On Hold

Life is on hold a bit these days. I've spent the last week waiting for word on when J is suppose to get back to the states, then was surprised to have him call me yesterday from TN! J should be home in a day or two...YAHOO!!! 

Once he does get home, our move is going to come on fast and furious, so I might be MIA for a bit. Plus J's been gone for 7 months, and I'm expecting we'll lock ourselves in the bedroom!

PS: A major heat wave has settled over the Pac NW and it is HOT: My car read 106º today, and a/c is not standard out here- I had to go to a movie last night just to cool down!

As predicted:

AF arrived today. Lovely cramps too. Wow, I am one lucky girl!

13dpIUI

Got a BFN this morning. Not surprised, but still disappointed. I expect AF today or tomorrow. 

One year ago today is also the day we found out there was no Baby P. Today was the day my heart broke, and it hasn't been whole since. 

I actually waited to test till today thinking maybe my luck would have changed and that I could have a happy memory on this day instead. I really wanted to see a BFP this morning. I stood there willing it to appear, but it didn't and today is still a sad day...

10dpIUI

Just sitting here, twiddling my thumbs...

Thankfully, my trip to CA did make the past week fly by, though now I am back to the waiting game. I don't have much faith that this IUI worked, but it is hard to not think about the slight possibility it did. I bought a box of 2 HPT tests, but I am waiting until the 22nd to POAS. I *think* I can wait till then because day after day of seeing a BFN is depressing. 

Other than the 2ww life is pretty boring. J should be getting home soon, so I have a lot of cleaning and organizing to do before he brings home his boxes and duffle bags full of dirty, dusty stuff for which we'll have to clean and find a place for (fun times!). I am so ready for him to be home!!!

4dpIUI

Trigger is out, which is good to know, and I shouldn't even go near another HPT until Jul 23rd. We'll see if I can make it, I probably won't! I'm in the lovely 2ww, and time is going by very slooooowly. 

Luckily, I'm visiting friends in CA starting tomorrow through Friday, which should make the time fly by. The friends I'm visiting are part of the "we all got PG the same week" group from last year, so their little guy is the same age Baby P would be, and I think I'm going to be okay with that. I spent last Friday at the zoo with my PG friend E, our former co-worker, T and T's 1 year-old twin boys. They are adorable! I got to sit in the backseat with them and they just melted my heart. I was also holding one of them the majority of the day, even baby L who is finicky with strangers took to me quickly. I was called "The Baby Whisperer" more than once, which was kind of bittersweet. Both of my friends know about the m/c and E knows what we've been dealing with since. I think she took pity on me and let me hog the boys. I couldn't help myself, they're just so darn cute!!!

As for the lump on my back, I've decided to wait until after the 2ww incase the IUI's 5% chance of working actually, well worked. I'm not going to worry until I get it looked at and a doc tells me it's something to worry about. Plus, I'd rather wait till J gets home Aug 1 incase it is serious. I don't want to go through any testing, etc alone- I've done enough alone this year.

Something Else to Worry About

The IUI itself went really well. I was actually feeling much more optomitstic on my way to the clinic. I'd been feeling O pangs earlier in the morning, so it seemed like the timing would work out. I reminded myself that when I did get PG last year I O'd on my right (I can get really strong mittelschmerz, in fact I was awoken out of a deep sleep that morning last year). Also, this is the first cycle after the HSG, maybe that helped clear the way a little, who knows! Unfortunately, out of the 85 million sperm that survived the thaw, only 3 million made it through inspection and wash. Could have been worse, could have had nothing after the thaw. How's that for positive? 

Afterwards, I came home, laid down for good measure then headed to my massage appointment. I scheduled this massage because the other day my back started bothering me when I raised my arm. I got to my appointment, started the massage, found out a rib might be popped out of place, and a few minutes later I get asked:

"What's this lump by your spine?" 

My heart stopped. "It's not a knot?"

"Uhhhh, no. Did you know it was here?

"Umm, no."

"Well... it's probably nothing, a fatty tumor maybe. Though, I'd have your doctor check it."

"Umm, okay."

In an instant my sunny outlook has been replaced by spinal cancer and chemo. I am a hypochondriac- you say lump, I think cancer. So, now I get to wait for my docs office to call back to have this lovely lump looked at. Like I needed something else to worry about...

Not Surprised

Only one dominate follicle... and it is in my right ovary... the blocked side. 

I am so frustrated, but not surprised because this is just the sort of thing my body would do: Oh, feeling optimistic are we? Well, I can fix that *Zap* 

The follicle is a great size @ 22.5mm and my lining looks really good with a triple stripe. None of this makes me feel better. Dr. C said to go ahead with the IUI since it is not impossible that I get pregnant (though not probable), and since we're moving in Sept we might as well use the frozen sperm- why the hell not. I got a shot of Ovidrel today and the IUI will be Thursday. On the very off chance I do get pregnant, knowing my luck it would be ectopic and not only would I lose another baby, but probably a tube as well. I am so pissed at my body right now. I realize other people have had/are dealing with much bigger roadblocks, but I can't help feeling so mad I could scream about this. 

On a different, brighter note, we found out today that close family friends, D & M,  are expecting their first baby around Christmas. I am very happy for them, but I'm also... you know. 

So, it's time for an updated "Pregnant Friend Count"

1. Work friend A due with baby #2: Jul 3rd ... any day now!
2. Cousin J due with baby #2: Aug 5th
3. Cousin K due with baby #1: Aug 21st
4. Close work friend E due with baby #1: Sep 15th
5. Sister-in-law L due with baby #2: Sep 21st
6. Family friend D due with baby #1: Dec 25th
7. Sister-in-law S due with baby #1: Jan 17th

1st Follie Scan - CD12

I had my u/s yesterday to check-out follicle number & size. Nothing too exciting. There are only 2 follicles both measuring 10mm. One on the left and one on the right. I didn't catch what my lining was- I heard a "7" mumbled, but I can't be sure. So, I'm going back Tuesday for another check. Hopefully another one will pop up on the left so that there might actually be chance with this IUI. Hmmph, more waiting.

Anyhoo, Happy 4th of July!