/ml. Maybe an incredibly faint line, but even the magnifying glass didn't help much. There was a shadow of a line at 10000miu/ml though, which is confusing; This test does seem to give many testers extremely light results so I'll be testing with my last one this weekend, and will hopefully see more definitive results.

6) I felt strong Corpus Luteum cyst pain on Tuesday, which I've never experienced before. And while I know it's common, reading online that if it bursts and you don't supplement with progesterone the pregnancy may not survive. Awesome.

7) Lastly is that I have basically zero symptoms. Like the twins' pregnancy where you'd think I'd have had something with my hCG levels being pretty high, I don't really have any PG symptoms. With Ally it wasn't much but they were there. All I have had is a cramp/heavy feeling a few times, and a heightened sense of smell. I'm tired, but I'm always tired. I had a moody moment, but it was durning a spat with J and justified. My bo.obs tingle here and there, but I've have that since Ally was born. I know that there usually isn't much in the way of symptoms early on, but I'm entering 6weeks and there is nothing remarkable to hang my hopes on. I should be grateful for lack of uncomfortable symptoms, but I'd be okay with a little indication from my body that things are on track. And most worrisome, I spotted the other day, pink/red spotting.

So, now I'm waiting once more... for the other shoe to drop.

Catching Up :)

Well, it has been awhile- like a year and a half! First I suppose a little catch up is in order :)
Ally will be two-years-old in just 62 days and that seems impossible. Though I look at her baby pictures and I can hardly remember her being so small, and with dark hair!

Here are a few Ally pics from the last 1 1/2 years:

                               6 months ~ Nov 2010

                                  1 year ~ May 2011

18 months ~ Nov 2011

                                        Jan and Feb 2012

Wow, she really has changed! Ally has such a little personality. She has this cute giggle, silly laugh, gets into everything, and loves dancing, climbing, being chased and dragging mommy everywhere! We still feel extremely lucky with this little lady!

Adjusting to life as a SAHM has taken a lot more time than I anticipated though. I was feeling great about it during those early months, for the first year really- there was no way I could imagine teaching full-time with a baby. But as Ally grows older, more independent and has settled into a routine, the monotony can became overbearing! I know there are many moms who wish they could stay home with their child/ren, and I totally get it, but man did I go through some dark days. I started seeing a counselor and that has helped a lot. I've also started taking a sign language class, since teaching Ally baby signs really piqued my interest. I guess I just needed a bit of my own life back :)

Another big change was our move from GA to KS this past July- and we will be moving again this August... good times! KS has been good so far, though it was so hot this summer and the winter has been sooo mild I feel like we never left GA. I am also dreading tornado season- I am so scared! And while J is busy with work and classes, he is home so I can't complain!

In short we are all well, happy and healthy- definitely can't complain about that, and we are very thankful for how life has treated us!!

Though the biggest event of 2012 so far:

EDD Nov 1, 2012

Radio Silent

So, since I am not able to find the time to keep this blog up-to-date, I've decided it's time to shut her down. For now. I'm sure the time will come again when I need to vent/chronicle my life- much to the boredom of anyone who may stumble across my ramblings ;o) Thanks to those of you who have sweetly checked in from time to time- I look forward to when I'm able to keep up with all the blogs again sometime soon! ~ Take care, A

Ummm, Yea...

Time is seriously going lightening fast. I barely even have time to read blogs, let alone write one! How do other people do it??? I want to know their secret! I seem to have very little "baby-free" time to do anything for myself, which is not a complaint, but when I do get a little time I usually spend it sitting mindlessly watching TV or showering :o) I'd love to say that I squeeze every second out of every moment by actually getting anything done, but in truth my time is spent with Ally and it flies by! Maybe you'll forgive me if I post a video of our little cutie :o)

3 Months!

Our little lady is already 3 months old! How did that happen?!? Ally is getting so big- trying to sit up on her own (she does pretty well with our help) and starting to giggle! Ally had professional pictures taken yesterday and we got some adorable pics until little Miss started to meltdown (she was soooo tired since she'd skipped her morning nap, again!). Oh well, such is life with a baby!

How cute is she!!!


12 Weeks


10 Weeks

Still Reading!

Even though I'm not able to write lately, I do stop by and see how others are doing- thank you iPhone! I'll probably continue my hiatus, but I've found a minute while Ally naps to update :o) Ally is 13 weeks old tonight, which seems impossible! I also fully admit to not putting Ally down long enough to type something up! She's just so darn cute I can't help but snuggle her all day long! Laundry? Dishes? They'll still be there tomorrow, but our little girl is growing right before our eyes and we're busy watching it happen! I am extremely thankful that I am able to be with her all day. Ally is making all kinds of fun sounds, getting louder and generally finding her voice. She's grabbing at things and likes holding onto the burp cloth or her bib or your shirt- whatever she happens to come across and then putting it into her mouth ;o) There has even been a little hair pulling! She is very observant- looking around soaking it all in, and she loves looking at your face, "talking" and smiling at you. She's all smiles when I peek into her co-sleeper and she's also starting some big-girl-baby things like holding her ear or twirling her hair when she's feeding. Melts my heart! Ally's alter ego is affectionately known as "The Milk-Monster." When she gets hungry, watch out! When she is stopped to be burped, you better cover your ears! Other than that, she is such a good girl and we count ourselves very lucky! Even though it has only been three short months since her birth, J & I look back at Ally's first pictures with awe- was she really ever that little?!?! Time really is flying by...

Would you be able to put that sweet angel down? I don't think so!


Love the leggings and that cute face!

2 Months!!

Umm, how the h-e-l-l is it July already??!! I wish I had more time to write, but pics will have to do :o)

1 Month Old!

Holy crap time is flying by...