Monday, September 2, 2013

Finally Over

After another u/s on Aug 9 confirmed that the sac was empty and that the EDD was off by 12 days, Dr. S gave me the option to schedule a d&c or wait two weeks to see if I m/c naturally. Since I had already m/c the twin pregnancy naturally I figured I would do the same this time. Of course this m/c seemed so different than the first. I had already started spotting in early Aug, then on Aug 11 I started having more of "period," so I figured the end must be near- unfortunately, no. I didn't actually m/c until the following Tuesday, and even then Wed & Thur were no picnic. It seemed with the twin pregnancy, I started bleeding, m/c, then went back to a normal period for a few days. Not this time! I didn't actually get back to "normal" until today. That is over a month of spotting/period. The weekend before I actually m/c I was soooo ready to go with a d&c- I just wanted it done with. Which is such a different mindset then the first time. Though I think I have figured out why: 1) the first time was more sad and the reality hadn't really hit me yet, 2) the irony that this was all happening five years nearly to the day of the twin pregnancy was getting to me, 3) this time I was more pissed than sad. Just straight up angry that I am going through this again, physically and emotionally. That we have been pregnant 4 times and only have 1 child. That I was naive enough to get my hopes up. I truly *felt* that this pregnancy was going to be okay. While I was nervous about another ectopic, I was pretty certain that the embryo made it to the right spot, and when I found out that it was in the ute I figured "okay, we're good!" We wouldn't possibly have another blighted ovum pregnancy, right?! Pffffff, silly me. I am so angry that we are once again robbed of the bliss that comes with seeing that BFP. I am not an optimistic person by nature, so this beating is just making things harder and harder. I am to a point that I really don't know when I 'll be ready to try again... I just can't take another m/c- physically and emotionally.

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