One Year Later!

Hi there! Funny how I finally got around to updating this blog almost exactly one year after my last post. I guess my procrastination worked out ironically this time :)

First and foremost, our beautiful baby girl arrived on October 5th! Exactly the day I was hoping for because this makes the girls precisely 5 years and 5 months apart- so fun. Labor (15 hours!) and delivery (natural!) went well, and Everly Jane arrived weighing 8lbs 5oz, and just shy of 20in long. She had lots of dark hair like Ally, and in fact she looked nearly identical to her sister at birth :) We all fell in love with her immediately. Overall Ally has just been the best big sister, and they each think the other is the best thing since sliced bread! 

E has been a fantastic baby, I honestly can't believe she will be 11 months next week. I thought time sped up when Ally was born, but wow, it now goes by at lightening speed! It's mind boggling that E's first birthday is fast approaching. It is so bittersweet watching her change & grow, I'm trying to soak up all of her babyhood. We've settled into being a family of four, and feel that after all we have been through that our journey is complete- J got the big snip-snip in June. So odd after all those years of trying, to finally lay all of it aside. We are so, so thankful for our girls... there aren't even words to describe it...

I know no one really reads this blog, but for those few who stopped by and supported me through the craziness- thank you so much!! Infertility is definitely not a club people willingly join, but is made ever so slightly easier in knowing that you're not completely alone. I will keep the blog up in case someone stumbles upon it and can glean something from our story. 

Our path to parenthood was certainly not what we expected it would be- but we got here, finally, after all of the hoping and wishing and waiting... xo, A

1 week old

46 weeks old ;-P

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34 Weeks!

So I've been meaning to stop by this space and just say everything is looking good, but time has seriously flown by these last 2 months! I can hardly believe we are 34 weeks along today. It still seems surreal, oddly. Baby is still moving like crazy, and it took me forever to realize why I feel so much more with her than I did with Ally. Duh, Ally's placenta was anterior and it really did buffer way more than I realized. Now that I have someone to compare her to, I feel and see so much more movement from this babe. It's awesome! Part of the reason I have "just kept swimming" throughout this pregnancy is because J had been away since April 1st, and I've been solo parenting and having to deal with my crazy all by myself. Thankfully he is home safe now! Ally is very happy her playmate is home too :)
The crib and dresser have been delivered and set up, but there is still a TON to do before she arrives! Just about 6-7 weeks to go, eeek! Here's the latest belly pics, already two weeks ago, wow!

3D Baby!

We had the follow up u/s last week and we got to see Baby in 4D, and left with some neat 3D pictures. Baby is still a girl and she looked great :) All but one small cysts remains, phew. My next appt is in July, and it will already be time for the diabetes test- wow! Not looking forward to the sickly orange drink, but at the same time it's another milestone for me and Baby! (*Update: we passed!)

Baby at 22w4d

"Just Keep Swimming"

I think I've become Dori, her mantra gets repeated in my brain pretty regularly :) I'm just trucking along, trying to stay positive and enjoy feeling Baby move and become stronger every day. It's still hard to believe there is an actual living baby in my belly. I really never thought we'd get to this point (and beyond) ever again, but here we are past the halfway mark- I'll be 22w on Friday! Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

20w1d on 5/23/15

Baby Looks "Great" :)

We had the big anatomy scan this week and according to the doctor "Baby looks great." Phew, so relieved!! Everything looking good on the u/s, plus our negative Serum Integrated 2 results has let me and J breathe a sigh of relief. I feel like we've overcome some big statistical odds and are now into the "normal" realm- where if anything goes wrong from this point on, it's not because of us. I'm still trying to stay positive and not think about all the tragic possibilities that could still occur. Most days I win, but I'd be lying if I didn't have moments where fear takes over. I finally felt comfortable enough after the anatomy scan to announce the pregnancy on Fbook. A day later I shared the gender results :) Any guesses? (pics below) The u/s did show that the cysts are still there and are about the same size as the last scan, so I get to have another u/s on Jun 8, yahoo! (I'm sorry I ever cursed you cysts!)

We also had another big event last week- Ally turned 5 years old! I can hardly believe it. We celebrated with a trip to a nearby Great Wolf Lodge. All of the grandparents met us there, much to Ally's surprise :) It was especially awesome to have everyone there because J is away for work, and as my dad said "it's a good thing she has three grandpas worth of energy!" LOL, yes she is that energetic! We defintely had a lot of fun, and Ally did not want to leave. Not surprisingly, J now wants us to go again when he gets back- I know he feels like he missed out and wants to do something special with her while she is still our only "baby."

Ally has seemed to have taken to the idea of the Baby, and tells people that she is going to be a big sister. She asks when the baby will be ready to come out :) Today she sang to my belly and it was the sweetest thing- melt my heart!

Telling the "world" at 18w5d

Gender reveal at 19w0d

Yesterday's Checkup

So yesterday I had my first "official" OB appt at my new office. It was not with Dr. S but with Dr. J who is new to the practice. Fine with me since if I stay with them (that's another post) then I'd like to see them all more than once before delivery. This appt was a general "congrats, you're preggers and here is everything we want you to know" plus a physical and pap. Oh! And I got to hear baby's heartbeat over the doppler! Dr. J said my first round of bloodwork came back fine, and I had draws done for part 2 of the serum integrated test and toxoplasmosis (which I've never had since other docs haven't seemed concerned). Fingers crossed the tests come back normal! Dr. J also confirmed that the cysts look much better. She is not too concerned about them, and thinks that they will probably continue to shrink, though the tech will get images again at the next u/s. Which is the anatomy scan. Which is now less than 3 weeks away- eeek! As for baby, Dr. J was kind of vague, saying that everything looked okay but that the anatomy scan is the big one, and we'll find out then if there are any concerns. She mostly just reiterated that last Friday's u/s was to look at the cysts... She did however say that there were no images of the hematoma so assumes it is no longer there. So why did the tech ask me if I've had bleeding?!?!?! Deeeeeeep breaths. I'll just have to keep my anxiety down until the big u/s May 11th. Wish me luck with that!

Couldn't Wait

After writing my last post I decided I couldn't wait until next Tuesday for my u/s. It was less than a week away, but it felt too long. I was having too many anxious moments and tears over the possibility of another miscarriage, so I called on Wednesday and changed it to yesterday (Friday). Luckily I got in, unluckily there was no doc to talk to me after the u/s (since it was 4pm on a Friday), so I won't know if there were any red flags noted. The tech did say that my R ovary looks MUCH better (which I could tell myself from the images), and confirmed that there is a posterior placenta. However, she did ask me "hmm, are you having any bleeding?" To which I said "No. I know there's a hematoma but it I haven't seen any evidence of it lately" since it has been weeks since any brown spotting. She said nothing after that, just silence. Ugh. Here is why I hate this question: she couldn't have told me if something was wrong anyhow!! I'm hoping it was just her wondering if the hematoma was acting up, but of course I'm left trying to figure out why she would ask me that question!! Is the hematoma bigger? Is the placenta low-lying? Some other terrible circumstance that I get to wait on pins and needles to hear about? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Anyhow, baby was curled up pretty cozy, but I saw the heart beating right away and he/she moved a little bit. At least I remember his/her arm waving around a bit. The tech took a couple of heart ratings, I don't know why she took so many. The first was 170bpm, another 161bpm and the one she printed for me says 153bpm... Good rates I think, I just don't like that she had to check it so much. There was also a large mass that she seemed to have to maneuver around. It wasn't black so I'm pretty sure it wasn't the hematoma, but I'm not positive it was the placenta since I'm not that u/s savvy. I'm just going to hope it was the placenta and all looked good, though I won't know for sure until my appt with the doc on Tuesday. Fingers crossed...

15w0d

Second Trimester!

Sorry for the lack of updates, I've just been holding my breath over here...

It turns out that the hematoma and cysts may be a blessing in disguise since it has meant more u/s over the last few weeks. I had another on Feb 26 (7w6d) where baby measured right on track and we found that the hematoma had shrunk. Unfortunately the cysts were the same or bigger, and the doc was really thinking I'd be having surgery soon. Though at my next u/s Mar 23 (11w3d) a few of the cysts had shrunk and the largest was about the same, so we are at a "wait and see" on that front, and thankfully baby looked great. He/she measured a little ahead and was moving around, phew! I have had some brown spotting here-there and nearly lost it the first time, but after talking to the nurse realized it was probably from the hematoma and not to worry. 

Now I'm just twiddling my thumbs until my u/s next week. Ugh, it feels so far away! I'm toying with the idea of getting a doppler, just to ease my nerves until I feel baby move with regularity. I'm currently 14w2d, which is so hard to believe! I've had very few pregnancy symptoms this time, which I'm thankful for in general, but at the same time reassurance would be nice. I've actually felt more sick/nauseous the last couple of weeks than I have the whole 1st tri. I also had a fair bit of RLP, so I'm thinking maybe there was a growth spurt? I *think* I've felt baby moving a few times, but it is so fleeting I don't have enough time to analyze it so I'm not 100% positive. I just keep hoping that everything is going to work out well this time and that we will have a healthy baby this Fall, but there is just so much that could still go wrong...

Because Nothing Can Be Simple...

So about two weeks after I wrote my last post I ovulated, and I pretty much knew I would get pregnant. Our "timing" had been right even though we weren't particularly trying since we had only just gotten J's genetic test results back (J's test said he was normal, but I have yet to call and see just how in-depth the test we took really were, so I was/am leery of conceiving without PGD). Getting knocked up is not our problem, so I just knew. Sometimes it seems like we can't not get pregnant.

Anyhoo, I made it to 11dpo and I took a digital hpt, and it read "pregnant." On 13dpo I took a baseline CB digital with weeks estimator and it read "1-2weeks." I was able to get a beta at 14dpo and it was 116, a pretty good number in my book. My repeat was 488 at 17dpo, and I was relieved since if the number had been ambiguous I might have pulled my hair out. I kept begging the universe "please nothing ambiguous, let it either more than double or be falling. I want a black and white number, no grey!" Then my 2nd CB digital with weeks estimator read "3+weeks" a week earlier than I expected it to so I was pretty satistifed!

I had my first u/s last Friday at 6w0d (adjusted for ovulation- another older egg on CD19). Luckily the embryo made it to the uterus (yahoo!) and I saw its flicker as soon as the sac was located on the screen :) Heart rate was 113, which the doc was happy with since it was still so early. The C-R measurements read 5w6d/6w0d/6w1d, which lined up exactly with dating. Another relief. However things took a turn when the tech went to my R ovary. This wasn't my first rodeo, so I knew immediately something did not look right. Huge black spaces that were measuring 7/8/9cms. I have never seen such huge cysts in my ovary before, and there were a few of them. I knew I was right to be concerned when she went to my L ovary and it looked normal, with nothing measuring over 2cms. I love getting that sinking feeling in my gut. I met with my doc, another Dr. S, and he felt great about everything baby-wise, except oh wait, there was a subchorionic hematoma. Fun! Oh and those large cysts, which could cause torsion with extreme pain and immediate surgery. Lovely! All kinds of awesome news! So no sex, exercise or strenuous activity until my u/s next week.

Can nothing be simple? Seriously? It feels like a joke. Baby looked great, it made it to the right spot and seemed to be thriving, but I don't get to enjoy that because I have two new big worries. I refuse to google the hematoma because I know enough to be worried and I don't need to read the horror stories. Same for the cysts. I'm keeping tabs on every twinge and ache on my R side. Urrrrrgggghhhh. I could scream!! I'm trying to be optimistic, I really am. I have few to no symptoms, but I'm still hopeful. Especially given that this all reminiscent of what happened a year nearly to the day with the Turner's baby last February. We had doubling betas and a good 6w u/s with her, but everything still fell apart. There are no guarantees for us, but I'm really hoping for a happy ending this time...

Happy New Year

It is hard to believe it is the new year already. Hopefully 2015 is easier than 2014. Though I really can't complain, I have more than most...

Since I last posted:

1) I wrapped up my last school year teaching for the foreseeable future. I am so glad I went back last year for many reasons- mostly for my sanity, but it was eye opening being a teacher now that I am a parent. I have a refreshed outlook on being a SAHM, and have decided to homeschool given my renewed perspective on the educational system. Also, teaching/working and trying to be mom/wife was much harder than I thought it would be, even under the best possible circumstances. I also know myself a bit better and what I need as a SAHM. All good things.

2) We've moved across the country again (got to love the military!), and while I wouldn't choose to live in this part of the country voluntarily, we are a bit closer to family, and in the same time zone :) I have made a few friends through a Bunco group and a book club, so I feel lucky for that. The house is still not settled, but we're getting there, and since we just found out we're probably not moving again this summer it feels like we can make ourselves at home a bit more. We also very much like the neighborhood and general area of where we live.

3) I met with a new OBGYN here and had my chromosomes tested- everything came back "normal" for me. Yet, we had another chemical pregnancy around Thanksgiving. J had his test done before Xmas so we're still waiting to hear back. We do have a referral to see an RE, but since our insurance doesn't cover much of anything I'm not sure what our next steps will be. If J's test comes back "normal" then maybe we'll go in for a consult to see if there is a more complete/advanced genetics test we should have done. If it comes back "abnormal" I guess we'll go in to see what everything would entail and cost... (Update: J's genetic tests did come back normal, and I had an appt with the RE set but cancelled it since everything looked OK at the 6w u/s a few days prior)

Overall, I feel like everyday I'm more resigned to the fact that Ally will be an only child. A lot of the time I'm okay with that because it's easier. Easier financially since there will be no ART, and since the military is downsizing J's job is less secure. I'm also thinking it's mentally and physically easier to only have one. There are MANY days I think "how do people do this with more than one kid?!?" I can't even imagine being more worn-down or pulled in more directions than I already am. I'd probably be even more crazed and out of my mind! Then I have moments where the grief of it all just washes over me... and to think that there will not be another baby, that Ally will not have a sibling is just heartbreaking. Then I think, "well even if there was a sibling it doesn't mean that they'd get along or even like each other." I love my biological brother and my stepbrothers, but we're not particularly close. We really only talk when we see each other at the holidays. Maybe if we lived closer to one another, but I don't know, we're so different. Plus the age difference is getting wider and wider between Ally and any potential sibling. Every other vision I've had in my head about being an adult, being married, being a mom has been blown to bits, so it would probably be the same with my visions of a wonderful sibling relationship. Emotionally it's easier because hopefully then I/we can move past the losses and be free of it all. No more tracking ovulation, looking for any little symptoms, no more POAS. No more getting our hopes up- or feeling guilty that when I see those faint BFPs I think "oh geez, what's gonna happen this time? PLEASE don't be ectopic, please just be chemical. I really can't deal with an ectopic right now." No more comparing HPTs to each other day after day trying to analyze if the line is darker or not (PS: I have decided I'm only using digitals no earlier than 14dpo from now on... we'll see how I do with that). I know J wants another, and I do too but not like this. Not by possibly going broke trying, not with the heartbreak of more failure. I'd want at least two more if it were "easy" but for some reason that's not our path so I'm kinda done. I wish I could just close my eyes and will into being a healthy baby but I can't...

Turner's Syndrome

Officially: Turner's Syndrome with mosaicism.  Baby was a she.

Adding to the fun was the chemical pregnancy I had in April. Yes, you read that right. I was waiting on my period after the D&C, so I tested on a hunch. Sure enough, it was a BFP. The betas caught that is was a chemical pregnancy really early, but for a few days there, I thought "please let this be it, please let this be our healthy baby, please."

Turns out Ally truly is our real-life miracle. I'm thinking after two blighted ovum pregnancies, another with Turner's and then the chemical pregnancy, we are dealing with (major?) genetic issues, possibly a translocation issue. Which leads us to either keep trying and keep losing, or possibly have a child with an unbalanced translocation and the resulting effects, or... IVF with PGD. None of these secenarios are appealing.

And while I might be putting the cart before the horse, I am now mourning the thought that we really might only have one child. There really might not be anymore children. No sibling(s) for Ally. It will be just the three of us. No need for all the baby stuff we've been holding onto. No bringing home a teeny tiny bundle of new life. No nighttime feedings, first smiles, rolling over or crawls. No "mama" and "dada."

And I feel badly for Ally. It seems like a lot of (unintentional) pressure to be an only. It all rides on her. She's our only shot at this parenting thing. No sibling to help her bear her crazy parents :) To share secrets and holiday goodness with. She can't even "adopt" a sibling in the form of a friend because we move so much. It's a lonely life.

While I am eternally grateful for what we do have, I'm just so overwhelemed...

Still Processing

I guess I'm still processing it all... I am also to the point where I think I can write about it without crying.

We went in for our second u/s on February 20th. Baby should have measured 8w3d. Baby measured 8w1d (though I was actually kind of shocked that baby measured so far along because of my lack of symptoms), but the strong heartbeat from 2 weeks previous was gone. And I knew it. I just knew. And I cried. Bawled really, while my husband hugged me and Dr. S held my hand.

*okay, I am apparently not to the point where I can "talk" about it and not bawl...  Two weeks later...

Dr. S talked to us about our options and then left us alone for a little bit. I already knew I could not mentally or physically go through another natural m/c so I opted, for the first time, to schedule a D&C. Then I went home, made up some sub plans, got into bed and cried for a few days. Dragged myself to work for a few days, made up more sub plans, had the D&C done on Feb 27th, and again went home, got into bed and cried for a few days.

Since then it has gotten easier day by day (though the day before the D&C life throw a cruel irony at me that I still can't believe and can't write about yet), though it will randomly hit me that I am no longer pregnant and that seems impossible. Then other times it feels like the whole thing was a dream and I was never pregnant. I'd say generally I'm just sad, but getting better.

This m/c seems different then the others too. I guess I am surprised by that. Though this is the first loss we have experienced that involved seeing a live baby, and it's different (just as I suppose my loss is different than a later term loss where you'd already have felt the baby move, know its gender, etc. I assume that would be much worse). I think one of the worst parts is just how bad our odds seem to be- 3%? We had a  3% chance of miscarrying, and sure enough we did. We are waiting on the genetic testing to come back from the D&C, though I actually don't think that is going to tell us anything. I can't explain why I think that, I just do.

J and I aren't sure what our next steps will be. Part of me wants to try right away and another part of me thinks my body is trying to tell me something and I need to figure out what that is before I get pregnant again. I don't know. I'm still processing it all.


PS: Summer baby's EDD was today.

No Heartbeat.

Hesitant...

I've been hesitant to post how the u/s went on Feb 5th @ 6w2d, not because things went badly but because things looked pretty good. And it scares me. Baby made it to the uterus, and we saw a strong heartbeat of 124bpm. The yolk sac measured a bit small, but it wasn't the fanciest of u/s machines. Dr. S was really encouraging, telling me some stat that if there is a yolk sac, fetal pole and heartbeat then there is only 3% chance of m/c. I have never heard this stat before- anyone else? Though he has me labeled as "high risk" and I'm going in this Thursday for a follow up u/s.

I've tried not to be discouraged by the fact that the yolk sac measured about a week behind where I should have been. I've tried to be positive. I've tried to not even think about being pregnant- distancing myself maybe? The only symptom I have had with any regularity is sore breasts, and even that is not nearly as bad as with Ally. I had a sour stomach two or three times weeks ago, but expected the nausea to kick in around 7w like it did with Ally, but nothing. The heartburn/gas that tipped me off to POAS comes and goes. I've felt a cramp or two, but zero RLP. Not very encouraging. I sometimes wonder if I'm even making symptoms up here and there. I don't "feel" pregnant and that scares me. I am terrified for Thursday's u/s. Terrified.

I Made it Until Tuesday

I was able to hold out until yesterday to get my blood draw. I was hoping for a beta around 1400- that would have been doubling every 48 hours, with a few extra hours wiggle :) Well, Dr. S called today and told me it was at 2600 (22dpo)- wow! He is going to let me go in next Wednesday even though I'll only be a bit over 6 weeks at that point- there is no way I can wait until I'm 8+ weeks like a "normal" person. I need assurance that it is not ectopic, and would love to see at least a flicker of a heart by then... fingers still crossed.
I would love to be excited and optimistic about this one, but I'm just not there yet. Hopefully after next week's appointment I can let some of those positive feelings into my consciousness. Until then, I'm happy but super reserved. In some ways it just doesn't feel real yet.

48 Hours Later

It doubled, but I don't know the exact number because Dr. S didn't leave it on the voicemail :(  He just said "it went up a little more than double."  My little more than double guess would be around 360, so that's what I have in my mind (though I really hope it is closer to 400, just to be reassuringly doubled). Dr. S wants me to repeat "in about a week," but there is no way I will make it to next Wed/Thur, so I'm going to have a draw on Monday. I think I've earned the right to be a bit neurotic! I'd love to see a number around 1400 by then... Fingers still crossed!

Here We Go Again!

1st beta hCG today @ 15dpo = 176 

Fingers crossed to see at least 400 on Thursday...

Finally Over

After another u/s on Aug 9 confirmed that the sac was empty and that the EDD was off by 12 days, Dr. S gave me the option to schedule a d&c or wait two weeks to see if I m/c naturally. Since I had already m/c the twin pregnancy naturally I figured I would do the same this time. Of course this m/c seemed so different than the first. I had already started spotting in early Aug, then on Aug 11 I started having more of "period," so I figured the end must be near- unfortunately, no. I didn't actually m/c until the following Tuesday, and even then Wed & Thur were no picnic. It seemed with the twin pregnancy, I started bleeding, m/c, then went back to a normal period for a few days. Not this time! I didn't actually get back to "normal" until today. That is over a month of spotting/period. The weekend before I actually m/c I was soooo ready to go with a d&c- I just wanted it done with. Which is such a different mindset then the first time. Though I think I have figured out why: 1) the first time was more sad and the reality hadn't really hit me yet, 2) the irony that this was all happening five years nearly to the day of the twin pregnancy was getting to me, 3) this time I was more pissed than sad. Just straight up angry that I am going through this again, physically and emotionally. That we have been pregnant 4 times and only have 1 child. That I was naive enough to get my hopes up. I truly *felt* that this pregnancy was going to be okay. While I was nervous about another ectopic, I was pretty certain that the embryo made it to the right spot, and when I found out that it was in the ute I figured "okay, we're good!" We wouldn't possibly have another blighted ovum pregnancy, right?! Pffffff, silly me. I am so angry that we are once again robbed of the bliss that comes with seeing that BFP. I am not an optimistic person by nature, so this beating is just making things harder and harder. I am to a point that I really don't know when I 'll be ready to try again... I just can't take another m/c- physically and emotionally.

A New Saga

Where to start...? So, my last post was in November, and since then Ally & I survived our months without J while he was deployed. It was nice being near family (and not having to travel for the holidays!), but life is not complete without Daddy around so we were all happily reunited in mid-May. This of course meant another cross-country move. While moving is always stressful, it thankfully went well overall. We are still trying to get settled, but we like the house and where we are living.

Also, a series of events led to my decision to go back to teaching, and I'm excited to be going back to my old school! I am thankful to have been home with Ally her first 3 years, but it feels like time for a change. It's sure to be a major transition, and I'm trying to prep myself, but I know it will be more difficult than I can imagine at the moment.

The other big news is that I got a BFP on 7/13. At 11dpo, it was a faint but clear positive- which J saw too :) I was pretty sure I ovulated in my R side (which has been confirmed), so I was immediately concerned about another ectopic. Since we'd just moved to the area I didn't have a doctor yet, but was lucky to find someone who saw me pretty much right away. A few other practices wanted to wait until I was 8weeks- to which I said "you're crazy- with my history I am NOT waiting that long." Anyways, I saw my new OBGyn, Dr. S, on Jul 24 where I fell in love with him because he immediately did an u/s and put a standing order for my beta hCG into the lab :) The u/s showed a  small sac in the uterus. Which at just over 5 weeks, was all I was expecting- heck I just wanted to make sure it made it to the right spot! My beta that day was 1322- a respectable quant at just over 5weeks. However, my beta 48hrs later was only 1895. Whomp, whomp. So, Dr. S had me get another draw this past Tuesday- at apx 102hrs later my beta was 4000. A quant I described to J as enough to be encouraging, but not nearly enough to be reassuring.

Thankfully Dr. S had me go to the hospital for a thorough u/s, which I had today. Things did not appear to go well. The tech, K, was very nice, but of course didn't share much- other than I had very cooperative ovaries that she kept calling "show offs," which I guess is a good thing! K also didn't show me any images, and I've had enough of these done to know that is never a good sign. At 6.5 weeks along there should have been at least a flicker of a heartbeat, which I'm pretty sure K would have shared if she'd seen it. I did get K to tell me how far along the sac measured and she said just over 4weeks. Um, yeah that doesn't add up. And given my betas, it's looking like another blighted ovum pregnancy. Though to make things even more confusing, Dr. S called while I was writing this post and told me the report said I was measuring at 5weeks and the pregnancy looked viable- but it doesn't say WHY it looks viable. He asked if the tech showed me a heartbeat (I said "no"), because none is mentioned in the report- so he's as confused as I am! I remember getting a glimpse at the sac measuring 5w1d during the trans-abdominal portion of the u/s, but it was during the trans-vaginal portion that K said it was measuring at just over 4weeks. I also glimpsed quite a few "data out of range" messages on the screen while she was measuring- which makes sense if K inputed my info and I was suppose to be measuring at 6w6d (per my LMP). Another strange bit is that the report mentions I was bleeding a little, but I haven't detected that at all- and I've been checking! :) So where does this leave me? Dr. S said to take it easy and he'll do another u/s next Friday. Though I wouldn't be surprised if I start to m/c before then...

I am so sick of getting my hopes up, just to have them dashed down again.

Stupid EDD

Today would have been my EDD. I haven't really thought about it much, but it popped into my head yesterday and was on my mind a bit today. How very different life would be. Not necessarily better of course because I have so much to be thankful for- just different, but in the best possible way.

An ectopic is such a strange (for lack of a better term) way to "lose" a pregnancy in that your own health takes precedence. While logically you know there is no way an ectopic is viable, it is still the loss of what could have been. In such a short amount of time dreams were made, names were discussed (girl's name picked even). It was just enough time to get excited, and since we already have Ally it was easier to be optimistic right from the start; I kept thinking and telling J "our odds are good, we're 1:1." It sucks to have that optimism ripped away again, and our odds are even worse but for multiple reasons now.

The simple truth is, I'm sad about this loss and everything it means.