Turner's Syndrome

Officially: Turner's Syndrome with mosaicism.  Baby was a she.

Adding to the fun was the chemical pregnancy I had in April. Yes, you read that right. I was waiting on my period after the D&C, so I tested on a hunch. Sure enough, it was a BFP. The betas caught that is was a chemical pregnancy really early, but for a few days there, I thought "please let this be it, please let this be our healthy baby, please."

Turns out Ally truly is our real-life miracle. I'm thinking after two blighted ovum pregnancies, another with Turner's and then the chemical pregnancy, we are dealing with (major?) genetic issues, possibly a translocation issue. Which leads us to either keep trying and keep losing, or possibly have a child with an unbalanced translocation and the resulting effects, or... IVF with PGD. None of these secenarios are appealing.

And while I might be putting the cart before the horse, I am now mourning the thought that we really might only have one child. There really might not be anymore children. No sibling(s) for Ally. It will be just the three of us. No need for all the baby stuff we've been holding onto. No bringing home a teeny tiny bundle of new life. No nighttime feedings, first smiles, rolling over or crawls. No "mama" and "dada."

And I feel badly for Ally. It seems like a lot of (unintentional) pressure to be an only. It all rides on her. She's our only shot at this parenting thing. No sibling to help her bear her crazy parents :) To share secrets and holiday goodness with. She can't even "adopt" a sibling in the form of a friend because we move so much. It's a lonely life.

While I am eternally grateful for what we do have, I'm just so overwhelemed...

Still Processing

I guess I'm still processing it all... I am also to the point where I think I can write about it without crying.

We went in for our second u/s on February 20th. Baby should have measured 8w3d. Baby measured 8w1d (though I was actually kind of shocked that baby measured so far along because of my lack of symptoms), but the strong heartbeat from 2 weeks previous was gone. And I knew it. I just knew. And I cried. Bawled really, while my husband hugged me and Dr. S held my hand.

*okay, I am apparently not to the point where I can "talk" about it and not bawl...  Two weeks later...

Dr. S talked to us about our options and then left us alone for a little bit. I already knew I could not mentally or physically go through another natural m/c so I opted, for the first time, to schedule a D&C. Then I went home, made up some sub plans, got into bed and cried for a few days. Dragged myself to work for a few days, made up more sub plans, had the D&C done on Feb 27th, and again went home, got into bed and cried for a few days.

Since then it has gotten easier day by day (though the day before the D&C life throw a cruel irony at me that I still can't believe and can't write about yet), though it will randomly hit me that I am no longer pregnant and that seems impossible. Then other times it feels like the whole thing was a dream and I was never pregnant. I'd say generally I'm just sad, but getting better.

This m/c seems different then the others too. I guess I am surprised by that. Though this is the first loss we have experienced that involved seeing a live baby, and it's different (just as I suppose my loss is different than a later term loss where you'd already have felt the baby move, know its gender, etc. I assume that would be much worse). I think one of the worst parts is just how bad our odds seem to be- 3%? We had a  3% chance of miscarrying, and sure enough we did. We are waiting on the genetic testing to come back from the D&C, though I actually don't think that is going to tell us anything. I can't explain why I think that, I just do.

J and I aren't sure what our next steps will be. Part of me wants to try right away and another part of me thinks my body is trying to tell me something and I need to figure out what that is before I get pregnant again. I don't know. I'm still processing it all.


PS: Summer baby's EDD was today.

No Heartbeat.

Hesitant...

I've been hesitant to post how the u/s went on Feb 5th @ 6w2d, not because things went badly but because things looked pretty good. And it scares me. Baby made it to the uterus, and we saw a strong heartbeat of 124bpm. The yolk sac measured a bit small, but it wasn't the fanciest of u/s machines. Dr. S was really encouraging, telling me some stat that if there is a yolk sac, fetal pole and heartbeat then there is only 3% chance of m/c. I have never heard this stat before- anyone else? Though he has me labeled as "high risk" and I'm going in this Thursday for a follow up u/s.

I've tried not to be discouraged by the fact that the yolk sac measured about a week behind where I should have been. I've tried to be positive. I've tried to not even think about being pregnant- distancing myself maybe? The only symptom I have had with any regularity is sore breasts, and even that is not nearly as bad as with Ally. I had a sour stomach two or three times weeks ago, but expected the nausea to kick in around 7w like it did with Ally, but nothing. The heartburn/gas that tipped me off to POAS comes and goes. I've felt a cramp or two, but zero RLP. Not very encouraging. I sometimes wonder if I'm even making symptoms up here and there. I don't "feel" pregnant and that scares me. I am terrified for Thursday's u/s. Terrified.

I Made it Until Tuesday

I was able to hold out until yesterday to get my blood draw. I was hoping for a beta around 1400- that would have been doubling every 48 hours, with a few extra hours wiggle :) Well, Dr. S called today and told me it was at 2600 (22dpo)- wow! He is going to let me go in next Wednesday even though I'll only be a bit over 6 weeks at that point- there is no way I can wait until I'm 8+ weeks like a "normal" person. I need assurance that it is not ectopic, and would love to see at least a flicker of a heart by then... fingers still crossed.
I would love to be excited and optimistic about this one, but I'm just not there yet. Hopefully after next week's appointment I can let some of those positive feelings into my consciousness. Until then, I'm happy but super reserved. In some ways it just doesn't feel real yet.

48 Hours Later

It doubled, but I don't know the exact number because Dr. S didn't leave it on the voicemail :(  He just said "it went up a little more than double."  My little more than double guess would be around 360, so that's what I have in my mind (though I really hope it is closer to 400, just to be reassuringly doubled). Dr. S wants me to repeat "in about a week," but there is no way I will make it to next Wed/Thur, so I'm going to have a draw on Monday. I think I've earned the right to be a bit neurotic! I'd love to see a number around 1400 by then... Fingers still crossed!

Here We Go Again!

1st beta hCG today @ 15dpo = 176 

Fingers crossed to see at least 400 on Thursday...