Finally Over

After another u/s on Aug 9 confirmed that the sac was empty and that the EDD was off by 12 days, Dr. S gave me the option to schedule a d&c or wait two weeks to see if I m/c naturally. Since I had already m/c the twin pregnancy naturally I figured I would do the same this time. Of course this m/c seemed so different than the first. I had already started spotting in early Aug, then on Aug 11 I started having more of "period," so I figured the end must be near- unfortunately, no. I didn't actually m/c until the following Tuesday, and even then Wed & Thur were no picnic. It seemed with the twin pregnancy, I started bleeding, m/c, then went back to a normal period for a few days. Not this time! I didn't actually get back to "normal" until today. That is over a month of spotting/period. The weekend before I actually m/c I was soooo ready to go with a d&c- I just wanted it done with. Which is such a different mindset then the first time. Though I think I have figured out why: 1) the first time was more sad and the reality hadn't really hit me yet, 2) the irony that this was all happening five years nearly to the day of the twin pregnancy was getting to me, 3) this time I was more pissed than sad. Just straight up angry that I am going through this again, physically and emotionally. That we have been pregnant 4 times and only have 1 child. That I was naive enough to get my hopes up. I truly *felt* that this pregnancy was going to be okay. While I was nervous about another ectopic, I was pretty certain that the embryo made it to the right spot, and when I found out that it was in the ute I figured "okay, we're good!" We wouldn't possibly have another blighted ovum pregnancy, right?! Pffffff, silly me. I am so angry that we are once again robbed of the bliss that comes with seeing that BFP. I am not an optimistic person by nature, so this beating is just making things harder and harder. I am to a point that I really don't know when I 'll be ready to try again... I just can't take another m/c- physically and emotionally.

A New Saga

Where to start...? So, my last post was in November, and since then Ally & I survived our months without J while he was deployed. It was nice being near family (and not having to travel for the holidays!), but life is not complete without Daddy around so we were all happily reunited in mid-May. This of course meant another cross-country move. While moving is always stressful, it thankfully went well overall. We are still trying to get settled, but we like the house and where we are living.

Also, a series of events led to my decision to go back to teaching, and I'm excited to be going back to my old school! I am thankful to have been home with Ally her first 3 years, but it feels like time for a change. It's sure to be a major transition, and I'm trying to prep myself, but I know it will be more difficult than I can imagine at the moment.

The other big news is that I got a BFP on 7/13. At 11dpo, it was a faint but clear positive- which J saw too :) I was pretty sure I ovulated in my R side (which has been confirmed), so I was immediately concerned about another ectopic. Since we'd just moved to the area I didn't have a doctor yet, but was lucky to find someone who saw me pretty much right away. A few other practices wanted to wait until I was 8weeks- to which I said "you're crazy- with my history I am NOT waiting that long." Anyways, I saw my new OBGyn, Dr. S, on Jul 24 where I fell in love with him because he immediately did an u/s and put a standing order for my beta hCG into the lab :) The u/s showed a  small sac in the uterus. Which at just over 5 weeks, was all I was expecting- heck I just wanted to make sure it made it to the right spot! My beta that day was 1322- a respectable quant at just over 5weeks. However, my beta 48hrs later was only 1895. Whomp, whomp. So, Dr. S had me get another draw this past Tuesday- at apx 102hrs later my beta was 4000. A quant I described to J as enough to be encouraging, but not nearly enough to be reassuring.

Thankfully Dr. S had me go to the hospital for a thorough u/s, which I had today. Things did not appear to go well. The tech, K, was very nice, but of course didn't share much- other than I had very cooperative ovaries that she kept calling "show offs," which I guess is a good thing! K also didn't show me any images, and I've had enough of these done to know that is never a good sign. At 6.5 weeks along there should have been at least a flicker of a heartbeat, which I'm pretty sure K would have shared if she'd seen it. I did get K to tell me how far along the sac measured and she said just over 4weeks. Um, yeah that doesn't add up. And given my betas, it's looking like another blighted ovum pregnancy. Though to make things even more confusing, Dr. S called while I was writing this post and told me the report said I was measuring at 5weeks and the pregnancy looked viable- but it doesn't say WHY it looks viable. He asked if the tech showed me a heartbeat (I said "no"), because none is mentioned in the report- so he's as confused as I am! I remember getting a glimpse at the sac measuring 5w1d during the trans-abdominal portion of the u/s, but it was during the trans-vaginal portion that K said it was measuring at just over 4weeks. I also glimpsed quite a few "data out of range" messages on the screen while she was measuring- which makes sense if K inputed my info and I was suppose to be measuring at 6w6d (per my LMP). Another strange bit is that the report mentions I was bleeding a little, but I haven't detected that at all- and I've been checking! :) So where does this leave me? Dr. S said to take it easy and he'll do another u/s next Friday. Though I wouldn't be surprised if I start to m/c before then...

I am so sick of getting my hopes up, just to have them dashed down again.