Still Processing

I guess I'm still processing it all... I am also to the point where I think I can write about it without crying.

We went in for our second u/s on February 20th. Baby should have measured 8w3d. Baby measured 8w1d (though I was actually kind of shocked that baby measured so far along because of my lack of symptoms), but the strong heartbeat from 2 weeks previous was gone. And I knew it. I just knew. And I cried. Bawled really, while my husband hugged me and Dr. S held my hand.

*okay, I am apparently not to the point where I can "talk" about it and not bawl...  Two weeks later...

Dr. S talked to us about our options and then left us alone for a little bit. I already knew I could not mentally or physically go through another natural m/c so I opted, for the first time, to schedule a D&C. Then I went home, made up some sub plans, got into bed and cried for a few days. Dragged myself to work for a few days, made up more sub plans, had the D&C done on Feb 27th, and again went home, got into bed and cried for a few days.

Since then it has gotten easier day by day (though the day before the D&C life throw a cruel irony at me that I still can't believe and can't write about yet), though it will randomly hit me that I am no longer pregnant and that seems impossible. Then other times it feels like the whole thing was a dream and I was never pregnant. I'd say generally I'm just sad, but getting better.

This m/c seems different then the others too. I guess I am surprised by that. Though this is the first loss we have experienced that involved seeing a live baby, and it's different (just as I suppose my loss is different than a later term loss where you'd already have felt the baby move, know its gender, etc. I assume that would be much worse). I think one of the worst parts is just how bad our odds seem to be- 3%? We had a  3% chance of miscarrying, and sure enough we did. We are waiting on the genetic testing to come back from the D&C, though I actually don't think that is going to tell us anything. I can't explain why I think that, I just do.

J and I aren't sure what our next steps will be. Part of me wants to try right away and another part of me thinks my body is trying to tell me something and I need to figure out what that is before I get pregnant again. I don't know. I'm still processing it all.


PS: Summer baby's EDD was today.